Yeah, Brooke is 18 now. Are we any closer to bringing her home? Not that I know of. Maybe someone knows something I don't. At this point, having our daughter back home would the Christmas present of a lifetime! We miss our girl so much. Her birthday came and went with no news as to if they will let her return now or not. We have sent emails and letters and lately a picture of us. We want them to see us as real people. Real people, a real family, missing a vital part of the puzzle. Missing a family member.
I guess Brooke is ok. We haven't heard much lately. It sure beats going months upon months and not hearing anything at all. That happened last year and nearly drove me nuts!
Brooke....where are you and what are you doing right this moment? Do you think of us? We miss you and we think of you every single day. Not a day goes by we don't think of you and wish you were back here with us. We know one day we'll be a whole family again....but my patience wears thin lately.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Sunday, July 05, 2009
Another Year Gone By
It was a pretty rough day today. Sunday, July 5th, 2009 marked 2 years since we last saw our daughter, Brooke. Naturally, all day long today I've thought of nothing else. I've thought of all the things I could've done differently. All the things I wanted to say to her. I count the months until she turns 18, wondering if they will let her come home then. Will they make her wait until she's 20? What will we need to do to get our child back? When will that day come?
She has asked when we will come visit her. We thought about when we should go but then we changed our minds about going. How much harder would it be to walk away from her when our time is up and we have to leave Thailand?! We would be walking away from our daughter, leaving her behind. And the grief and frustration and depression would begin again. But is it so much better to not see her at all? My emotions are torn. Tears have stayed pooled in my eyes since yesterday. If we go to visit Brooke, will they let us see her? Would they release her to come home to us? So many questions and no answers to any of them.
Another year has passed.
She has asked when we will come visit her. We thought about when we should go but then we changed our minds about going. How much harder would it be to walk away from her when our time is up and we have to leave Thailand?! We would be walking away from our daughter, leaving her behind. And the grief and frustration and depression would begin again. But is it so much better to not see her at all? My emotions are torn. Tears have stayed pooled in my eyes since yesterday. If we go to visit Brooke, will they let us see her? Would they release her to come home to us? So many questions and no answers to any of them.
Another year has passed.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
I Think I Lost something
Ever have that feeling? The feeling that you lost something? I did. I don't know what it is though. Today we had an interview scheduled with someone from the foster care system to talk about a child we had in our home last year. They apparently drew the child's name for a random audit of a local county and we just happened to be the foster family involved. At first I didn't know what it was they wanted but they wanted to talk about this wonderful kiddo we'd had in our home. We wanted to keep her. She was amazing and we fell completely in love with her. She fit well in our home and said she could get used to staying there. But, the county reunified her with her Mom. It broke our hearts but we moved on. Or so I thought. Guess I didn't move on as much as I thought I did.
During the interview they asked questions about the services we received from the county, who was in charge of transportation, how did I feel about the bio family, etc. It brought back alot of feelings I thought I had dealt with. At the end of the interview they asked if I had anything else to say. I was stunned for a moment but said "If she is back in foster care, we want her back!" They said they couldn't give any information away but would relay our request on to the worker who had the case. It doesn't mean we get this child back....it just means someone knows how strongly we felt about her.
I got off the phone and wandered around the house for a bit. I made lunch for our foster kids, washed some dishes, did some laundry. About 30 minutes later I realized how dumb it was to wash dishes....we have a dishwasher. But I just needed something to do. I need to take my mind off of it all!
We've been foster parents for 7 years now. We've had 26 kids. None of our foster kids have been available for adoption. We're at this point now where we're wondering "What next? What should we do now?" We feel like we've lost so much, so many children have come through our home. Some of them have had greater needs than others, a few we've wanted so badly to keep! Somehow we've moved on after they've gone, moved on to the next group, the next challenge, the next risk.
We went to a training a couple weeks ago. We all thought this particular training should've been part of our licensing 7 years ago. The training covered the court process and trauma. I think the most shocking realization was the part on vicarious trauma. Splash-back trauma. I think I'm carrying so much of that around! At this point though, I'm pretty sure it will always be a part of me. I don't want any more though. I can't take much more of the splash back from the kids we have through our home. They tell awful things that happened to them, looking at me to fix it all. The talk about the hurt they're going through, the loss they feel, the fear they experience. I take it all in, absorb it all, and spit back out love and affection, safety and a feeling of confidence to go on and face the world every day. While at the same time I feel all this loss and anger, grief and fear and pain and sorrow. On the outside it's a happy-shiny face but on the inside I am screaming! We are considering quitting foster care soon, so we can heal from all the grief and loss we've experienced second-hand from our foster children, and the grief and loss we still carry from our own first-hand experience.
