So, we had set a goal to begin contacting immigration attorneys about Brooke's return to America. We were going to begin looking for Visa help in January but I just couldn't wait. I started looking last week.
We contacted two attorneys to begin with. One is local and seems interested but wants to review some laws first and will get back to us this week. Another is in a different state but speaks Thai. He asked some questions and i've not heard back. We're nervous of course and sure this will cost a fortune....but this is our child! We want our daughter back!
We've talked alot about our future trip to Thailand and wonder what that will look like. Will things be in order when it's time to go? Will things be in order over there so that Brooke will be released? Are they going to give us trouble at the last moment? How long will we need to be there? Will she still want to come home? So many more thoughts....but I just have a hard time putting words to it all. In Psalms David said "Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely." This is my prayer most days when I just have no words.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Sunday, November 30, 2008
The Countdown
Tomorrow is Brooke's birthday. Well actually it is right now since they are half a day ahead of us in time. We sent her a birthday package but I am thinking it won't make it in time due to all the flights in and out of Thailand being cancelled right now. There have been bombs and people being shot in Thailand for the past two weeks. I have had panicky moments quite a few times in the past week! Is Brooke safe? I have no way of knowing.
We've lost a bit of contact over the last 7 months. Brooke doesn't read or write well enough to respond to any letters we've sent. There is no one who will take the time to write us a letter or email to let us know how she is. Our one contact is a very busy lady and we don't want to inconvenience her....although I often sit sifting through my email ...rolling my mouse up and down just hoping I have missed an email from someone who has seen or spoken to Brooke.
So, tomorrow is Brooke's birthday. Although I am terribly sad my oldest daughter is not here so that I can make her a cake and takes pictures of her opening presents....I will celebrate in my heart all day tomorrow.....knowing it is the start of the end....the countdown.
Tomorrow Brooke turns 17.
We've lost a bit of contact over the last 7 months. Brooke doesn't read or write well enough to respond to any letters we've sent. There is no one who will take the time to write us a letter or email to let us know how she is. Our one contact is a very busy lady and we don't want to inconvenience her....although I often sit sifting through my email ...rolling my mouse up and down just hoping I have missed an email from someone who has seen or spoken to Brooke.
So, tomorrow is Brooke's birthday. Although I am terribly sad my oldest daughter is not here so that I can make her a cake and takes pictures of her opening presents....I will celebrate in my heart all day tomorrow.....knowing it is the start of the end....the countdown.
Tomorrow Brooke turns 17.
Saturday, July 05, 2008
On This Day in History
One year ago today I saw my daughter's face for the last time. By this time a year ago, she was well on her way across the Pacific Ocean heading toward Tokyo and ultimately Thailand. And I was heading back home with Tommy and Cody. We drove away from the airport angry and depressed, sad and confused, and suddenly Cody said "Mom! Wait! Stop, Dad! We forgot Brooke!" We explained it all over again to her, making an attempt to keep from crying while we reminded her that Brooke was going back to Thailand and we were going back home to try to patch our lives back together. Cody began crying and saying "No, she's my sister forever! We have to go back and get her. You told me she was going to stay, Mom! She's not a foster kid, she's my sister!" I had no words for that. I had lied. I had lied to everyone, telling them all that we were adopting Brooke, telling my family they had a new cousin, niece, granddaughter etc.....Telling Cody that Brooke was here forever.
I remind Cody often that Brooke is still her sister. They miss each other so much. We remind each other every day that Brooke is still a member of our family. When I talk to people about our family I tell them I have 2 daughters. Most people don't ask where my other daughter is, but every once in a while someone will say "and where is your oldest daughter?" I tell them she's studying in Thailand, or she lives in a foreign country. It doesn't make me feel any better but it keeps people from asking too many questions, ending in a lengthy story about the hows and whys of Brooke returning to Thailand. Anymore, I don't care to talk about it. I just want people to recognize we are a family of 4, I have 2 daughters, once is 16 and one is 8.
