Been watching the news? Reading Facebook? The newspaper?
What on earth is going on with this planet?! Besides all the battles and wars raging on at the moment (God be with our military men and women!), I am infuriated about these illegal "kids" flooding our nation. This is not an innocent migration of children. Some of these persons are 22 years old. Maybe I've lost my mind altogether but I thought childhood ended somewhere around 18. Doesn't mean you're all grown up at that age of majority, but it certainly means American society is ready to dump you to the wolves. Our citizens are going without, while illegals flood our states making demands and getting handouts. Where is the sense in this situation?
And they're packing our foster homes with these kids. What happened to having homes available to the kids who really need a safe place to go? Apparently our leadership is no longer concerned with the safe placement of the child being abused and neglected just right down the street.
And why are we bringing these illegal children here to foster them and then reunite them with their families? We aren't planning to reunite them in their home countries but RIGHT HERE IN AMERICA!!!
I can't see a good end to this at all. I'm speaking from experience here. As a foster parent for 12 years, I've had the opportunity to parent illegal immigrant children. Most of them were born here or came here as small children but a handful have simply strolled across the border, after being told everything in America is free. Where are they now? Running wild and free and costing taxpayers their hard-earned money. From birthing a premature baby here for the sake of birthing in America, to wrecking into a parked car (not once, but twice!), these illegal "kids" are costing our country far more than they're worth.
No, I'm not saying a human life is not worth fighting for, caring for, showing them the right direction and teaching them how to find work and become a citizen. All of those things are valuable. But show me one of them from Central or South America actually interested in citizenship and working hard just like the rest of us. Being jaded as I am now, I haven't seen one yet bent on doing the right thing.
We struggled with our foster daughter from South America, constantly bending over backward to make sure she had the tools necessary to graduate high school, the ability to get a job and look for an apartment, and the path to being a contributing citizen. As a person she was a wonderful family member, funny and sweet, often helpful and gentle with my children. As an illegal 18 year old she took off as soon as she could, knowing we couldn't stop her. Within two weeks she had been in a nasty car accident (driving without a license), prostituting and doing drugs as well. When I reported my newfound knowledge I was told this was a common occurrence with the kids coming here from Central and South America. And yet we're still letting them flood our borders. We're still welcoming them to our foster homes, reaching out, making them comfortable and going above and beyond.
They come here with lies and stories they know will break hearts and open doors. We feel empathy as we bring them home, only learning when it's too late that all those stories were simply falsehoods passed down from one child to the next to make the process more believable and easier to get in to America. Rarely do we encounter a girl who's been forced to work since she was 5 years old, no education and left vulnerable to the world. She's endured unspeakable acts done to her person and been brave enough to walk for 4 months to reach the land of opportunity. She's the girl we should be reaching out to.
It seems those times are past now. Enter the drug dealing 15 year old. Enter the 16 year old gang member. Enter the 22 year old....child? Enter the government bent on destroying itself from the inside out. What do we normally do with America's children involved in illegal activities? We put them in residential centers with therapy and education. They'll either sit there and wait or go without ..... America has more interesting children to placate now.
Friday, August 01, 2014
Monday, June 16, 2014
Lack of Identity
Probably I shouldn't write posts when I'm still going through the anger phase. Already past grieving, and on the verge of forgiveness, I am a lost woman. I am lost in the sense that I no longer feel any sort of identity. I've been a foster parent for 12 years and suddenly I no longer know who I am or what I should be doing. I wander aimlessly, doing housework intermittently and making sure my two girls get to their activities. After years of purpose in something bigger than myself I have no other work left to look forward to.
A couple weeks ago we went through an investigation for allegations of abuse regarding an adult still in foster care but not living in our home. We haven't received the official letter yet but we are aware the allegations will be unfounded. We've been through allegations before but it's never gotten to this level. It's helpful though, that this particular person has a criminal record and a history of some pretty extravagant lies. Allegations of abuse are serious, even the unfounded dog abuse allegations we suffered through years ago were no laughing matter. No one should take these things lightly and we appreciated the investigator doing her job. Burn out and lies play a heavy toll and we are no longer licensed to provide foster care.
