well, here I am again. It's nearly midnight and I can't sleep. Why should I anyway? I can sleep when i'm dead. I was just telling my sister that one day I want a happy blog. I want a blog that makes people cry because it's just so funny!
We have received an overwhelming response of people wanting to help, wanting to encourage, wanting to inspire! It's amazing to see God's love abounding in people we have never met face to face. Our story is meant to make people more aware. Be aware that a sending country can take your child away from you if you haven't finalized in-country first. I keep telling myself that if we only knew.....if we only knew that this could happen. If we only knew that being Guardians instead of being finalized could make such a huge difference we would never have done this.....would never have chosen that country. But we all know that isn't the way of it. We never chose the country. We saw a little girl who needed us.
Let me back up a bit and recap. We were foster parents looking for children available for adoption. God told us years ago to adopt and we finally got around to it. We weren't in a hurry but Cody wanted a sister. As foster parents we only took older kids. They asked us one time why we didn't take babies or toddlers. I said "How many foster families do you have that will take babies and toddlers?" They said A Lot!!! And I said exactly my point. Who will take the older kids? There's an obvious need here....and we can help meet that need.
When we saw Brooke on a waiting child listing she was 9 years old. Perfect! We thought. She hadn't had anyone express interest or request her profile in years. Litterally years! We were excited! Here was a kid who needed us, just as much as we needed another daughter. Cody was thrilled too. She would have a sister. Then we received her profile. By the time we got it and realized it hadn't been updated in a very long time....our soon-to-be daughter was all of a sudden 12 years old. But it was too late.....we were taken w/ her. She needed a family, someone to love and care for her. And we wanted to build our family. And we wanted to add her to it. We were adopting a 12 year old! No problem ,we thought.....we have had kids ranging in age from 5 to 16 in our home in the last 4 years. We enjoyed the 9-12 year range.....we can handle an older kid. Sure, she has Cerebral Palsy but it seems minor and we can teach her to live as an independent and successful adult. It will be a long road and she's sure to be here longer than Cody but that's ok. We will do our best and make sure she knows she's wanted and needed and we're her family forever. We thought love could fix everything. Well.....we've learned love isn't always enough.
When Brooke's 14th birthday rolled around I wanted to scream. I couldn't be there for her! But next year....next year we would celebrate for all the birthdays we missed. And when she turns 16 we could celebrate again. Maybe Dad would teach her to drive, and I could take her shopping and take her to have her hair and makeup done by a professional. You know, all the things girls love to do. And then we received the call to travel. We were bringing home a 14 year old girl w/ CP and delays but we were going to be parents again! And Cody would finally have the sister she has always dreamed of.
Brooke turned 15 about a month and a half after we got home. She picked her own birthday cake and you could tell she didn't believe it was really happening to her. She wrote me a letter (by way of her school translator). It said something like
Thank you, Mom for the birthday cake. Thank you Mom and Dad and Cody for the presents. I have never had a birthday cake or presents before ever in my life. Thank you for everything you have done for me. I love you.
And here I am....burning the midnight oil. I'm finally tired. Lately, I must exhaust myself before falling into a dreamless state. And tomorrow is another day.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Sunday, June 24, 2007
No Regrets
We received the phone call. You know the one......kinda like the call you receive in the middle of the night and you roll over and answer it knowing it won't be good news. Our agency rep left a message telling me the news was not good. She said Thailand had sent the dreaded letter and she had emailed it to us. I went right away to check it thinking something like "Well we've already heard the worst.....they already want to take our daughter away from us. What's next? Surely it can't be that bad!"
It was.
It was a huge shock. I just sat staring for a while thinking I must be reading it wrong. They want us to come to Seattle and leave Brooke in the care of WACAP? They're flying back to Thailand on the 5th??? No....no....this can't be happening. We need more time! We haven't had enough time! I was planning to take Brooke school shopping at the end of July. I thought it would be fun to buy her some new clothes and some fun school supplies. There were so many more things we had planned. We were hoping to go visit my sister and my grandparents this year so Brooke could meet some more relatives on my side of the family. We had so many plans! They were all plans designed for our family of 4.