Last weekend, while visiting family in another state, I handed a lady a foster care pin and she asked something about fostering and adoption. When I began talking about fostering, I naturally began talking about adoption. We still want to adopt, we're still searching.....still waiting. As always, Brooke came up in the conversation. I began talking about her and the ladies asked why she had to return because they distantly remembered my family talking about a child who had to return to her native country. I briefly touched on the situation, not wanting to get into too much detail. Then they asked if we were able to contact her. I told them we were expected to maintain contact and we have been, as well as becoming anxious for the day Brooke will turn 18 and can return to us. When I looked up at their faces they were crying. I could no longer hold my own tears back, but at least I remained composed. Unlike other times when I have completely fallen apart.
During my visit with family, we were often introduced to quite a few people in one day. When someone would ask "Is this your only child?" my family would quickly reply "Yes" before I could form my own answer. After a few days of feeling reduced in spirit, I began to interrupt after the answer was already given, replying that I have another daughter by guardianship and she lives in another country right now, but that I have parented 17 children in 6 years. Often, those words would lead to me being able to speak about foster care and adoption and my heart would soar! I felt a sense of protection over all of those children seeking permanent situations, a sense of defense for all of those defenseless children all over the world. And a sense of taking charge for all of those families who want to adopt, all of those Mothers and Fathers whose relatives are against adoption.
My side of the family has been in denial about Brooke since the first day we told them we were adopting her. They told us we should adopt from America. They told us we had no business adopting or even doing foster care for that matter. I think they tolerate us doing foster care but when it comes to making it permanent they balk and become angry. We've been talked about many times, often when they think we have no idea they are talking about us. It's constantly negative and disturbing. They refuse to recognize Brooke, but she will always be a part of us. She has blazed the path for other children coming into our home in the future. Brooke is our hero! She will be a hero to all of our children! All of our foster children, since Brooke has been gone, know about her and think she sounds like a very fun sister. Many of them have wished they could meet her. She's a great kid, funny, smart, silly, interesting, but most of all she's ours.
God knows what He's doing. He has us doing foster care for a reason. Brooke came to us for a short time for a reason. We have learned so many lessons and had so many challenges since we first began the journey to Brooke in 2004. It's not over yet....we are still journeying to her. Every day brings us one day closer to bringing her home. The advantage we have over others adopting from foreign countries is that we know what day our daughter ages out of the system and when we can be there to bring her home!
Yesterday, I was talking to another foster parent about Brooke. We have found some children we are interested in adopting but they are in another state and our agency wants us to look in our state only. I was telling her how excited Brooke will be to come home to more siblings. Brooke had told us before she left that she wanted sisters. She said "Mom, baby girl, no boys!" I laughed and said no babies! haha! She would be happy no matter what. What a beautiful spirit my daughter has! Both of my girls have these beautiful, exciting spirits that pull mine to the surface and they help my personal sun shine bright every day that I think of them. I love my girls so much!
So, it's been a year. A year today. I know I will see her again, I just wish it was sooner rather than later! Last year started out rocky and ended on a sad and lonely note. This year started out hopeful. We are dying to go see Brooke, but ticket prices to fly there are so crazy right now, there is just no way we can do it. We're hoping by the end of the year to be holding our daughters in our arms and celebrating our little family, if only for a little while. Cody can't wait to see her big sister, and I can't wait to watch them together. Brooke, we miss you, hunny! And we love you so much!
I remind Cody often that Brooke is still her sister. They miss each other so much. We remind each other every day that Brooke is still a member of our family. When I talk to people about our family I tell them I have 2 daughters. Most people don't ask where my other daughter is, but every once in a while someone will say "and where is your oldest daughter?" I tell them she's studying in Thailand, or she lives in a foreign country. It doesn't make me feel any better but it keeps people from asking too many questions, ending in a lengthy story about the hows and whys of Brooke returning to Thailand. Anymore, I don't care to talk about it. I just want people to recognize we are a family of 4, I have 2 daughters, once is 16 and one is 8.