We had considered dropping our foster care license 2 years ago. We were experiencing burn out, tired of feeling used and less than human. Tired of being damaged by the system over and over. It's not just the kids who walk away hurt and untrusting. Adults often come away from the attachment to the kids, the court proceedings, and the lies and deceit with alot less faith in the system. We experience splash-back trauma for years, and then walk back into society's version of normal life with skewed perspectives and the ability to distrust everyone around us. We've learned to manipulate and control. We've learned that families aren't forever. We've learned to rely on social workers who don't always care. But mostly we've learned to love children we never expected to love.
They've walked through our home as packaged disasters and walked away knowing what unconditional love and safety look like. They've learned that Moms cry with you when you're sad and hurt, and Dads teach you to work hard for the things you want in life. Sisters teach you how to climb trees and the real meaning behind snack and homework time. Grandparents send surprises and dish out hugs to even the most unlovable boys and girls, breaking down barriers and building a firm foundation for healthy emotions. And family means we are one unit and we work together until we trust and love and depend on each other.
I feel like an old woman reminiscing over the years, looking back on the children I've parented and the ones I've wished for. I could stay bitter just as I am now, although I know it wont last. I could hold on to the anger and frustration at the things I've lost, lash out at the person who hurt me. Or I can remember the journey and smile with a sparkle in my eye at the things I have experienced and the hearts I've held close to me. I expect to feel the loss for quite some time and I expect to feel the emptiness until something else fills the gap.
Will we ever foster again? I don't know if that road will ever circle back around. Will we go on to adopt? I'd like to think so. Certainly, we will continue saving and fundraising toward that goal, knowing there is a little boy or even brothers just waiting for us to welcome them home.
Will we ever be the same? I hope not. I want to know I've gained a greater understanding of human emotions, a different way to see the world, and the discernment to know when it's time to do something great with my life. As for my lack of identity I wonder if God is shaping me for something huge. He's instilled in me the knowledge and experience to do amazing things for Him. I've always thought of myself as "A Foster Parent". Maybe that's in the way now.
What's next for us? I have no idea. But I'll reach out and grab onto the next adventure just as soon as God says "I choose you."
A couple weeks ago we went through an investigation for allegations of abuse regarding an adult still in foster care but not living in our home. We haven't received the official letter yet but we are aware the allegations will be unfounded. We've been through allegations before but it's never gotten to this level. It's helpful though, that this particular person has a criminal record and a history of some pretty extravagant lies. Allegations of abuse are serious, even the unfounded dog abuse allegations we suffered through years ago were no laughing matter. No one should take these things lightly and we appreciated the investigator doing her job. Burn out and lies play a heavy toll and we are no longer licensed to provide foster care.
We had considered dropping our foster care license 2 years ago. We were experiencing burn out, tired of feeling used and less than human. Tired of being damaged by the system over and over. It's not just the kids who walk away hurt and untrusting. Adults often come away from the attachment to the kids, the court proceedings, and the lies and deceit with alot less faith in the system. We experience splash-back trauma for years, and then walk back into society's version of normal life with skewed perspectives and the ability to distrust everyone around us. We've learned to manipulate and control. We've learned that families aren't forever. We've learned to rely on social workers who don't always care. But mostly we've learned to love children we never expected to love.
They've walked through our home as packaged disasters and walked away knowing what unconditional love and safety look like. They've learned that Moms cry with you when you're sad and hurt, and Dads teach you to work hard for the things you want in life. Sisters teach you how to climb trees and the real meaning behind snack and homework time. Grandparents send surprises and dish out hugs to even the most unlovable boys and girls, breaking down barriers and building a firm foundation for healthy emotions. And family means we are one unit and we work together until we trust and love and depend on each other.
I feel like an old woman reminiscing over the years, looking back on the children I've parented and the ones I've wished for. I could stay bitter just as I am now, although I know it wont last. I could hold on to the anger and frustration at the things I've lost, lash out at the person who hurt me. Or I can remember the journey and smile with a sparkle in my eye at the things I have experienced and the hearts I've held close to me. I expect to feel the loss for quite some time and I expect to feel the emptiness until something else fills the gap.