We started out 7 years ago with the intent to adopt from the foster system. When that wasn't working we saw a child on a listing and we felt our hearts go out to her, beginning a life-long journey to adopt Brooke. We will probably have the longest-awaited adoption on record haha! After Brooke was gone we waited a while and then went back to fostering hoping this time around we would run across a group of kids who would become available for adoption. We're still waiting....although these days I am pretty impatient! I don't know how much longer I can wait. Life hasn't been what I thought it would be, it hasn't taken the turns I expected. Nearly every day my foster daughter shouts "That's not fair!" about something. I tell her "whoever said life IS fair?" Guess I need to practice what I preach.
I've been learning some things lately. We began inquiring into International programs, just considering maybe sometime in the future we could try again. A few of the social workers I have spoken to have said the foster system is so messed up we will never be able to adopt from the United States. One person said they tried for a long time and gave up. Another person said it was pointless to keep wasting time. Some friends of ours are trying to adopt a baby....they've been waiting for about a year already. At church we have the Mini Heart Gallery set up and alot of people have been looking at the kids available there. One lady said "I don't know why on earth people would want to adopt from a foreign country! Just look at these children right here in Colorado!" I didn't have the heart to laugh and say good luck trying to adopt from here! Instead I said "Is it a child's fault that he or she is born half a world away?" She lightly gasped and said "wow, I never thought of it that way. It isn't any of their fault at all that they are orphaned or in foster care." Right, it's not their fault. So why is social services punishing them, making them wait so long for a family? Some people we know of were adopting from foster care. They have had the children well over a year now. Suddenly, social services decided not to let the children be adopted. They're babies! This is the only family they have ever known! How do we fix such a broken system? Why does social services take children away, put them in a foster home, tell them they're going to find a family for them and then blow off every inquiry from families interested! It's crazy how many workers we call or email who never call us back, never bother to email. Another interesting thing I have noticed is how many times a worker will say "we've decided to go a different route with this child" and a year later the child is still waiting, still hoping for a permanent family. Someone told me a while back "America is the greatest country on earth!" I really want someone to prove that to me....and I want them to start with our next generation. The generation they are leaving in foster care, where every day they could be living with a Mom and a Dad and a Sister, but instead they are in foster care or a group home wondering if anyone thinks about them, if anyone feels they are worthy enough for a family.
Just my two cents. Sorry I went flying off the handle there for a bit! But while I was typing all that, I realized what I lost. It was a little piece of me. I lost a piece of me the day my daughter was born. She carries it with her every day and I don't think she even realizes it. I lost another piece when Brooke went away. And still yet another piece has gone with this child who left our home last year and went back to her bio parent....only to move farther away to another state. Every time a child leaves a piece of me is affected. I don't know how many pieces of me are left whole and how many are even ME anymore. I think maybe I am more someone else than myself now.
I want to end on a good note though. We have gone ahead and inquired about 3 kids. We had a list of about a dozen but have narrowed it down (2 children were already placed when we inquired, another one will be emancipating soon from her foster placement, and so on....). I can't say I have too many feelings about the wait right now. I have been burnt so many times, hurt too many times to name. I've felt lost and confused and angry, frustrated and crushed. I want to get excited about these kids we've inquired about but I am so afraid we will hear NO once again. So afraid they will tell us "We've decided to place this child with a local family in our state" or "This child is not yet ready to be adopted. We'll let you know when she is." But we're still trying. Still pushing! They are all girls, in 3 different states, 3 different ages. Beautiful smiles, challenging personalities/behaviors/needs. We feel like we can parent them! We feel up to the challenge if only we were given the chance.
After loosing so much, I have also gained alot of knowledge. Not real sure what to do with it all though! It makes me feel good that I can inspire others to want to adopt or foster. It is a great feeling to know I've helped other families onto the path of adoption. You know that saying "3 times a bridesmaid, never a bride" ? Well, I feel like that. I feel like I have been lucky enough to parent 26 kids, I really shouldn't ask for more out of life.
So, I wait and pray God wants to place more kids in our home. I just hope He wants to place them here permanently! My revolving door of foster care is starting to squeek!
During the interview they asked questions about the services we received from the county, who was in charge of transportation, how did I feel about the bio family, etc. It brought back alot of feelings I thought I had dealt with. At the end of the interview they asked if I had anything else to say. I was stunned for a moment but said "If she is back in foster care, we want her back!" They said they couldn't give any information away but would relay our request on to the worker who had the case. It doesn't mean we get this child back....it just means someone knows how strongly we felt about her.
I got off the phone and wandered around the house for a bit. I made lunch for our foster kids, washed some dishes, did some laundry. About 30 minutes later I realized how dumb it was to wash dishes....we have a dishwasher. But I just needed something to do. I need to take my mind off of it all!
We've been foster parents for 7 years now. We've had 26 kids. None of our foster kids have been available for adoption. We're at this point now where we're wondering "What next? What should we do now?" We feel like we've lost so much, so many children have come through our home. Some of them have had greater needs than others, a few we've wanted so badly to keep! Somehow we've moved on after they've gone, moved on to the next group, the next challenge, the next risk.