Last weekend, while visiting family in another state, I handed a lady a foster care pin and she asked something about fostering and adoption. When I began talking about fostering, I naturally began talking about adoption. We still want to adopt, we're still searching.....still waiting. As always, Brooke came up in the conversation. I began talking about her and the ladies asked why she had to return because they distantly remembered my family talking about a child who had to return to her native country. I briefly touched on the situation, not wanting to get into too much detail. Then they asked if we were able to contact her. I told them we were expected to maintain contact and we have been, as well as becoming anxious for the day Brooke will turn 18 and can return to us. When I looked up at their faces they were crying. I could no longer hold my own tears back, but at least I remained composed. Unlike other times when I have completely fallen apart.
During my visit with family, we were often introduced to quite a few people in one day. When someone would ask "Is this your only child?" my family would quickly reply "Yes" before I could form my own answer. After a few days of feeling reduced in spirit, I began to interrupt after the answer was already given, replying that I have another daughter by guardianship and she lives in another country right now, but that I have parented 17 children in 6 years. Often, those words would lead to me being able to speak about foster care and adoption and my heart would soar! I felt a sense of protection over all of those children seeking permanent situations, a sense of defense for all of those defenseless children all over the world. And a sense of taking charge for all of those families who want to adopt, all of those Mothers and Fathers whose relatives are against adoption.
My side of the family has been in denial about Brooke since the first day we told them we were adopting her. They told us we should adopt from America. They told us we had no business adopting or even doing foster care for that matter. I think they tolerate us doing foster care but when it comes to making it permanent they balk and become angry. We've been talked about many times, often when they think we have no idea they are talking about us. It's constantly negative and disturbing. They refuse to recognize Brooke, but she will always be a part of us. She has blazed the path for other children coming into our home in the future. Brooke is our hero! She will be a hero to all of our children! All of our foster children, since Brooke has been gone, know about her and think she sounds like a very fun sister. Many of them have wished they could meet her. She's a great kid, funny, smart, silly, interesting, but most of all she's ours.
God knows what He's doing. He has us doing foster care for a reason. Brooke came to us for a short time for a reason. We have learned so many lessons and had so many challenges since we first began the journey to Brooke in 2004. It's not over yet....we are still journeying to her. Every day brings us one day closer to bringing her home. The advantage we have over others adopting from foreign countries is that we know what day our daughter ages out of the system and when we can be there to bring her home!
Yesterday, I was talking to another foster parent about Brooke. We have found some children we are interested in adopting but they are in another state and our agency wants us to look in our state only. I was telling her how excited Brooke will be to come home to more siblings. Brooke had told us before she left that she wanted sisters. She said "Mom, baby girl, no boys!" I laughed and said no babies! haha! She would be happy no matter what. What a beautiful spirit my daughter has! Both of my girls have these beautiful, exciting spirits that pull mine to the surface and they help my personal sun shine bright every day that I think of them. I love my girls so much!
So, it's been a year. A year today. I know I will see her again, I just wish it was sooner rather than later! Last year started out rocky and ended on a sad and lonely note. This year started out hopeful. We are dying to go see Brooke, but ticket prices to fly there are so crazy right now, there is just no way we can do it. We're hoping by the end of the year to be holding our daughters in our arms and celebrating our little family, if only for a little while. Cody can't wait to see her big sister, and I can't wait to watch them together. Brooke, we miss you, hunny! And we love you so much!
Monday, April 28, 2008
Can't Let Go
Since December we've had 7 foster kids. None have been available for adoption of course.....so we're still looking. Our homestudy is sent out on a couple sibling groups. We keep praying for the right kids....
I have learned so many lessons over the last year and a half. Patience is at the top! Our family has grown closer, and we've grown closer to our church as well. We started a foster and adoption ministry at church back in October and one family is in the process of adopting a baby, while 2 other families are seriously considering fostering and adopting from the foster system! I'm so excited that God has used me to bring home more children! What an honor to be that kind of tool!
The foster kids we have now are challenging but I feel like i'm doing my part to make the world a safer place for these kids. Just this morning my little 3 year old was singing a Christian rock song she has heard on my vehicle radio several times - "Can't get away, can't get away, I keep running into you!" I started singing it w/ her and her 2 year old sibling began singing it too! It was awesome!
I enrolled one of my foster kids in school on Friday and the bus driver remembered Brooke. She said "Oh, you had another foster kid didn't you? Brooke was her name, right?" I just said yes and smiled. It hurt too much to think of her as temporary.