Will we ever foster again? I don't know if that road will ever circle back around. Will we go on to adopt? I'd like to think so. Certainly, we will continue saving and fundraising toward that goal, knowing there is a little boy or even brothers just waiting for us to welcome them home.
Will we ever be the same? I hope not. I want to know I've gained a greater understanding of human emotions, a different way to see the world, and the discernment to know when it's time to do something great with my life. As for my lack of identity I wonder if God is shaping me for something huge. He's instilled in me the knowledge and experience to do amazing things for Him. I've always thought of myself as "A Foster Parent". Maybe that's in the way now.
What's next for us? I have no idea. But I'll reach out and grab onto the next adventure just as soon as God says "I choose you."
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Under Pressure
Ya know that feeling when you're under pressure but you can't figure out where you need to start to get things moving? Yeah.
I feel my age creeping up on me. Not in the sense that one would normally think. I don't FEEL old. But the adoption world thinks I'm getting old. In a few years it will be a fight if we want to adopt. I never thought I'd be in this posotion. Simply because my age will tell them I'm no longer fit to parent and must only be allowed to adopt older or damaged children from the US foster system.
I went through my 20's certain I wanted 7 kids. I don't know why I picked that number. We've had over 55 children through our home. But..... I have only been allowed to keep 2 of them. Most days I feel quite broken hearted over that.Where did the time go? Did I waste it somehow? We have made so many inquiries on waiting kids.....some of the kids are still waiting. But we're still waiting too. We have 3 empty beds! So why aren't they full? We have such a broken system. It's easier on my brain to think the system is more broken than I am.
I usually see breaks between placements as a time for me to heal. But this time I have had plenty of time to feel quite useless. I should've been working on adoption fundraisers but I just can't put my finger on where I should start. Somewhere in the back of my mind I already know where to start but getting there is a completely different story!
So instead I've worked on my career. I have found peace and creativity in my work, but with my very being I know I can juggle work and adoption, creating more than a career. Creating a permanent home to a couple boys who desperately need a mom and a dad, and two sisters who don't realize how much fun it would be to have brothers. I keep feeling they're out there somewhere. I have this guilt that they're waiting for me, waiting for us, to get enough of our finances together to bring them home. And yet I have so many distractions, so many things get in the way, demanding my time and attention and money. I'm glad in a way, for the distractions. I once made the mistake of searching for a child on a waiting child listing. Naturally, I found one :)
I hope this Summer will bring time and money to our lives. Not for any other reason than 2 little boys waiting to come home.......
I feel my age creeping up on me. Not in the sense that one would normally think. I don't FEEL old. But the adoption world thinks I'm getting old. In a few years it will be a fight if we want to adopt. I never thought I'd be in this posotion. Simply because my age will tell them I'm no longer fit to parent and must only be allowed to adopt older or damaged children from the US foster system.
I went through my 20's certain I wanted 7 kids. I don't know why I picked that number. We've had over 55 children through our home. But..... I have only been allowed to keep 2 of them. Most days I feel quite broken hearted over that.Where did the time go? Did I waste it somehow? We have made so many inquiries on waiting kids.....some of the kids are still waiting. But we're still waiting too. We have 3 empty beds! So why aren't they full? We have such a broken system. It's easier on my brain to think the system is more broken than I am.
I usually see breaks between placements as a time for me to heal. But this time I have had plenty of time to feel quite useless. I should've been working on adoption fundraisers but I just can't put my finger on where I should start. Somewhere in the back of my mind I already know where to start but getting there is a completely different story!
So instead I've worked on my career. I have found peace and creativity in my work, but with my very being I know I can juggle work and adoption, creating more than a career. Creating a permanent home to a couple boys who desperately need a mom and a dad, and two sisters who don't realize how much fun it would be to have brothers. I keep feeling they're out there somewhere. I have this guilt that they're waiting for me, waiting for us, to get enough of our finances together to bring them home. And yet I have so many distractions, so many things get in the way, demanding my time and attention and money. I'm glad in a way, for the distractions. I once made the mistake of searching for a child on a waiting child listing. Naturally, I found one :)
I hope this Summer will bring time and money to our lives. Not for any other reason than 2 little boys waiting to come home.......