When we heard the news we looked at the date right away. By the time we were notified we had less than 2 weeks to spend with our daughter. Now we're down to 9 days. I am still in disbelief! 9 days to do and say everything we've ever wanted to do as a family, everything we've ever wanted to say to her. What would you say if you had only 9 days left to spend with your family? If someone were tearing you away ....what would you say and what would you do? We've just been spending time together. I have to work tomorrow and I hate it. I will be gone all day.... gone from my daughter all day long knowing that it's one more day I could spend getting to know her! Laughing with her and teaching her English! Listening to her jokes and hearing her talk about how sad she is and that she doesn't want to go. She keeps asking me if Thailand called and then she says she wants to talk to them on the phone. When we tell her we are going to take her to the worker in Seattle she groans and says "Noooo....sad, mom! Brooke sad!" I told her that we have taught her to have her own voice and she needs to use it! I told her she can tell them how much she loves us and how much fun she had in our home! But I told her they will take her, and she will need to tell them when she's hungry and thirsty and tired and when she needs to use the bathroom. I told her to talk to them and let them know how smart she is! I told her to show them how she can write English and that she's learning to read and she's just so smart!!! And I told her when she gets back to her foster home to give her foster mother a hug....because that's what Americans do....we hug each other to let each other know how we feel. I told her she can teach her foster mother English now and how to write the alphabet. And I told her to tell her foster mother that I said "Thank You for letting me have Brooke for such a short amount of time". I loved every moment of it.....And I would do it again a thousand times over.
It was.
It was a huge shock. I just sat staring for a while thinking I must be reading it wrong. They want us to come to Seattle and leave Brooke in the care of WACAP? They're flying back to Thailand on the 5th??? No....no....this can't be happening. We need more time! We haven't had enough time! I was planning to take Brooke school shopping at the end of July. I thought it would be fun to buy her some new clothes and some fun school supplies. There were so many more things we had planned. We were hoping to go visit my sister and my grandparents this year so Brooke could meet some more relatives on my side of the family. We had so many plans! They were all plans designed for our family of 4.
When we heard the news we looked at the date right away. By the time we were notified we had less than 2 weeks to spend with our daughter. Now we're down to 9 days. I am still in disbelief! 9 days to do and say everything we've ever wanted to do as a family, everything we've ever wanted to say to her. What would you say if you had only 9 days left to spend with your family? If someone were tearing you away ....what would you say and what would you do? We've just been spending time together. I have to work tomorrow and I hate it. I will be gone all day.... gone from my daughter all day long knowing that it's one more day I could spend getting to know her! Laughing with her and teaching her English! Listening to her jokes and hearing her talk about how sad she is and that she doesn't want to go. She keeps asking me if Thailand called and then she says she wants to talk to them on the phone. When we tell her we are going to take her to the worker in Seattle she groans and says "Noooo....sad, mom! Brooke sad!" I told her that we have taught her to have her own voice and she needs to use it! I told her she can tell them how much she loves us and how much fun she had in our home! But I told her they will take her, and she will need to tell them when she's hungry and thirsty and tired and when she needs to use the bathroom. I told her to talk to them and let them know how smart she is! I told her to show them how she can write English and that she's learning to read and she's just so smart!!! And I told her when she gets back to her foster home to give her foster mother a hug....because that's what Americans do....we hug each other to let each other know how we feel. I told her she can teach her foster mother English now and how to write the alphabet. And I told her to tell her foster mother that I said "Thank You for letting me have Brooke for such a short amount of time". I loved every moment of it.....And I would do it again a thousand times over.
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Mom Cry Big?
"Mom, you cry big? Brooke school, mom home cry big?" That's what Brooke says to me every day now. We told her last week what we've been attempting to stop since February. We told her that Thailand wants us to send her back. We told her we wanted her to stay and asked what she wanted. She said she didn't want to go. She said we were her family and she wanted to stay.
Thailand is still insisting we send her back. We have begged for help from so many resources, so many political groups, so many agencies and other adoptive families. Does it ever end? Does the heartache and pain ever end? The tears have ended (most of the time now) but the ache in my heart is still there. The anger is there, the frustration, the irritation, the sorrow. I think I am just growing used to this kind of life. The turmoil and endless dread that fills my days and nights.
