By the end of February we had received a phone call from WACAP. It seemed Thailand was telling us to return our daughter. How could that be? I must be mistaken. No....it's real. And it hurts so bad. Turns out, someone thinks we're unfit parents. After all we have been through, the two years of waiting, the endless tears of joy along the way, the nights of worry and sleeplessness, and the celebration of bringing home our long awaited child. Our daughter finally had a sister, we finally had another child, and our parents were Grandparents again. But it's all been make-believe. Someone made up an adoption journey game and in the end you don't get the prize. You don't even win. You get to go on living and that isn't a reward at all. It's misery and pain, hopelessness and fear. I don't want to be part of the game anymore, I just want to keep my daughters. I just want to stay a family of 4.
Did I tell you I lost two babies before? Yeah, I was an adult, thought everything was going my way until I had a miscarriage a few months into the pregnancy. A year later saw me at the breaking point, suffering through another baby lost. When we finally had our bio daughter I knew I would be ok, but I knew we could never go through that again. There are so many kids out there! There are so many kids who need a great home, a loving family, a safe place to grow. Did I tell you how Brooke filled a hole in my heart? Did I tell you how big it was? Our bio daughter, Cody, is an awesome kid. She's funny and smart and we love her so much. But there were holes there where my babies were missing. Brooke helped to fill a hole. She is one of my babies. She was meant to be a part of me, regardless of how she came to us. We are attached and bonded as if she has always been here. We couldn't imagine our lives w/out her.
We were told we could appeal w/in 30 days. We were still grieving and feeling such a huge loss over the words the WACAP worker had spoken. We were to take our daughter back. We were to return her to the country she didn't want to go back to. Yeah, we asked her if she wanted to go back. She said Noooooo and shook her head quite adamantly. We have asked her often since we brought her home and in the first month she would have said yes. By Christmas, she had changed her mind and bonded to us. If we asked her now, she would say no. If we asked her if she would like to go if we all went she would say "4 go? Mom, Dad, Me, Cody? Ok.....visit. Then home."
Did I tell you she loves to give and receive hugs? It was a huge step for her but the first time was a huge breaking point for our attachment. She was crying in her room, sitting on the floor. I went in and asked if I could sit w/ her. She had no idea at that time what I wanted but I sat anyway. We stayed that way for a long time, sitting together and thinking. I reached over and put my arm around her and she began to lean toward me a little. You could tell she hadn't been hugged before, at least for a very long time. Suddenly she sat up on her knees and grabbed me. I held on and didn't let go. The tears began to fall and I told her in Thai that I loved her. I told her what a good girl she was and how happy I was to have her for a daughter. After that, she seemed content to be in our home, in our family. At bedtimes, since the girls shared a room, I would stand in the middle of the floor and read a book to them, showing the illustrations and hearing them giggle. Then I would go to each girl and kiss my hand and plant it on her forehead. My way of showing how much I care about their privacy and security. Snickers and giggles would proceed a quick "Mom, I....Love You!" from Brooke. Then both girls would giggle and repeat it over and over until I was out of sight. Now, before Brooke goes to bed, she stands in the middle of the floor until I come in her room, wraps her arms around my waist and squeezes while telling me she loves me. I tuck her in bed and head out. I know in my heart, there are two safe, secure, happy girls in my home. But I go to bed feeling lost and depressed. For I am feeling as if I am pretending forever.
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