Monday, August 26, 2013
Waiting for dawn
I asked a friend this morning what her goal is for the next year. She seemed down about life and well, I know the feeling. I like to inspire. I want to know I've made a difference to someone. I have the word "Inspire" tattooed on my foot.... it's been a fabulous reminder so far of the person I've aspired to be.
My friend was disappointed in herself when she didn't have a goal for the next year. I suggested she go to a place she loves - in this case hiking in the mountains - and take a snack, water, and a notebook and pencil. I told her to tell God outloud how much she appreciates His handiwork! And then begin to write a prayer with questions, making sure to include the date. Do this exercise as often as possible and leave a gap for notes.
I had done this exercise several years ago when I was floundering around life and some of my prayerful questions were answered within a couple weeks. After a while I moved away from the idea, misplaced my notebook and relocated to a larger farm down the road. Discovering my notebook a couple years ago made such an impact I've never forgotten it. Some of my prayers weren't answered for 2 years! Ridiculous to me, but all in perfect time.
I feel lately like I'm not giving enough back. Not giving enough back to my kids, my church, the foster and adoption communities I've pledged to support and be a resource for. Am I failing somewhere? I'm losing sight of my goals. Back to the drawing board.... rather, the notebook. Some days I just need to be reminded to take a bit of my own advice. If I take care of me, I have more me to give.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
That moment when they pull the plug....
So there I was. Bawling like a baby in her studio, wishing I was well rested and not emotional, but I was at least thrilled to be there! It was a beautiful studio and I had prayed hard for a place just like this one.
After I decided to do a painting fundraiser and a cooking fundraiser, I put the word out looking for a location for each class. It wasn't long and a friend suggested a professional artist nearby. I contacted her, she seemed thrilled to help, and we set up a time to meet. I held it together pretty well until we started talking about Brooke. My heart crumbled and when the first tear fell I just couldn't hold it all back. After a while we were able to talk quite a bit about how many people the studio would hold, she wanted to advertise on the sign out front to get more interest in the class, I already had an artist willing to donate her time to teach the class, and I felt so blessed by all the things happening at once! The studio owner seemed excited and ready to move forward and she asked if she could donate all the supplies we would need! My heart was ready to explode! These are things I read about in magazines and inspirational books and blogs, articles sent out in newletters from adoption agencies. Not only was she donating the studio space and helping advertise, but she wanted to supply us with everything we needed! She said we shouldn't have to pay anything out.....simply apply the profits to our adoption savings. She asked that I get a blanket non-profit organization to oversee the fundraiser and I was a bit confused about that but I left that place with the biggest smile on my face. I cried again on the way home celebrating God's heart for orphans. It wouldn't be long and we would be bringing our little boy home.
I checked with the first non-profit and after waiting almost 2 weeks they said no. I asked a friend who had already told me he would help in that area and he was very generous in offering the non-profit usage. The studio owner was requesting a meeting with the non-profit manager and my artist so we bounced a bucket load of emails back and forth until we were able to set up the time and place a week and a half out. I was nervous and excited! I had begun to think of other advertising strategies and I was diligently spreading the word to friends and family.... Our first big fundraiser would be happening around the first of June!!!
And then.....well, you've heard the saying "Pulled the rug out from under me".
The studio owner backed out the day before the meeting. She said the building owners weren't comfortable with my fundraiser. I think because she wasn't emotionally invested she couldn't advocate for us. I felt like I had stayed in contact and worked so hard for weeks to get the non-profit piece. I had turned my week upside down setting up the meeting, had put so much heart and soul into a place where my faith was already small. I had literally wasted weeks. My heart was so broken! How does this happen? How do you put so much into something that means the world and then someone just....pulls the plug! I fell into a fog and didn't really care what happened then. Maybe it was all a huge mistake. Maybe we aren't meant to adopt. That night I prayed for God to take away my desire to adopt. It would just be so much easier if I had absolutely no desire to adopt ever again! Telling myself constantly that it was a stupid idea and I don't even like children wasn't really working though.
