Mom Cry Big?

"Mom, you cry big? Brooke school, mom home cry big?" That's what Brooke says to me every day now. We told her last week what we've been attempting to stop since February. We told her that Thailand wants us to send her back. We told her we wanted her to stay and asked what she wanted. She said she didn't want to go. She said we were her family and she wanted to stay.

Thailand is still insisting we send her back. We have begged for help from so many resources, so many political groups, so many agencies and other adoptive families. Does it ever end? Does the heartache and pain ever end? The tears have ended (most of the time now) but the ache in my heart is still there. The anger is there, the frustration, the irritation, the sorrow. I think I am just growing used to this kind of life. The turmoil and endless dread that fills my days and nights.

We used a family friend as a translator last week and told Brooke what was happening. When our friend spoke Thai to her, Brooke would answer back in English. It was funny in a way but sad too. I know she isn't loosing her native language but she is trying to develop the one that is most essential to her at the moment. During the dreaded conversation we said "Brooke, do you remember back in February and March when Mom and Dad cried all the time?" She said yes. And then we told her what was happening. I sat and watched her responses and my heart was just falling apart. She went from laughing and smiling to shock and disbelief. Then the tears came. I was there holding her and reassuring her, but reassuring what? That I was a temporary mom? That I wasn't real? That I was her mom for the blink of an eye in her lifetime?

She understands what's going on. She often asks what I did every day for 4 months while she was in school. If I don't answer correctly she says "Mom you cry big? Brooke school, Mom home cry big?" She knows that every morning when she was heading off to school I was watching her bus leave with tears in my eyes. And then I cried big. And long and hard for the daughter I want so badly to keep forever.

Two days later we were driving down the road and suddenly Brooke shouted "MOM!" Naturally, I jumped nearly out of my skin but I have learned that when she shouts she has something important to say. I paid close attention to her next words "Mom, Brooke no go back Thailand. No go back, K?" I was silent for a moment and then mumbled something back that sounded like there were too many people involved who were making all the decisions and we had no say. Again, she announced "Brooke, no back Thailand. No back. Mom, Dad, Brooke, Cody, stay. Brooke no back." Then she laughed and started spelling out words she saw on signs along the road. I retreated inside my silent shell and prayed for her safety regardless of what happened.

Last night Brooke said something about boys and girls with no Moms and Dads. I reminded her that she has a Mom and Dad. She jabbed her finger into her chest a dozen times and said "Brooke happy! Mom Dad Sister! Brooke happy! Family!" And for her, that's where it ends. For Brooke, she is safe and happy and content and has no worries beyond what sort of weather she will wake to in the morning.