This is a post I had posted back at the begining of June but removed it a few days later. At the time I hadn't wanted Thailand to see it for fear they would take Brooke away before WACAP had time to find a home here in the states for Brooke. It's over a month old, but alot of people have asked why our agency didn't look for a home here for Brooke so she could stay in America and have a chance at life. They did try to find a home but ran out of time. Thailand had initially demanded Brooke's return, but no one ever knew why they didn't request she be placed in a different home here instead of returning to Thailand. Still, no one knows why it didn't happen that way. Here is the post.....
Saturday, June 09, 2007
Skipping Steps
We spoke to the founder of a group that seems to help International adoption situations. We thought there was hope. It seemed during our conversation that Plan A was to keep Brooke in our family while plan B was to locate another family in the U.S. We were excited to hear that maybe there was a chance she could stay with us. Beyond that, we would begin to locate another family instead of her being forced into returning to Thailand. At this point Thailand is currently drafting a letter with a deadline date for when Brooke must be returned.2 days ago I checked my email and found a message from our agency. Now, everytime I see their number on my caller ID when the phone rings or whenever I check my email and there is a message there from them, my stomach clenches and I suddenly feel very very sick. I've gotten to the point where I absolutely cannot answer their calls, but when I get an email from them I have to go get a drink of water and calm down before I can open the email. I proceeded through my calming steps and when I got back to my desk I opened it. Naturally, I was shocked to read that WACAP would like us to sign a release so that they may begin searching for another family for Brooke. At first I was angry. What happened to us? What happened to our family? Apparently, we just aren't good enough. The more we talked it through, the calmer we became. There is no guarantee that Thailand will allow Brooke to stay even if we find another family. But if that family is just too good to resist, maybe....just maybe....Thailand will give our daughter a second chance at life. It seems that finding another family is a step in the Hague Convention that Thailand forgot to consider. We still have hope that Brooke will be able to remain in America and continue to grow and learn. She just won't be doing it in our family.I can't express the grief we are going through now and the sorrow and heartache that the future holds for us. I can't think of words impactful enough to allow you to feel the dispair and numbness we feel every day. I cried again yesterday. I hadn't cried in a week and was actually proud of myself for it. But sometimes, the world weighs heavy on my shoulders and I just can't keep going. Sometimes, I break down and wonder if I am only a shadow anymore, or if I still exist at all. When Cody overheard me talking about another family for Brooke, she fell apart. She yelled NO! and threw herself into my arms. She is just as damaged as we are. She knows that when Brooke is gone, she will be lonely again. She will want to move her bedroom back downstairs because it will be lonely upstairs all by herself. She will once again be an only child. She will once again sit out on her swingset and stare off into the clouds dreaming of a sibling, dreaming of a playmate and someone to talk to about important things. A friend, a sister, someone to share her parents with. And once again Cody will be lonely.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
The Longest Mile
We're back from Seattle. We really hoped things would go differently and they very nearly did. Our trip out was eventful......along the way we had stopped at a park to meet my in-laws for lunch. Brooke was playing w/ the other kids and having a great time until she decided to bail out of the swing. Here at home the girls will swing as high as they can and then jump out and they have always been fine. At the park they had this smushy padding over wood chips. When Brooke bailed out she twisted her ankle. We ended up at the emergency clinic and were actually happy to learn she had only sprained it. She ended up w/ an aircast and hobbled along when we stopped to eat or use the bathroom along the way. Then my car started to shake very badly about halfway through Idaho. We still don't know what's wrong with it. The girls slept most of the way so it was a peaceful drive even though my stomach was in knots the entire way.
We arrived the afternoon of the 3rd and called WACAP to let them know we were there and ready for our first meeting. They said the Thai worker did not want to meet, she just wanted WACAP to bring Brooke to the airport. I had specifically asked if we could be there on the 4th to save some money and we were told that we must arrive on the 3rd to meet the worker from Thailand. I then insisted we meet the worker! WACAP called back a bit later to say they would be bringing the Thai worker to our hotel the morning of the 4th.