My artist is still on board and can't wait to teach the class. I have taken quite a few steps backward, to the very start of this idea. Weeks and even months wasted with planning and falling apart, back to square one. I'm trying to patch my heart back together but I am still so bummed it's proving difficult. And the desire is still there. This awful desire I can't get to go away. I can't make it leave. It would make life so much easier if it would just quit, just go away. I DON'T WANT TO ADOPT! But it isn't working and it's still there and I'm still wishing and dreaming. I keep getting these horrible newsletters from agencies, reminders that children are still waiting. I keep getting photo listings that I want to unsubscribe from but I just can't. They're in my thoughts and in my dreams. They're all still waiting. There are thousands and thousands of orphans, we have 4 empty beds and room in our hearts..... and they're still waiting. And I don't know what to do from here. I don't know if I can put my tiny faith back out there in hopes someone will snatch it up and build on it. I feel drained and helpless. But certainly not as helpless as my son....who is still waiting for me to throw myself together and come for him.
After I decided to do a painting fundraiser and a cooking fundraiser, I put the word out looking for a location for each class. It wasn't long and a friend suggested a professional artist nearby. I contacted her, she seemed thrilled to help, and we set up a time to meet. I held it together pretty well until we started talking about Brooke. My heart crumbled and when the first tear fell I just couldn't hold it all back. After a while we were able to talk quite a bit about how many people the studio would hold, she wanted to advertise on the sign out front to get more interest in the class, I already had an artist willing to donate her time to teach the class, and I felt so blessed by all the things happening at once! The studio owner seemed excited and ready to move forward and she asked if she could donate all the supplies we would need! My heart was ready to explode! These are things I read about in magazines and inspirational books and blogs, articles sent out in newletters from adoption agencies. Not only was she donating the studio space and helping advertise, but she wanted to supply us with everything we needed! She said we shouldn't have to pay anything out.....simply apply the profits to our adoption savings. She asked that I get a blanket non-profit organization to oversee the fundraiser and I was a bit confused about that but I left that place with the biggest smile on my face. I cried again on the way home celebrating God's heart for orphans. It wouldn't be long and we would be bringing our little boy home.
I checked with the first non-profit and after waiting almost 2 weeks they said no. I asked a friend who had already told me he would help in that area and he was very generous in offering the non-profit usage. The studio owner was requesting a meeting with the non-profit manager and my artist so we bounced a bucket load of emails back and forth until we were able to set up the time and place a week and a half out. I was nervous and excited! I had begun to think of other advertising strategies and I was diligently spreading the word to friends and family.... Our first big fundraiser would be happening around the first of June!!!
And then.....well, you've heard the saying "Pulled the rug out from under me".
The studio owner backed out the day before the meeting. She said the building owners weren't comfortable with my fundraiser. I think because she wasn't emotionally invested she couldn't advocate for us. I felt like I had stayed in contact and worked so hard for weeks to get the non-profit piece. I had turned my week upside down setting up the meeting, had put so much heart and soul into a place where my faith was already small. I had literally wasted weeks. My heart was so broken! How does this happen? How do you put so much into something that means the world and then someone just....pulls the plug! I fell into a fog and didn't really care what happened then. Maybe it was all a huge mistake. Maybe we aren't meant to adopt. That night I prayed for God to take away my desire to adopt. It would just be so much easier if I had absolutely no desire to adopt ever again! Telling myself constantly that it was a stupid idea and I don't even like children wasn't really working though.
My artist is still on board and can't wait to teach the class. I have taken quite a few steps backward, to the very start of this idea. Weeks and even months wasted with planning and falling apart, back to square one. I'm trying to patch my heart back together but I am still so bummed it's proving difficult. And the desire is still there. This awful desire I can't get to go away. I can't make it leave. It would make life so much easier if it would just quit, just go away. I DON'T WANT TO ADOPT! But it isn't working and it's still there and I'm still wishing and dreaming. I keep getting these horrible newsletters from agencies, reminders that children are still waiting. I keep getting photo listings that I want to unsubscribe from but I just can't. They're in my thoughts and in my dreams. They're all still waiting. There are thousands and thousands of orphans, we have 4 empty beds and room in our hearts..... and they're still waiting. And I don't know what to do from here. I don't know if I can put my tiny faith back out there in hopes someone will snatch it up and build on it. I feel drained and helpless. But certainly not as helpless as my son....who is still waiting for me to throw myself together and come for him.