We used a family friend as a translator last week and told Brooke what was happening. When our friend spoke Thai to her, Brooke would answer back in English. It was funny in a way but sad too. I know she isn't loosing her native language but she is trying to develop the one that is most essential to her at the moment. During the dreaded conversation we said "Brooke, do you remember back in February and March when Mom and Dad cried all the time?" She said yes. And then we told her what was happening. I sat and watched her responses and my heart was just falling apart. She went from laughing and smiling to shock and disbelief. Then the tears came. I was there holding her and reassuring her, but reassuring what? That I was a temporary mom? That I wasn't real? That I was her mom for the blink of an eye in her lifetime?
She understands what's going on. She often asks what I did every day for 4 months while she was in school. If I don't answer correctly she says "Mom you cry big? Brooke school, Mom home cry big?" She knows that every morning when she was heading off to school I was watching her bus leave with tears in my eyes. And then I cried big. And long and hard for the daughter I want so badly to keep forever.
Two days later we were driving down the road and suddenly Brooke shouted "MOM!" Naturally, I jumped nearly out of my skin but I have learned that when she shouts she has something important to say. I paid close attention to her next words "Mom, Brooke no go back Thailand. No go back, K?" I was silent for a moment and then mumbled something back that sounded like there were too many people involved who were making all the decisions and we had no say. Again, she announced "Brooke, no back Thailand. No back. Mom, Dad, Brooke, Cody, stay. Brooke no back." Then she laughed and started spelling out words she saw on signs along the road. I retreated inside my silent shell and prayed for her safety regardless of what happened.
Last night Brooke said something about boys and girls with no Moms and Dads. I reminded her that she has a Mom and Dad. She jabbed her finger into her chest a dozen times and said "Brooke happy! Mom Dad Sister! Brooke happy! Family!" And for her, that's where it ends. For Brooke, she is safe and happy and content and has no worries beyond what sort of weather she will wake to in the morning.
Thailand is still insisting we send her back. We have begged for help from so many resources, so many political groups, so many agencies and other adoptive families. Does it ever end? Does the heartache and pain ever end? The tears have ended (most of the time now) but the ache in my heart is still there. The anger is there, the frustration, the irritation, the sorrow. I think I am just growing used to this kind of life. The turmoil and endless dread that fills my days and nights.
We used a family friend as a translator last week and told Brooke what was happening. When our friend spoke Thai to her, Brooke would answer back in English. It was funny in a way but sad too. I know she isn't loosing her native language but she is trying to develop the one that is most essential to her at the moment. During the dreaded conversation we said "Brooke, do you remember back in February and March when Mom and Dad cried all the time?" She said yes. And then we told her what was happening. I sat and watched her responses and my heart was just falling apart. She went from laughing and smiling to shock and disbelief. Then the tears came. I was there holding her and reassuring her, but reassuring what? That I was a temporary mom? That I wasn't real? That I was her mom for the blink of an eye in her lifetime?
She understands what's going on. She often asks what I did every day for 4 months while she was in school. If I don't answer correctly she says "Mom you cry big? Brooke school, Mom home cry big?" She knows that every morning when she was heading off to school I was watching her bus leave with tears in my eyes. And then I cried big. And long and hard for the daughter I want so badly to keep forever.
Two days later we were driving down the road and suddenly Brooke shouted "MOM!" Naturally, I jumped nearly out of my skin but I have learned that when she shouts she has something important to say. I paid close attention to her next words "Mom, Brooke no go back Thailand. No go back, K?" I was silent for a moment and then mumbled something back that sounded like there were too many people involved who were making all the decisions and we had no say. Again, she announced "Brooke, no back Thailand. No back. Mom, Dad, Brooke, Cody, stay. Brooke no back." Then she laughed and started spelling out words she saw on signs along the road. I retreated inside my silent shell and prayed for her safety regardless of what happened.
Last night Brooke said something about boys and girls with no Moms and Dads. I reminded her that she has a Mom and Dad. She jabbed her finger into her chest a dozen times and said "Brooke happy! Mom Dad Sister! Brooke happy! Family!" And for her, that's where it ends. For Brooke, she is safe and happy and content and has no worries beyond what sort of weather she will wake to in the morning.
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