We decided not to tell Brooke yet. We didn't know how long this would go on and didn't want her feeling the loss and heartache we faced every day. We wanted to save her sanity and make sure her days were filled w/ hope and love. She knew a little instability when she saw me sobbing uncontrollably but she makes herself believe everything will be ok. I mean, she asks us every day if we are happy or sad. And when we answer that we're happy she says "Good!" and goes on w/ life. Why would we drag her into the feelings of hopeless despair? There will come a day when we will be forced to, but for now we are content to let her believe in forever.
When I pray I ask God's will w/ a side note of something like "But, PLEASE let us keep our child!!!" I pray w/ tears and w/out but the prayers w/out tears are generally because I am already so dehydrated and empty of spirit that I have nothing left but outright begging. A nice lady at church mentioned to me a couple Sundays ago that people pray for you because you have nothing left. You are drained and empty and may not have the right words coming out. She is a prayer warrior! And she is praying for us! My Jesus is walking beside me sometimes but most of the time He is walking in front of me, hand outstretched and leading me through the darkness. Lately, I have begged for a light to shine through so that I may have the smallest amount of hope. All of the other times I am too exhausted to go on, and He's there. Lifting me and carrying me. When I have no more reason, no more hope, and can only fear and despair, He's there in the smile on my daughters' faces.
When we finished our last post placement report we should have been excited. We should have celebrated and posted here to tell everyone! Instead, we trudged on like we do every other day. I have been afraid to post Brooke's accomplishments and triumphs out of fear. I see everyone else talk about their adoption or their child's gains and growth but I have been afraid to tell everyone about Brooke. I have feared everyone....I silently beg everyone around me to please not take my daughter away. I have feared you all. I have been afraid that she could be snatched away at any moment. One day, shortly after WACAP told us that Brooke was to be returned, I was watching out the window waiting for Brooke's bus. 5 minutes went by. 10 minutes, then 15. 20 minutes and no bus. My heart stopped beating and began pounding in my ears. My stomach tightened and I began to weep. After 30 minutes I called the school. The receptionist said "Oh, yes, Brooke is here. She missed her bus. Are you coming to get her soon?" Talk about taking 10 years off your life!!!! I nearly lost it w/ the lady but forced myself to calmly say "yes, I will be there soon." Upon hanging up the phone I broke into hiccupping sobs and fell to my knees. I thanked God that she was still here and told Him as soon as I could stand on my own 2 feet w/out collapsing I would drive to pick her up.
We've begun teaching Brooke life skills. I was planning on waiting a bit and introducing one thing at a time but now we feel forced into pushing all of these things on her at once. She must learn as must English as possible. She must learn as many skills as possible. If she must return, she must know how to protect herself and take care of herself. Brooke is 15. She will be 16 this year. Everyone knows you can't be adopted at that age. Everyone knows you are a lost one. She will not have another chance at a family. We're it. We're her family. The last chance she had to be a part of a family. At 15-16 you must begin to think of a future on your own....a future alone. You can't go to school because you never learned to read and write. No family, few friends, no home, no money, no job. No Mom to tuck you in at night. No Dad to help you learn to live on your own. No sister to laugh w/. No Grandparents to call. No confidence. No security. No family.
Brooke has been in 5 times in the last 30 minutes wanting me to come outside w/ her. I think we'll hang a basketball hoop over the garage. Brooke loves Basketball. I'll make a scrapbook of her too. Dad will buy her a bike. Her sister will draw her a picture of a heart. We'll enroll her in a Summer-school program. And I'll go on pretending forever for however long I have to, just to make her world a secure place. Just to make her world a place where she knows she's loved and needed. Even if it's only for a little while. Even if we only pretend it's forever.
Monday, May 21, 2007
And The Winner of Tonight's Award is.......
We tried to appeal but WACAP said they didn't know how. They said this has never happened before and they weren't sure of the process. We found an attorney who referred us to a specialist on immigration. They were unwilling to take our case because of a recent law suit involving some girls who were molested/murdered etc. Then, through a very special friend ( you know how much you mean to me, girl! ) we located an attorney in Thailand. He was extremely expensive and wanted the money w/in days. He would only write the appeal and wouldn't guarantee any further work. We couldn't come up w/ the money in time and failed to meet our appeal deadline and our hearts crumbled.
Fast forward to Monday the 14th of May. We headed to the art show at Brooke's school and got there in time for someone to attempt to snatch her into the gym. Apparently, she was up for an award we were unaware of! They quickly stuck her in line and I nearly cried when they announced her name. She had won 2 awards! My daughter of 7 months had just won 2 awards! We were so proud of her! We continued on after the awards ceremony to see her artwork showcased on the halls of the school. Our kids just keep giving us the awesome reasons to go on living and smiling in spite of the world around us. And of course they don't let us forget it. For an entire week we would be driving down the road and suddenly Brooke would shout out her name and the awards she won!