Saturday, January 05, 2013
Another Day, Another Dollar.....
Or another 17 cents. That's the only change I had left over from today. Disappointing, but my little International Adoption store is open! See it at http://www.flickr.com/photos/adopt/ It's called JourneyToYou and I'm super excited about it! I have already sold $129 worth of items from Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Uganda and Thailand. I need to locate some more items to add to my store.
The world keeps turning and I just keep seeing these cute little faces I want to call my own! And some faces that are not so little. We have inquired about some waiting kids.... 3 teenagers in different states. It's always such a gamble when you delve into the world of waiting children. With domestic/private, you fill out forms and pay ridiculous sums of money hoping for a healthy baby. You make a photo album and you wait for a birth mother to choose your family. Sometimes it's a matter of weeks and sometimes it's a matter of years. With International, you fill out gobs of paperwork, pay gobs of money, get matched with a child and you wait. Could be months. Could be a year or 2. But then there's the U.S. foster system. It should be stable. It should be text book. And it should be encouraging. Instead, I almost dread it. We inquired about more than 200 children in a 10 year period. We fostered 48 children until Aniah came along, 9 years after we started foster care hoping to adopt. I don't want to wait another 9 years to adopt again! International adoption is much more appealing to me than the foster system. The waiting child program in America is a lovely idea and I'm sure it works well for some families. Obviously, it hasn't worked well for us so I am hesitant to throw all our eggs in one basket and hope for the best. I'd much rather choose an agency, pay the fees and do the paperwork, knowing we will soon be matched with a child! I want the entire process! I want the steps and the wait (short wait please!), the excitement and the thought process and all the questions! How old is he? Does he have any special needs? What is his educational background (behavioral, environmental etc)? How did he end up as an orphan? Does he have siblings? And what are his likes and dislikes? But most of all.....when can we meet our son?
(Sigh)
So, I am saving and praying and hoping. I have to believe! "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened".
The world keeps turning and I just keep seeing these cute little faces I want to call my own! And some faces that are not so little. We have inquired about some waiting kids.... 3 teenagers in different states. It's always such a gamble when you delve into the world of waiting children. With domestic/private, you fill out forms and pay ridiculous sums of money hoping for a healthy baby. You make a photo album and you wait for a birth mother to choose your family. Sometimes it's a matter of weeks and sometimes it's a matter of years. With International, you fill out gobs of paperwork, pay gobs of money, get matched with a child and you wait. Could be months. Could be a year or 2. But then there's the U.S. foster system. It should be stable. It should be text book. And it should be encouraging. Instead, I almost dread it. We inquired about more than 200 children in a 10 year period. We fostered 48 children until Aniah came along, 9 years after we started foster care hoping to adopt. I don't want to wait another 9 years to adopt again! International adoption is much more appealing to me than the foster system. The waiting child program in America is a lovely idea and I'm sure it works well for some families. Obviously, it hasn't worked well for us so I am hesitant to throw all our eggs in one basket and hope for the best. I'd much rather choose an agency, pay the fees and do the paperwork, knowing we will soon be matched with a child! I want the entire process! I want the steps and the wait (short wait please!), the excitement and the thought process and all the questions! How old is he? Does he have any special needs? What is his educational background (behavioral, environmental etc)? How did he end up as an orphan? Does he have siblings? And what are his likes and dislikes? But most of all.....when can we meet our son?
(Sigh)
So, I am saving and praying and hoping. I have to believe! "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened".
Sunday, December 02, 2012
Wishes and Dreams
I tried so hard not to let a single tear escape my eyes last Sunday during the service at church. The preacher talked about making wishes and what they were intended for and what we planned to do with the wish if it was granted. Ooooooh he had no idea that what he was talking about would have such an impact to me! And today only seemed like reinforcement.