This month hasn't been easy though. Weekend before last we reunified our 2 foster girls w/ their mom. We miss the older one so much. Cody came to me on Saturday and crawled into my lap and said "Mom, I miss Brooke so much." I guess I just didn't realize that letting our foster daughter go would hurt her so much. I think it was more damaging than I anticipated. Saying Goodbye to our foster daughter just broke open an old wound and made Cody more cautious about loving and attaching to people she wants to care about. She's been clingy and often cries if she sees me volunteering at school. She says "Mom, I just can't let you go. What if I loose you? What if something happens to you? I can't live without you!" The tears surface in my eyes but I push them away and take the role of solid rock. I giggle and tickle her and hug her, and I tell her I love her and if something happens to me then Dad will pick her up from school. Then I give her a huge smile and tell her I want to see her happy....I want to see her smiling and enjoying school and her friends. She usually walks away sporting the most fake smile i've ever seen.....just to make me happy. When I leave the school I usually cry all the way home. But at the end of the day when I pick her up from karate she's so excited to see me it makes me want to cry all over again.
So, I sit here, looking at postings of available children and praying God brings our kids to us soon. At the same time I'm thinking this year is going by so slowly, I wish it would go by faster. Every day brings me one step closer to bringing Brooke home.
Again.
I have learned so many lessons over the last year and a half. Patience is at the top! Our family has grown closer, and we've grown closer to our church as well. We started a foster and adoption ministry at church back in October and one family is in the process of adopting a baby, while 2 other families are seriously considering fostering and adopting from the foster system! I'm so excited that God has used me to bring home more children! What an honor to be that kind of tool!
The foster kids we have now are challenging but I feel like i'm doing my part to make the world a safer place for these kids. Just this morning my little 3 year old was singing a Christian rock song she has heard on my vehicle radio several times - "Can't get away, can't get away, I keep running into you!" I started singing it w/ her and her 2 year old sibling began singing it too! It was awesome!
I enrolled one of my foster kids in school on Friday and the bus driver remembered Brooke. She said "Oh, you had another foster kid didn't you? Brooke was her name, right?" I just said yes and smiled. It hurt too much to think of her as temporary.
This month hasn't been easy though. Weekend before last we reunified our 2 foster girls w/ their mom. We miss the older one so much. Cody came to me on Saturday and crawled into my lap and said "Mom, I miss Brooke so much." I guess I just didn't realize that letting our foster daughter go would hurt her so much. I think it was more damaging than I anticipated. Saying Goodbye to our foster daughter just broke open an old wound and made Cody more cautious about loving and attaching to people she wants to care about. She's been clingy and often cries if she sees me volunteering at school. She says "Mom, I just can't let you go. What if I loose you? What if something happens to you? I can't live without you!" The tears surface in my eyes but I push them away and take the role of solid rock. I giggle and tickle her and hug her, and I tell her I love her and if something happens to me then Dad will pick her up from school. Then I give her a huge smile and tell her I want to see her happy....I want to see her smiling and enjoying school and her friends. She usually walks away sporting the most fake smile i've ever seen.....just to make me happy. When I leave the school I usually cry all the way home. But at the end of the day when I pick her up from karate she's so excited to see me it makes me want to cry all over again.
So, I sit here, looking at postings of available children and praying God brings our kids to us soon. At the same time I'm thinking this year is going by so slowly, I wish it would go by faster. Every day brings me one step closer to bringing Brooke home.
Again.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Today....I Miss You
Today, I miss you. Yesterday, I missed you too. Tomorrow won't change the way I feel. I thought after a while the hole in my heart would heal but it's still there and only you can fill it.
I thought I would write this post to Brooke. So many posts are just ramblings but this one is for Brooke. I don't know if you'll ever read it....but it's here for you when you are able.