When she walked in, Brooke stiffened and got very quiet. I told the Thai worker to make sure Brooke knew she was not there to take her yet. From there.....things didn't go well. The worker ended up telling us she was going to call Thailand to tell them Brooke should stay w/ us, that there was no reason for her to leave since she was happy and safe in our family. She then told Brooke she would be staying w/ us and not going back to Thailand. The worker took lots of pictures of us together, some of Brooke alone, and then asked for a family picture. We took one out of Brooke's photo album and gave to her. Then she said she wanted to take us all out to eat Thai food. We sat near the Thai worker and chatted but no one felt like eating. Brooke kept elbowing me and telling me to "Talk Big". I told her I wanted her to go outside w/ the Thai worker and talk to her privately. She agreed but wanted to make sure first that the worker would not take her away right then. We assured her she would be right back. When they came back in Brooke was beaming and then the worker wanted to know if we would like to say anything to her. Tom spoke first and told her how much we loved Brooke and how much she meant to us. Then I told her pretty much the same thing, including some silent tears and a bit of laughter to try to lighten the mood. Brooke elbowed me again and repeated "Mom, Talk Big! Brooke no go!" So I told the worker we didn't want to let Brooke go, she was doing so well in our home and we loved her so much. I pretty much repeated everything again and Brooke was satisfied then. I wasn't though. I didn't know how to put all those feelings into words...knowing in my heart this worker had no authority to change anyone's mind. The worker from Thailand said she was going to call the board/DSDW to let them know that Brooke was to stay w/ us. We were afraid to be happy about this new turn of events, but Brooke took it to heart and was thrilled about this news. When the call came later that evening to let us know that Thailand had demanded Brooke's return, we were all so heartbroken. We had called Thailand last week and spoke to our social worker there. She had seemed a bit put out at the time but when I asked if she would like to speak to Brooke she very quickly said yes. Brooke talked very bravely and told the worker she was happy here and did not want to go. The worker asked what country Brooke wanted to live in and she said America. Then the worker spoke to me and informed me that Brooke did not want to leave us. I nearly laughed at the amazement in her voice thinking "You didn't know this!?" She gave me the director's phone number but said she was in Australia at the time and wouldn't be returning until the 5th, the same day Brooke was to return. I stayed up until 2:30 AM trying to call the director. Brooke was up w/ me demanding I keep calling until the lady answered. Apparently, her phone didn't work in Australia so we finally went to bed. I tried again the next day and night but there was no answer. I felt my heart hit the bottom of my stomach.
When we received the call the night of the 4th they told us we would need to take Brooke to WACAP and a worker from there would take Brooke to the airport. We told them No. I requested that the Thai worker call Brooke to tell her in Thai what had happened, but WACAP said the Thai worker was too upset. I started laughing, as bitterly as it sounded to my own ears and said "Do you think WE aren't upset about this?" I ended the call quickly before I lost my patience w/ her. Yes, I guess I still have a little patience left.
When we told Brooke, she was heartbroken. But we quickly began telling her how excited we were for her and that she would get to return to Thailand and eat real Thai food, and see her foster mother and friends and go to Thai school! We brought in her suitcase and backpack and I sat and wrote out phone numbers for home and of family members and our friends in Thailand. I wrote them on tiny pieces of paper and Tom stuffed them in various pockets on Brooke's bags. Then we spent some time laughing and joking and when it was time for bed Brooke wouldn't go to sleep. She kept whispering that she was sad and didn't want to leave, that she loved us and was so sad to go. She kept whispering over and over "Mom....I love you. Dad....I love you....Cody, I love you. Cody go to sleep, Brooke no sleep. Sad. Mom....I love you...." and we would reply to her over and over and tell her how much we loved her. Finally, she was quiet. But I don't think any of got any sleep worth speaking of.
The next morning we headed to the airport. We were laughing and making jokes again and Brooke was nervous but decided to play along. She kept saying "Mom, Dad, Cody, drive long time....Cody go to potty....Mom, Dad, Cody go to eat lunch....drive drive drive long time, Cody sleep, evey time stop to go to Potty....Cody go to potty. Brooke go to Thailand. Brooke sad." And then she would start all over again and we would laugh because she was just so funny! And then we were at the airport and you could've heard a pin drop as silent as we all were.