When we brought Brooke home from Thailand so many years ago we had hoped our next adoption would be a little boy. Last year we adopted Aniah and I have hoped for that little boy all along. It seemed my dream extended out a bit to include a special needs boy or brothers from Taiwan. International adoption is sooooo expensive and we know there is no way we can afford to do it again. But God can! Last Sunday morning I sat in that seat at church and made a birthday wish.....last Sunday was my birthday and although I had no cake or candles I felt I was still allowed a wish. I remember one time as a child I wished we would stop moving so I could make friends. Little did I know, God intended for me to be married before I could stop moving all over the United States! My husband was tailor made to provide stability and security for me. I figure wishes do come true after all because I have so many friends it still amazes me!
I know the sermon was geared toward Christmas but wouldn't it have double significance if it was my birthday too?! So I bowed my head and closed my eyes and with a smile I asked God for a son (or sons!). I don't know what His answer will be, I just know my own heart and what I desire most.
When we got back from Thailand almost a year ago I began saving change to adopt again. I have such a small amount saved that at times it's so discouraging. And then I perk up and think "Well, I have enough to pay for the application to an adoption agency!" I began asking friends to donate things I can sell to help fund our adoption. We have recieved items from Thailand, Finland, Pakistan, Ghana, some Native American items, and some beaded spoons and wishing jars I have made myself. I am hoping to start a blog with the items for sale to help fund our adoption of a special needs boy or boys from Taiwan.
So close your eyes and smile..... and make a WISH! Merry Christmas, everyone. May all your dreams come true :)
When we brought Brooke home from Thailand so many years ago we had hoped our next adoption would be a little boy. Last year we adopted Aniah and I have hoped for that little boy all along. It seemed my dream extended out a bit to include a special needs boy or brothers from Taiwan. International adoption is sooooo expensive and we know there is no way we can afford to do it again. But God can! Last Sunday morning I sat in that seat at church and made a birthday wish.....last Sunday was my birthday and although I had no cake or candles I felt I was still allowed a wish. I remember one time as a child I wished we would stop moving so I could make friends. Little did I know, God intended for me to be married before I could stop moving all over the United States! My husband was tailor made to provide stability and security for me. I figure wishes do come true after all because I have so many friends it still amazes me!
I know the sermon was geared toward Christmas but wouldn't it have double significance if it was my birthday too?! So I bowed my head and closed my eyes and with a smile I asked God for a son (or sons!). I don't know what His answer will be, I just know my own heart and what I desire most.
When we got back from Thailand almost a year ago I began saving change to adopt again. I have such a small amount saved that at times it's so discouraging. And then I perk up and think "Well, I have enough to pay for the application to an adoption agency!" I began asking friends to donate things I can sell to help fund our adoption. We have recieved items from Thailand, Finland, Pakistan, Ghana, some Native American items, and some beaded spoons and wishing jars I have made myself. I am hoping to start a blog with the items for sale to help fund our adoption of a special needs boy or boys from Taiwan.
So close your eyes and smile..... and make a WISH! Merry Christmas, everyone. May all your dreams come true :)
Just a little Time
I know you've heard the phrase "Time heals all things." Or someone has said to you "just give it time!" Well, sometimes that's true, and sometimes that works. I liken it more to a scab, and then later a scar. It's still there and a constant reminder but at least most of the pain is gone. If you scratch at the scab or you stretch or tear the scar it can be painful and make you not want to experience it again! There are so many of us who are ready to jump back in and risk making another scar all for the sake of loving another human being.
Some days I feel that bitter lump in my throat and remind myself I am soooo over Brooke's selfishness. And then I turn right around and give myself a mental slap across the cheek and laugh about it all. Brooke is my daughter and I love her so much. It's unfortunate she's chosen a while longer in Thailand and I am no longer reaching so hard for the goal of her coming home. Obviously, that's what I would love most of all! To have my kiddo back here where I can help her grow and learn and maybe one day be successful and independent and I can see her often. But I have stopped holding on to that dream. Instead, I want to shift focus to what she will do for her livelihood. Naturally, I'd like to walk with her on that journey but it would prove difficult with me here and her there! I hope when that time comes God will make a pathway so well lit we cannot miss it! A place for her to live, a job, maybe even a mentor :)
For a year now we've not sent anything to Brooke. Nothing beyond emails to our friends there and emails to the head social worker at the orphanage passing on messages. I have felt awful about it! I have felt selfish and embarassed at my behavior and then God gives me peace and tells me I've done the right thing. I am trying to decide what to send her for Christmas that she won't be able to sell for more rice (that she doesn't need since she's a large girl!) or something no one would be interested in taking from her. I think a letter and a notebook and colored pencils with a new photo album....full of pictures of the family she's missing out on "back home". Maybe when the time comes for her to graduate we can be there for her, just like I would for any of my kids. And one day she will either fit us in to her life, or we will fit her back in to ours. Either way, I miss my girl.