Today I was thinking so much about you. I think it means you must be thinking about me too, or at least I would like to believe that! I was going to close this blog and call it complete but I know it's not. This blog is an adoption story....a journey of adoption. It was meant to be yours but I think I can say it's become too big. It's become a story of our family. It started as a journey to you and I am hoping it will continue with your journey back to us. As we go along in life we're all growing and changing. You may be half a world away, but you're still so much a part of our family.....you're a daughter and a sister, a grand-daughter and a niece. Don't ever forget how much we love you! And it's not just me and Dad and Cody....it's everyone! 2 Sets of Grandparents, 5 Great Grand-parents, 20 Aunts and Uncles, 9 Cousins, and countless Great-Aunts and Great-Uncles and an extended network of more distant cousins! They are all here....loving you and waiting for your return one day.
Brooke, I don't know how I have survived this last year. God has provided my sanity because I had none of my own left! It was about a year ago that we first heard that Thailand wanted you returned to them. It was a confusing time and a heartbreaking year.......looking back over the last several months we've still been confused and brokenhearted! I would like to say we've moved on, and in a way we have, but it doesn't mean that we don't wish we could redo alot of things. We often think of ways we could have run away and taken you with us.....or gone to Thailand with you and begged them to let us keep you. At the time it was a difficult decision to make but the one we made protected us all. The decision we made separated us....and it hurt...but we knew one day we could be together again. There were just too many people against us, too many people in authority making decisions without even knowing us. Without even knowing you, without knowing or even caring what you wanted.
The world is still turning, and like i've said before, we're turning with it now. For a long time we felt stale, we felt so empty and dry inside. Without your laughter in our home Cody has had to take up for that! She has had to make us laugh so much more than before. You'd be proud of your little sister! She misses you so much too.
We hope by the time you come home that we've adopted some kids. You always said you wanted more little siblings and Cody says you taught her everything she needs to know about being a big sister. Pray for us, Brooke. Ask Jesus to bring the right kids along for our family, the right siblings for you and Cody. I love you hunny.....we miss you so much! Sleep well, study hard in school.....take good care of yourself....We love getting your letters and pictures so write again when you get the chance.
Love,
Mom
I thought I would write this post to Brooke. So many posts are just ramblings but this one is for Brooke. I don't know if you'll ever read it....but it's here for you when you are able.
Today I was thinking so much about you. I think it means you must be thinking about me too, or at least I would like to believe that! I was going to close this blog and call it complete but I know it's not. This blog is an adoption story....a journey of adoption. It was meant to be yours but I think I can say it's become too big. It's become a story of our family. It started as a journey to you and I am hoping it will continue with your journey back to us. As we go along in life we're all growing and changing. You may be half a world away, but you're still so much a part of our family.....you're a daughter and a sister, a grand-daughter and a niece. Don't ever forget how much we love you! And it's not just me and Dad and Cody....it's everyone! 2 Sets of Grandparents, 5 Great Grand-parents, 20 Aunts and Uncles, 9 Cousins, and countless Great-Aunts and Great-Uncles and an extended network of more distant cousins! They are all here....loving you and waiting for your return one day.
Brooke, I don't know how I have survived this last year. God has provided my sanity because I had none of my own left! It was about a year ago that we first heard that Thailand wanted you returned to them. It was a confusing time and a heartbreaking year.......looking back over the last several months we've still been confused and brokenhearted! I would like to say we've moved on, and in a way we have, but it doesn't mean that we don't wish we could redo alot of things. We often think of ways we could have run away and taken you with us.....or gone to Thailand with you and begged them to let us keep you. At the time it was a difficult decision to make but the one we made protected us all. The decision we made separated us....and it hurt...but we knew one day we could be together again. There were just too many people against us, too many people in authority making decisions without even knowing us. Without even knowing you, without knowing or even caring what you wanted.
The world is still turning, and like i've said before, we're turning with it now. For a long time we felt stale, we felt so empty and dry inside. Without your laughter in our home Cody has had to take up for that! She has had to make us laugh so much more than before. You'd be proud of your little sister! She misses you so much too.
We hope by the time you come home that we've adopted some kids. You always said you wanted more little siblings and Cody says you taught her everything she needs to know about being a big sister. Pray for us, Brooke. Ask Jesus to bring the right kids along for our family, the right siblings for you and Cody. I love you hunny.....we miss you so much! Sleep well, study hard in school.....take good care of yourself....We love getting your letters and pictures so write again when you get the chance.
Love,
Mom
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