WACAP called because we were running 15 minutes behind due to traffic. If I had been in a joking mood I would've told them we were headed to Vancouver, Canada. But I didn't. And I hated myself for not running away. I hated myself for not packing our things back in March and running to Mexico. I hated myself for what I was doing to my daughter. And I still hate myself. I will never be the same again.
While the social workers were checking Brooke's bag, Tom went to get some Thai money for Brooke. Brooke's passport wouldn't scan correctly and Brooke loudly annouced the passport was no good so she was going home w/ us. The social workers just stared blankly at her and returned fervently to scanning the passport. It ended up working, unfortunately, and Brooke's body language said she was crushed and angry. Tom showed up w/ the money and once again our daughter's face was a beautiful light! She said "Dad! Money!" and he crammed it into her change purse telling her quite loudly so all the social workers could hear "This is your money. Don't let anyone take it from you. It belongs to you and you can do whatever you want w/ it. If you want to shop, you can shop, if you want to share w/ your friends or give some to your foster mom you can do that too. But don't let anyone take it. It belongs to you!"
We arrived the afternoon of the 3rd and called WACAP to let them know we were there and ready for our first meeting. They said the Thai worker did not want to meet, she just wanted WACAP to bring Brooke to the airport. I had specifically asked if we could be there on the 4th to save some money and we were told that we must arrive on the 3rd to meet the worker from Thailand. I then insisted we meet the worker! WACAP called back a bit later to say they would be bringing the Thai worker to our hotel the morning of the 4th.
When she walked in, Brooke stiffened and got very quiet. I told the Thai worker to make sure Brooke knew she was not there to take her yet. From there.....things didn't go well. The worker ended up telling us she was going to call Thailand to tell them Brooke should stay w/ us, that there was no reason for her to leave since she was happy and safe in our family. She then told Brooke she would be staying w/ us and not going back to Thailand. The worker took lots of pictures of us together, some of Brooke alone, and then asked for a family picture. We took one out of Brooke's photo album and gave to her. Then she said she wanted to take us all out to eat Thai food. We sat near the Thai worker and chatted but no one felt like eating. Brooke kept elbowing me and telling me to "Talk Big". I told her I wanted her to go outside w/ the Thai worker and talk to her privately. She agreed but wanted to make sure first that the worker would not take her away right then. We assured her she would be right back. When they came back in Brooke was beaming and then the worker wanted to know if we would like to say anything to her. Tom spoke first and told her how much we loved Brooke and how much she meant to us. Then I told her pretty much the same thing, including some silent tears and a bit of laughter to try to lighten the mood. Brooke elbowed me again and repeated "Mom, Talk Big! Brooke no go!" So I told the worker we didn't want to let Brooke go, she was doing so well in our home and we loved her so much. I pretty much repeated everything again and Brooke was satisfied then. I wasn't though. I didn't know how to put all those feelings into words...knowing in my heart this worker had no authority to change anyone's mind. The worker from Thailand said she was going to call the board/DSDW to let them know that Brooke was to stay w/ us. We were afraid to be happy about this new turn of events, but Brooke took it to heart and was thrilled about this news. When the call came later that evening to let us know that Thailand had demanded Brooke's return, we were all so heartbroken. We had called Thailand last week and spoke to our social worker there. She had seemed a bit put out at the time but when I asked if she would like to speak to Brooke she very quickly said yes. Brooke talked very bravely and told the worker she was happy here and did not want to go. The worker asked what country Brooke wanted to live in and she said America. Then the worker spoke to me and informed me that Brooke did not want to leave us. I nearly laughed at the amazement in her voice thinking "You didn't know this!?" She gave me the director's phone number but said she was in Australia at the time and wouldn't be returning until the 5th, the same day Brooke was to return. I stayed up until 2:30 AM trying to call the director. Brooke was up w/ me demanding I keep calling until the lady answered. Apparently, her phone didn't work in Australia so we finally went to bed. I tried again the next day and night but there was no answer. I felt my heart hit the bottom of my stomach.