On a lighter note, Aniah is a charming little devil! She has pulled the wool over many a babysitter's eyes! Funny and intelligent, naughty and quite the mess-maker, we couldn't imagine not having her racing through the house yelling something hilarious. It's hard to believe she's 3 now, and even harder to believe we adopted her over a year ago! I am still in disbelief we actually adopted and finalized and still have our kid hahaha
And I can't leave a note behind without mentioning Cody. She's learned so much through us, not all of it good I'm sure, but I have tried to be the best Mother I can be to her. She's quirky and fun to be around and I love the fact that she enjoys school so very much. She makes good grades and has fun in everything she does. Sometimes people ask her how she feels about foster care and adoption. She teases and says she could do without her baby sister but we know their love/hate relationship is more about love and tolerance than anything else. It can't be easy being 10 years older than your sister! And she misses her big sister but she's learned to accept it and move forward. Cody is not only my daughter, but my friend as well and we enjoy spending time together. Always up for excitement and adventure.....that's my Cody :)
Some days I feel that bitter lump in my throat and remind myself I am soooo over Brooke's selfishness. And then I turn right around and give myself a mental slap across the cheek and laugh about it all. Brooke is my daughter and I love her so much. It's unfortunate she's chosen a while longer in Thailand and I am no longer reaching so hard for the goal of her coming home. Obviously, that's what I would love most of all! To have my kiddo back here where I can help her grow and learn and maybe one day be successful and independent and I can see her often. But I have stopped holding on to that dream. Instead, I want to shift focus to what she will do for her livelihood. Naturally, I'd like to walk with her on that journey but it would prove difficult with me here and her there! I hope when that time comes God will make a pathway so well lit we cannot miss it! A place for her to live, a job, maybe even a mentor :)
For a year now we've not sent anything to Brooke. Nothing beyond emails to our friends there and emails to the head social worker at the orphanage passing on messages. I have felt awful about it! I have felt selfish and embarassed at my behavior and then God gives me peace and tells me I've done the right thing. I am trying to decide what to send her for Christmas that she won't be able to sell for more rice (that she doesn't need since she's a large girl!) or something no one would be interested in taking from her. I think a letter and a notebook and colored pencils with a new photo album....full of pictures of the family she's missing out on "back home". Maybe when the time comes for her to graduate we can be there for her, just like I would for any of my kids. And one day she will either fit us in to her life, or we will fit her back in to ours. Either way, I miss my girl.
On a lighter note, Aniah is a charming little devil! She has pulled the wool over many a babysitter's eyes! Funny and intelligent, naughty and quite the mess-maker, we couldn't imagine not having her racing through the house yelling something hilarious. It's hard to believe she's 3 now, and even harder to believe we adopted her over a year ago! I am still in disbelief we actually adopted and finalized and still have our kid hahaha
And I can't leave a note behind without mentioning Cody. She's learned so much through us, not all of it good I'm sure, but I have tried to be the best Mother I can be to her. She's quirky and fun to be around and I love the fact that she enjoys school so very much. She makes good grades and has fun in everything she does. Sometimes people ask her how she feels about foster care and adoption. She teases and says she could do without her baby sister but we know their love/hate relationship is more about love and tolerance than anything else. It can't be easy being 10 years older than your sister! And she misses her big sister but she's learned to accept it and move forward. Cody is not only my daughter, but my friend as well and we enjoy spending time together. Always up for excitement and adventure.....that's my Cody :)
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