Ya know that feeling when you're under pressure but you can't figure out where you need to start to get things moving? Yeah.
I feel my age creeping up on me. Not in the sense that one would normally think. I don't FEEL old. But the adoption world thinks I'm getting old. In a few years it will be a fight if we want to adopt. I never thought I'd be in this posotion. Simply because my age will tell them I'm no longer fit to parent and must only be allowed to adopt older or damaged children from the US foster system.
I went through my 20's certain I wanted 7 kids. I don't know why I picked that number. We've had over 55 children through our home. But..... I have only been allowed to keep 2 of them. Most days I feel quite broken hearted over that.Where did the time go? Did I waste it somehow? We have made so many inquiries on waiting kids.....some of the kids are still waiting. But we're still waiting too. We have 3 empty beds! So why aren't they full? We have such a broken system. It's easier on my brain to think the system is more broken than I am.
I usually see breaks between placements as a time for me to heal. But this time I have had plenty of time to feel quite useless. I should've been working on adoption fundraisers but I just can't put my finger on where I should start. Somewhere in the back of my mind I already know where to start but getting there is a completely different story!
So instead I've worked on my career. I have found peace and creativity in my work, but with my very being I know I can juggle work and adoption, creating more than a career. Creating a permanent home to a couple boys who desperately need a mom and a dad, and two sisters who don't realize how much fun it would be to have brothers. I keep feeling they're out there somewhere. I have this guilt that they're waiting for me, waiting for us, to get enough of our finances together to bring them home. And yet I have so many distractions, so many things get in the way, demanding my time and attention and money. I'm glad in a way, for the distractions. I once made the mistake of searching for a child on a waiting child listing. Naturally, I found one :)
I hope this Summer will bring time and money to our lives. Not for any other reason than 2 little boys waiting to come home.......
