We tried to appeal but WACAP said they didn't know how. They said this has never happened before and they weren't sure of the process. We found an attorney who referred us to a specialist on immigration. They were unwilling to take our case because of a recent law suit involving some girls who were molested/murdered etc. Then, through a very special friend ( you know how much you mean to me, girl! ) we located an attorney in Thailand. He was extremely expensive and wanted the money w/in days. He would only write the appeal and wouldn't guarantee any further work. We couldn't come up w/ the money in time and failed to meet our appeal deadline and our hearts crumbled.
Fast forward to Monday the 14th of May. We headed to the art show at Brooke's school and got there in time for someone to attempt to snatch her into the gym. Apparently, she was up for an award we were unaware of! They quickly stuck her in line and I nearly cried when they announced her name. She had won 2 awards! My daughter of 7 months had just won 2 awards! We were so proud of her! We continued on after the awards ceremony to see her artwork showcased on the halls of the school. Our kids just keep giving us the awesome reasons to go on living and smiling in spite of the world around us. And of course they don't let us forget it. For an entire week we would be driving down the road and suddenly Brooke would shout out her name and the awards she won!
The next day would bring disaster again. The WACAP worker called to say Thailand had sent another letter asking the date of Brooke's return. My heart caved in. How much more of this could I take? How many more times can I go through feeling joy and hope, even laughing every once in a while, only to be down-trodden the very next moment. How many more days must I suffer through feelings of dispair and continue on as if I am a robot, wake up, make breakfast, get ready for work, watch Brooke get on the bus, take Cody to school, go to work, smile politely, tell everyone I am feeling fine, go home and choke down some lunch into my churning stomach, wait for Brooke to get off the bus and smile brightly and tell me about her day, pick Cody up from school, make dinner, tuck the kids in bed, and lay down to rest my broken body and mind....no sleep for me unless it's some form of passing out from complete emotional exhaustion.....all the while pretending forever.
Brooke doesn't know. She doesn't know what's happening although she suspects something horrible. Since that day in February when she caught me crying (I was hiding so I wouldn't scare her w/ the torrent of tears, and when she saw me she was mortified! How on earth could her happy, silly Mom be crying????) she has asked if I am happy. I answer "Yes! How could I not be? I have one more day w/ you!" and she smiles and goes on to ask Dad if he is happy. Every single day. Cody used to ask if Brooke was here to stay forever. I would answer yes. She wouldn't believe me so she would ask again and add "she's not a foster kid right? She's my sister forever right? She's never leaving?" and I would push her fears aside and assure her Brooke was here to stay and she would always be her sister. She stopped asking around the end of January. It's a good thing too. I don't think I could lie to her now and tell her that her sister was here to stay. Why haven't we told Brooke? We considered it. We asked a very dear friend to translate for us (a difficult thing to ask....why on earth would someone want to be the bearer of bad news?). Our friend said she would. She said she would because she wanted our feelings portrayed w/ love and emotion so that Brooke would know our true feelings and the truth of the situation. We changed our minds after a weekend of trying to convince ourselves to do it. We were all set to tell her when something would come up, or a feeling would wash over us telling us not to. Now, for those of you who do not like to read about God, you may stop here. For those of you who are prayers, Christians, etc....read on.
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