When we received the call the night of the 4th they told us we would need to take Brooke to WACAP and a worker from there would take Brooke to the airport. We told them No. I requested that the Thai worker call Brooke to tell her in Thai what had happened, but WACAP said the Thai worker was too upset. I started laughing, as bitterly as it sounded to my own ears and said "Do you think WE aren't upset about this?" I ended the call quickly before I lost my patience w/ her. Yes, I guess I still have a little patience left.
When we told Brooke, she was heartbroken. But we quickly began telling her how excited we were for her and that she would get to return to Thailand and eat real Thai food, and see her foster mother and friends and go to Thai school! We brought in her suitcase and backpack and I sat and wrote out phone numbers for home and of family members and our friends in Thailand. I wrote them on tiny pieces of paper and Tom stuffed them in various pockets on Brooke's bags. Then we spent some time laughing and joking and when it was time for bed Brooke wouldn't go to sleep. She kept whispering that she was sad and didn't want to leave, that she loved us and was so sad to go. She kept whispering over and over "Mom....I love you. Dad....I love you....Cody, I love you. Cody go to sleep, Brooke no sleep. Sad. Mom....I love you...." and we would reply to her over and over and tell her how much we loved her. Finally, she was quiet. But I don't think any of got any sleep worth speaking of.
The next morning we headed to the airport. We were laughing and making jokes again and Brooke was nervous but decided to play along. She kept saying "Mom, Dad, Cody, drive long time....Cody go to potty....Mom, Dad, Cody go to eat lunch....drive drive drive long time, Cody sleep, evey time stop to go to Potty....Cody go to potty. Brooke go to Thailand. Brooke sad." And then she would start all over again and we would laugh because she was just so funny! And then we were at the airport and you could've heard a pin drop as silent as we all were.
WACAP called because we were running 15 minutes behind due to traffic. If I had been in a joking mood I would've told them we were headed to Vancouver, Canada. But I didn't. And I hated myself for not running away. I hated myself for not packing our things back in March and running to Mexico. I hated myself for what I was doing to my daughter. And I still hate myself. I will never be the same again.
While the social workers were checking Brooke's bag, Tom went to get some Thai money for Brooke. Brooke's passport wouldn't scan correctly and Brooke loudly annouced the passport was no good so she was going home w/ us. The social workers just stared blankly at her and returned fervently to scanning the passport. It ended up working, unfortunately, and Brooke's body language said she was crushed and angry. Tom showed up w/ the money and once again our daughter's face was a beautiful light! She said "Dad! Money!" and he crammed it into her change purse telling her quite loudly so all the social workers could hear "This is your money. Don't let anyone take it from you. It belongs to you and you can do whatever you want w/ it. If you want to shop, you can shop, if you want to share w/ your friends or give some to your foster mom you can do that too. But don't let anyone take it. It belongs to you!"
We walked around to security and then we didn't know what to do. We all stood there staring at each other not wanting to say goodbye and I could feel the tears stinging my eyes. I concentrated on being strong and brave for my girl, but it just didn't work. Cody and Tom hugged Brooke and spoke to her for a bit and stepped back. I wrapped my arms around her and whispered to her that she was always my daughter, forever and ever, and we would always love her. I told her she was a good girl, and we would miss her but to tell her foster mother hello for us. I told her to give her foster mother a hug because that's what Americans do to show each other how they feel. Then I said "squeeze me and pat my back" and she laughed. She loves hugs and so I taught her to pat someone's back when you hug as if you are patting a baby. Just a funny thing we do to make each other laugh.
And then they got into line at security. My lungs stopped working but my tears began flowing. As they were just getting ready to go through the checkpoint the worker made Brooke turn to us to wave. I plastered on a huge fake smile and waved back. Her face was a mask of sorrow and tears and she couldn't make herself smile. As she turned away I ran to her and wrapped my arms around her tightly and whispered in Thai and English "I Love You!!!" And then I stepped back and let my daughter go. She waved again and stared at us through her tears until the crowd pushed her away and we could no longer see each other. And then I cried. I turned to Tom after a moment, seeing Cody wrapped tightly in his arms w/ tears down her cheeks and said "Let's go." We walked away from the WACAP workers and drove out of Seattle.....and I left half of my heart there. The other half of my heart Cody quickly grabbed up w/ her smile as she said "Mom, when do we get to go see Brooke? I miss her already".
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