When I was young, my Grandmother would brush my hair and exclaim "What have you been sleeping with? Your hair has so many knots and tangles! You must've slept with goblins and black cats and witches and stuff like that in your hair last night!" My Gramma has a southern accent so it sounded especially funny, and of course lots of giggling would follow while she brushed my ratty hair. Somehow it didn't hurt so bad then. A couple weeks ago I was brushing my eight year old daughter's hair and it was so knotted I was desperately trying not to hurt her. We play this little game where I say "owww!" instead of her saying it everytime I hit a snag. I was exclaiming "ow" "ow" nearly every stoke of the hairbrush and she was giggling and then I asked what on earth she'd been sleeping with. She calmly said "Oh, bats and goblins and pumpkins and stuff.....and robots." I was quiet a moment and said "Hmmm, robots, huh?" She'd had this thing for Robots for quite a while and at some point had even called her Uncle and informed him that he'd be driving across the state to visit us and help her make a robot and he'd need to bring the appropriate materials and tools for it. Anyway, aside from that, she said "yes, robots in my hair....and Chinese people." I'm sure the hairbrush paused a moment until I gathered my thoughts and continued. "Uhhh Chinese people?" I was dying to know where this had come from. "Why are there Chinese people in your hair?" And then my 8 year old said "Silly Mom! The Chinese people are building the robots!" I died laughing then and of course she never cracked a smile. But I knew she was laughing too. And of course I began thinking of funny things all of my children have done and said. I've been a foster parent for years and have parented 10 children. One of my foster daughters always did this stupid little rap dance that would have me laughing so hard! She would hike up one pant leg and put a ball cap on sideways, and then begin this little slo-mo spin while singing something stupid. Ahhh.....Funny stuff! And Brooke learned to tell jokes and tease everyone. Sometimes she would pretend something horrible had happened and then when I would come to see what was wrong she would laugh and slap her knee! She was getting better and better at joking and I loved knowing I was a part of it all. Apparently, we enjoy laughter in our home.
Laughter has come hard this year. I've learned to appreciate it and covet it. When one of us laughs these days, we all look at each other and join in. At first, after Brooke was gone, when one of us would laugh, it would be short-lived and shallow. It was almost as if we had signed this contract to laugh at certain times or about certain things but it was all hollow and fake. Slowly, I realized that I needed to laugh and smile. A part of me was missing but a huge part of me was still alive and very much needed to heal. And there was Cody.....she needed so much to see me smile and hear me laugh and act silly again. She began doing funny and silly things just to get me to laugh at her. And I did. Usually I went to my room later and cried, but for a moment I could laugh and feel free from this enormous burden. And then I laughed and it felt real. And then I felt myself smiling and I knew it was real. And I had purpose and resolution.
We think of Brooke every day. We'll never forget her! She's our daughter and always will be a part of our family. This year we'll sign her name on Christmas cards right along beside our names. She'll not have gifts under our tree since we'll be mailing them to her instead. We sent her a birthday package that was difficult to put together. When I gave it to the lady at the post office I proudly announced that it was a birthday gift for my daughter who was away in a foreign country. She took the gift from my hand, noticing how I hesitated to give it to her. It was in that moment that I said a prayer and wrapped the gift in invisible love. No, not invisible.....
So, we're moving on. One step at a time. There have been so many people involved in our healing. All of those friends and family members who have emailed to express their sympathy and love, I can't thank you enough for being behind us all the way. Things are changing in our lives and it's all for good. Back in September/October we started a foster/adoption ministry that's in its infancy but growing quickly. Already, 10 or 11 families have expressed interest in fostering or adopting! One day I'll be able to sit down with Brooke and tell her about all the wonderful things that happened in people's lives all because of her bravery and self-sacrifice!
We're moving forward. We've begun looking at available children. We haven't inquired about any yet but we know there are needy children out there waiting for a family. We hope they like to laugh.....we hope they'll enjoy the outdoors and our many critters. We hope they'll love having a big sister......Brooke always wanted more siblings. And Cody says Brooke taught her everything she needs to know about being a big sister.
The world is still turning, but now we're turning with it. Some days I still struggle with the burden of being "the worst Mom on the planet" but Cody helps me feel pretty awesome. About two weeks ago I walked into the kitchen and she surprised me by saying "Mom, you're the best Mom I have ever heard of! And believe me, I've heard of ALOT of Moms. You make me feel special and you're always there for me. I love you, Mom".
