One year ago today I saw my daughter's face for the last time. By this time a year ago, she was well on her way across the Pacific Ocean heading toward Tokyo and ultimately Thailand. And I was heading back home with Tommy and Cody. We drove away from the airport angry and depressed, sad and confused, and suddenly Cody said "Mom! Wait! Stop, Dad! We forgot Brooke!" We explained it all over again to her, making an attempt to keep from crying while we reminded her that Brooke was going back to Thailand and we were going back home to try to patch our lives back together. Cody began crying and saying "No, she's my sister forever! We have to go back and get her. You told me she was going to stay, Mom! She's not a foster kid, she's my sister!" I had no words for that. I had lied. I had lied to everyone, telling them all that we were adopting Brooke, telling my family they had a new cousin, niece, granddaughter etc.....Telling Cody that Brooke was here forever.
I remind Cody often that Brooke is still her sister. They miss each other so much. We remind each other every day that Brooke is still a member of our family. When I talk to people about our family I tell them I have 2 daughters. Most people don't ask where my other daughter is, but every once in a while someone will say "and where is your oldest daughter?" I tell them she's studying in Thailand, or she lives in a foreign country. It doesn't make me feel any better but it keeps people from asking too many questions, ending in a lengthy story about the hows and whys of Brooke returning to Thailand. Anymore, I don't care to talk about it. I just want people to recognize we are a family of 4, I have 2 daughters, once is 16 and one is 8.
Last weekend, while visiting family in another state, I handed a lady a foster care pin and she asked something about fostering and adoption. When I began talking about fostering, I naturally began talking about adoption. We still want to adopt, we're still searching.....still waiting. As always, Brooke came up in the conversation. I began talking about her and the ladies asked why she had to return because they distantly remembered my family talking about a child who had to return to her native country. I briefly touched on the situation, not wanting to get into too much detail. Then they asked if we were able to contact her. I told them we were expected to maintain contact and we have been, as well as becoming anxious for the day Brooke will turn 18 and can return to us. When I looked up at their faces they were crying. I could no longer hold my own tears back, but at least I remained composed. Unlike other times when I have completely fallen apart.
During my visit with family, we were often introduced to quite a few people in one day. When someone would ask "Is this your only child?" my family would quickly reply "Yes" before I could form my own answer. After a few days of feeling reduced in spirit, I began to interrupt after the answer was already given, replying that I have another daughter by guardianship and she lives in another country right now, but that I have parented 17 children in 6 years. Often, those words would lead to me being able to speak about foster care and adoption and my heart would soar! I felt a sense of protection over all of those children seeking permanent situations, a sense of defense for all of those defenseless children all over the world. And a sense of taking charge for all of those families who want to adopt, all of those Mothers and Fathers whose relatives are against adoption.
My side of the family has been in denial about Brooke since the first day we told them we were adopting her. They told us we should adopt from America. They told us we had no business adopting or even doing foster care for that matter. I think they tolerate us doing foster care but when it comes to making it permanent they balk and become angry. We've been talked about many times, often when they think we have no idea they are talking about us. It's constantly negative and disturbing. They refuse to recognize Brooke, but she will always be a part of us. She has blazed the path for other children coming into our home in the future. Brooke is our hero! She will be a hero to all of our children! All of our foster children, since Brooke has been gone, know about her and think she sounds like a very fun sister. Many of them have wished they could meet her. She's a great kid, funny, smart, silly, interesting, but most of all she's ours.
God knows what He's doing. He has us doing foster care for a reason. Brooke came to us for a short time for a reason. We have learned so many lessons and had so many challenges since we first began the journey to Brooke in 2004. It's not over yet....we are still journeying to her. Every day brings us one day closer to bringing her home. The advantage we have over others adopting from foreign countries is that we know what day our daughter ages out of the system and when we can be there to bring her home!
Yesterday, I was talking to another foster parent about Brooke. We have found some children we are interested in adopting but they are in another state and our agency wants us to look in our state only. I was telling her how excited Brooke will be to come home to more siblings. Brooke had told us before she left that she wanted sisters. She said "Mom, baby girl, no boys!" I laughed and said no babies! haha! She would be happy no matter what. What a beautiful spirit my daughter has! Both of my girls have these beautiful, exciting spirits that pull mine to the surface and they help my personal sun shine bright every day that I think of them. I love my girls so much!
So, it's been a year. A year today. I know I will see her again, I just wish it was sooner rather than later! Last year started out rocky and ended on a sad and lonely note. This year started out hopeful. We are dying to go see Brooke, but ticket prices to fly there are so crazy right now, there is just no way we can do it. We're hoping by the end of the year to be holding our daughters in our arms and celebrating our little family, if only for a little while. Cody can't wait to see her big sister, and I can't wait to watch them together. Brooke, we miss you, hunny! And we love you so much!
