We decided not to tell Brooke yet. We didn't know how long this would go on and didn't want her feeling the loss and heartache we faced every day. We wanted to save her sanity and make sure her days were filled w/ hope and love. She knew a little instability when she saw me sobbing uncontrollably but she makes herself believe everything will be ok. I mean, she asks us every day if we are happy or sad. And when we answer that we're happy she says "Good!" and goes on w/ life. Why would we drag her into the feelings of hopeless despair? There will come a day when we will be forced to, but for now we are content to let her believe in forever.
When I pray I ask God's will w/ a side note of something like "But, PLEASE let us keep our child!!!" I pray w/ tears and w/out but the prayers w/out tears are generally because I am already so dehydrated and empty of spirit that I have nothing left but outright begging. A nice lady at church mentioned to me a couple Sundays ago that people pray for you because you have nothing left. You are drained and empty and may not have the right words coming out. She is a prayer warrior! And she is praying for us! My Jesus is walking beside me sometimes but most of the time He is walking in front of me, hand outstretched and leading me through the darkness. Lately, I have begged for a light to shine through so that I may have the smallest amount of hope. All of the other times I am too exhausted to go on, and He's there. Lifting me and carrying me. When I have no more reason, no more hope, and can only fear and despair, He's there in the smile on my daughters' faces.
When we finished our last post placement report we should have been excited. We should have celebrated and posted here to tell everyone! Instead, we trudged on like we do every other day. I have been afraid to post Brooke's accomplishments and triumphs out of fear. I see everyone else talk about their adoption or their child's gains and growth but I have been afraid to tell everyone about Brooke. I have feared everyone....I silently beg everyone around me to please not take my daughter away. I have feared you all. I have been afraid that she could be snatched away at any moment. One day, shortly after WACAP told us that Brooke was to be returned, I was watching out the window waiting for Brooke's bus. 5 minutes went by. 10 minutes, then 15. 20 minutes and no bus. My heart stopped beating and began pounding in my ears. My stomach tightened and I began to weep. After 30 minutes I called the school. The receptionist said "Oh, yes, Brooke is here. She missed her bus. Are you coming to get her soon?" Talk about taking 10 years off your life!!!! I nearly lost it w/ the lady but forced myself to calmly say "yes, I will be there soon." Upon hanging up the phone I broke into hiccupping sobs and fell to my knees. I thanked God that she was still here and told Him as soon as I could stand on my own 2 feet w/out collapsing I would drive to pick her up.
We've begun teaching Brooke life skills. I was planning on waiting a bit and introducing one thing at a time but now we feel forced into pushing all of these things on her at once. She must learn as must English as possible. She must learn as many skills as possible. If she must return, she must know how to protect herself and take care of herself. Brooke is 15. She will be 16 this year. Everyone knows you can't be adopted at that age. Everyone knows you are a lost one. She will not have another chance at a family. We're it. We're her family. The last chance she had to be a part of a family. At 15-16 you must begin to think of a future on your own....a future alone. You can't go to school because you never learned to read and write. No family, few friends, no home, no money, no job. No Mom to tuck you in at night. No Dad to help you learn to live on your own. No sister to laugh w/. No Grandparents to call. No confidence. No security. No family.
Brooke has been in 5 times in the last 30 minutes wanting me to come outside w/ her. I think we'll hang a basketball hoop over the garage. Brooke loves Basketball. I'll make a scrapbook of her too. Dad will buy her a bike. Her sister will draw her a picture of a heart. We'll enroll her in a Summer-school program. And I'll go on pretending forever for however long I have to, just to make her world a secure place. Just to make her world a place where she knows she's loved and needed. Even if it's only for a little while. Even if we only pretend it's forever.
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