So there I was. Bawling like a baby in her studio, wishing I was well rested and not emotional, but I was at least thrilled to be there! It was a beautiful studio and I had prayed hard for a place just like this one.
After I decided to do a painting fundraiser and a cooking fundraiser, I put the word out looking for a location for each class. It wasn't long and a friend suggested a professional artist nearby. I contacted her, she seemed thrilled to help, and we set up a time to meet. I held it together pretty well until we started talking about Brooke. My heart crumbled and when the first tear fell I just couldn't hold it all back. After a while we were able to talk quite a bit about how many people the studio would hold, she wanted to advertise on the sign out front to get more interest in the class, I already had an artist willing to donate her time to teach the class, and I felt so blessed by all the things happening at once! The studio owner seemed excited and ready to move forward and she asked if she could donate all the supplies we would need! My heart was ready to explode! These are things I read about in magazines and inspirational books and blogs, articles sent out in newletters from adoption agencies. Not only was she donating the studio space and helping advertise, but she wanted to supply us with everything we needed! She said we shouldn't have to pay anything out.....simply apply the profits to our adoption savings. She asked that I get a blanket non-profit organization to oversee the fundraiser and I was a bit confused about that but I left that place with the biggest smile on my face. I cried again on the way home celebrating God's heart for orphans. It wouldn't be long and we would be bringing our little boy home.
I checked with the first non-profit and after waiting almost 2 weeks they said no. I asked a friend who had already told me he would help in that area and he was very generous in offering the non-profit usage. The studio owner was requesting a meeting with the non-profit manager and my artist so we bounced a bucket load of emails back and forth until we were able to set up the time and place a week and a half out. I was nervous and excited! I had begun to think of other advertising strategies and I was diligently spreading the word to friends and family.... Our first big fundraiser would be happening around the first of June!!!
And then.....well, you've heard the saying "Pulled the rug out from under me".
The studio owner backed out the day before the meeting. She said the building owners weren't comfortable with my fundraiser. I think because she wasn't emotionally invested she couldn't advocate for us. I felt like I had stayed in contact and worked so hard for weeks to get the non-profit piece. I had turned my week upside down setting up the meeting, had put so much heart and soul into a place where my faith was already small. I had literally wasted weeks. My heart was so broken! How does this happen? How do you put so much into something that means the world and then someone just....pulls the plug! I fell into a fog and didn't really care what happened then. Maybe it was all a huge mistake. Maybe we aren't meant to adopt. That night I prayed for God to take away my desire to adopt. It would just be so much easier if I had absolutely no desire to adopt ever again! Telling myself constantly that it was a stupid idea and I don't even like children wasn't really working though.
My artist is still on board and can't wait to teach the class. I have taken quite a few steps backward, to the very start of this idea. Weeks and even months wasted with planning and falling apart, back to square one. I'm trying to patch my heart back together but I am still so bummed it's proving difficult. And the desire is still there. This awful desire I can't get to go away. I can't make it leave. It would make life so much easier if it would just quit, just go away. I DON'T WANT TO ADOPT! But it isn't working and it's still there and I'm still wishing and dreaming. I keep getting these horrible newsletters from agencies, reminders that children are still waiting. I keep getting photo listings that I want to unsubscribe from but I just can't. They're in my thoughts and in my dreams. They're all still waiting. There are thousands and thousands of orphans, we have 4 empty beds and room in our hearts..... and they're still waiting. And I don't know what to do from here. I don't know if I can put my tiny faith back out there in hopes someone will snatch it up and build on it. I feel drained and helpless. But certainly not as helpless as my son....who is still waiting for me to throw myself together and come for him.
