So, I was sitting here waiting for this page to load so I could post real quick and I noticed a piece of popcorn....quite alientated....in a roll of paper.....on my computer tower. Looking back to night before last, I had been smelling popcorn from somewhere. I looked around and didn't see any! I haven't had popcorn in about 2 weeks! But there it is. The roll of paper is from a project Cody did in school, and when she gave it to me she told me I couldn't throw it away. So what do you do with a piece of paper that's half the size of a roll of paper towels? Well, I gently laid it aside on top of my tower to await its fate. And there, just inside one of the spiral rolls is this popcorn. Stuck.....as if someone put it there. Why haven't the dogs discovered it yet and torn the room apart trying to get to it? One may never know. So that brings me to my next thought.....I feel stuck. I feel like I should be going somewhere, having some goal to attempt, reaching out to.....something. Just doing something! I stay busy most all day (ask my poor sister and brother who try to call me all the time and i'm never home!). I work sometimes, run Cody to and from school, volunteer with this and that, get a few things done around the house and then the end of the day races up to me and drags me down exhausted onto the couch. When I have the energy I actually get up and brush my teeth and wobble to bed.
I'm pretty sure I know what happened. In March 2004 we saw a photo of a child in need. She was 9 or 10 years old, special needs and we fell in love with that little girl. In October 2004 we joined an adoption agency to bring this sweet little girl home. Only, by then, her profile was updated and she was all-of-a-sudden a 12 year old! That's ok though, right? 12 isn't so bad! And she still needed us just as badly as we needed another child in our lives!
She turned 13. Then 2005 rolled around. And then she turned 14. And we still waited to travel. Finally, the day came. It was October 2006. We met our daughter and brought her home. Through thick and thin, we'd navigated red-tape and a foreign country. We had another daughter for 9 months. She turned 15 during that time and grew to such a funny and inspiring girl! And then the world stopped in February 2007. It began to turn again ever so slowly but July 5th rolled around so quickly our stomachs churned. There hadn't been enough time! There hadn't been enough time to teach her life skills, how to cook and sew, how to use a washing machine or drive a car! Where is my daughter when I need to teach her how to do things! Where is she when I need to tell her I love her so much! Where is she when I want to see her smile and hear her laughter! Just the chance to brush her hair again, to help her with her homework, do her nails, sing a song together, hear her laugh over something Cody has done, or listen to her ask her Daddy when her favorite TV show is coming on. Just to hear her voice....Just to see her face. Just to know she's Ok for sure and see it for myself. I've tried so hard to pretend she's just away at school. Like sending a teen away to college! But my heart knows.....my heart squeezes against the pain and my tears trail down my cheeks..... and I know she's Ok simply because someone told me so. I have to trust that.
Brooke is doing well, from what we hear. She has said she wants to come home. She will be 16 in about 2 months and there isn't enough time to tell her all the things I wanted to say to my child....soon she will be an adult. I thought a few weeks ago of the brief time we spent together and laughed at my own tears! Brooke has been our daughter since birth! It just took us 12 years to find her. She is still our daughter....always will be. God placed her in our home for a reason and then moved her back for another reason. He has a plan, I know He does. But there is still that little lost piece of popcorn....stuck in a strange place.
We've sent a package to Brooke. And some letters. She's taking English lessons and LifeSkills as well. And where am I? Halfway around the world, wishing I could give my right arm (or left....I'm ambidextrous anyway) to be there. I am jealous. I truly am. There are 2 other mothers being a mother to my child. I guess I can kinda see where a birth mother can get jealous and angry, ashamed and uncertain. Someone else is raising my child! But those other mothers....they are angels sent directly from God just for my baby girl!!!! God prepared them many years ago for this moment in time, for this child.....for me. I can't tell them how much I appreciate them, how grateful we are that they are there for Brooke when we can't be. They just don't know that the tears I cry can easily be wiped away with a smile because I know God sent them to care for my daughter. You know who you are, and I thank you so much for what you've done for my daughter! You're so special to us! Thank you.