We went to a training a couple weeks ago. We all thought this particular training should've been part of our licensing 7 years ago. The training covered the court process and trauma. I think the most shocking realization was the part on vicarious trauma. Splash-back trauma. I think I'm carrying so much of that around! At this point though, I'm pretty sure it will always be a part of me. I don't want any more though. I can't take much more of the splash back from the kids we have through our home. They tell awful things that happened to them, looking at me to fix it all. The talk about the hurt they're going through, the loss they feel, the fear they experience. I take it all in, absorb it all, and spit back out love and affection, safety and a feeling of confidence to go on and face the world every day. While at the same time I feel all this loss and anger, grief and fear and pain and sorrow. On the outside it's a happy-shiny face but on the inside I am screaming! We are considering quitting foster care soon, so we can heal from all the grief and loss we've experienced second-hand from our foster children, and the grief and loss we still carry from our own first-hand experience.
We started out 7 years ago with the intent to adopt from the foster system. When that wasn't working we saw a child on a listing and we felt our hearts go out to her, beginning a life-long journey to adopt Brooke. We will probably have the longest-awaited adoption on record haha! After Brooke was gone we waited a while and then went back to fostering hoping this time around we would run across a group of kids who would become available for adoption. We're still waiting....although these days I am pretty impatient! I don't know how much longer I can wait. Life hasn't been what I thought it would be, it hasn't taken the turns I expected. Nearly every day my foster daughter shouts "That's not fair!" about something. I tell her "whoever said life IS fair?" Guess I need to practice what I preach.
I've been learning some things lately. We began inquiring into International programs, just considering maybe sometime in the future we could try again. A few of the social workers I have spoken to have said the foster system is so messed up we will never be able to adopt from the United States. One person said they tried for a long time and gave up. Another person said it was pointless to keep wasting time. Some friends of ours are trying to adopt a baby....they've been waiting for about a year already. At church we have the Mini Heart Gallery set up and alot of people have been looking at the kids available there. One lady said "I don't know why on earth people would want to adopt from a foreign country! Just look at these children right here in Colorado!" I didn't have the heart to laugh and say good luck trying to adopt from here! Instead I said "Is it a child's fault that he or she is born half a world away?" She lightly gasped and said "wow, I never thought of it that way. It isn't any of their fault at all that they are orphaned or in foster care." Right, it's not their fault. So why is social services punishing them, making them wait so long for a family? Some people we know of were adopting from foster care. They have had the children well over a year now. Suddenly, social services decided not to let the children be adopted. They're babies! This is the only family they have ever known! How do we fix such a broken system? Why does social services take children away, put them in a foster home, tell them they're going to find a family for them and then blow off every inquiry from families interested! It's crazy how many workers we call or email who never call us back, never bother to email. Another interesting thing I have noticed is how many times a worker will say "we've decided to go a different route with this child" and a year later the child is still waiting, still hoping for a permanent family. Someone told me a while back "America is the greatest country on earth!" I really want someone to prove that to me....and I want them to start with our next generation. The generation they are leaving in foster care, where every day they could be living with a Mom and a Dad and a Sister, but instead they are in foster care or a group home wondering if anyone thinks about them, if anyone feels they are worthy enough for a family.
Just my two cents. Sorry I went flying off the handle there for a bit! But while I was typing all that, I realized what I lost. It was a little piece of me. I lost a piece of me the day my daughter was born. She carries it with her every day and I don't think she even realizes it. I lost another piece when Brooke went away. And still yet another piece has gone with this child who left our home last year and went back to her bio parent....only to move farther away to another state. Every time a child leaves a piece of me is affected. I don't know how many pieces of me are left whole and how many are even ME anymore. I think maybe I am more someone else than myself now.
I want to end on a good note though. We have gone ahead and inquired about 3 kids. We had a list of about a dozen but have narrowed it down (2 children were already placed when we inquired, another one will be emancipating soon from her foster placement, and so on....). I can't say I have too many feelings about the wait right now. I have been burnt so many times, hurt too many times to name. I've felt lost and confused and angry, frustrated and crushed. I want to get excited about these kids we've inquired about but I am so afraid we will hear NO once again. So afraid they will tell us "We've decided to place this child with a local family in our state" or "This child is not yet ready to be adopted. We'll let you know when she is." But we're still trying. Still pushing! They are all girls, in 3 different states, 3 different ages. Beautiful smiles, challenging personalities/behaviors/needs. We feel like we can parent them! We feel up to the challenge if only we were given the chance.
After loosing so much, I have also gained alot of knowledge. Not real sure what to do with it all though! It makes me feel good that I can inspire others to want to adopt or foster. It is a great feeling to know I've helped other families onto the path of adoption. You know that saying "3 times a bridesmaid, never a bride" ? Well, I feel like that. I feel like I have been lucky enough to parent 26 kids, I really shouldn't ask for more out of life.
So, I wait and pray God wants to place more kids in our home. I just hope He wants to place them here permanently! My revolving door of foster care is starting to squeek!
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