The next day would bring disaster again. The WACAP worker called to say Thailand had sent another letter asking the date of Brooke's return. My heart caved in. How much more of this could I take? How many more times can I go through feeling joy and hope, even laughing every once in a while, only to be down-trodden the very next moment. How many more days must I suffer through feelings of dispair and continue on as if I am a robot, wake up, make breakfast, get ready for work, watch Brooke get on the bus, take Cody to school, go to work, smile politely, tell everyone I am feeling fine, go home and choke down some lunch into my churning stomach, wait for Brooke to get off the bus and smile brightly and tell me about her day, pick Cody up from school, make dinner, tuck the kids in bed, and lay down to rest my broken body and mind....no sleep for me unless it's some form of passing out from complete emotional exhaustion.....all the while pretending forever.
Brooke doesn't know. She doesn't know what's happening although she suspects something horrible. Since that day in February when she caught me crying (I was hiding so I wouldn't scare her w/ the torrent of tears, and when she saw me she was mortified! How on earth could her happy, silly Mom be crying????) she has asked if I am happy. I answer "Yes! How could I not be? I have one more day w/ you!" and she smiles and goes on to ask Dad if he is happy. Every single day. Cody used to ask if Brooke was here to stay forever. I would answer yes. She wouldn't believe me so she would ask again and add "she's not a foster kid right? She's my sister forever right? She's never leaving?" and I would push her fears aside and assure her Brooke was here to stay and she would always be her sister. She stopped asking around the end of January. It's a good thing too. I don't think I could lie to her now and tell her that her sister was here to stay. Why haven't we told Brooke? We considered it. We asked a very dear friend to translate for us (a difficult thing to ask....why on earth would someone want to be the bearer of bad news?). Our friend said she would. She said she would because she wanted our feelings portrayed w/ love and emotion so that Brooke would know our true feelings and the truth of the situation. We changed our minds after a weekend of trying to convince ourselves to do it. We were all set to tell her when something would come up, or a feeling would wash over us telling us not to. Now, for those of you who do not like to read about God, you may stop here. For those of you who are prayers, Christians, etc....read on.
Fast forward to Monday the 14th of May. We headed to the art show at Brooke's school and got there in time for someone to attempt to snatch her into the gym. Apparently, she was up for an award we were unaware of! They quickly stuck her in line and I nearly cried when they announced her name. She had won 2 awards! My daughter of 7 months had just won 2 awards! We were so proud of her! We continued on after the awards ceremony to see her artwork showcased on the halls of the school. Our kids just keep giving us the awesome reasons to go on living and smiling in spite of the world around us. And of course they don't let us forget it. For an entire week we would be driving down the road and suddenly Brooke would shout out her name and the awards she won!
The next day would bring disaster again. The WACAP worker called to say Thailand had sent another letter asking the date of Brooke's return. My heart caved in. How much more of this could I take? How many more times can I go through feeling joy and hope, even laughing every once in a while, only to be down-trodden the very next moment. How many more days must I suffer through feelings of dispair and continue on as if I am a robot, wake up, make breakfast, get ready for work, watch Brooke get on the bus, take Cody to school, go to work, smile politely, tell everyone I am feeling fine, go home and choke down some lunch into my churning stomach, wait for Brooke to get off the bus and smile brightly and tell me about her day, pick Cody up from school, make dinner, tuck the kids in bed, and lay down to rest my broken body and mind....no sleep for me unless it's some form of passing out from complete emotional exhaustion.....all the while pretending forever.
Brooke doesn't know. She doesn't know what's happening although she suspects something horrible. Since that day in February when she caught me crying (I was hiding so I wouldn't scare her w/ the torrent of tears, and when she saw me she was mortified! How on earth could her happy, silly Mom be crying????) she has asked if I am happy. I answer "Yes! How could I not be? I have one more day w/ you!" and she smiles and goes on to ask Dad if he is happy. Every single day. Cody used to ask if Brooke was here to stay forever. I would answer yes. She wouldn't believe me so she would ask again and add "she's not a foster kid right? She's my sister forever right? She's never leaving?" and I would push her fears aside and assure her Brooke was here to stay and she would always be her sister. She stopped asking around the end of January. It's a good thing too. I don't think I could lie to her now and tell her that her sister was here to stay. Why haven't we told Brooke? We considered it. We asked a very dear friend to translate for us (a difficult thing to ask....why on earth would someone want to be the bearer of bad news?). Our friend said she would. She said she would because she wanted our feelings portrayed w/ love and emotion so that Brooke would know our true feelings and the truth of the situation. We changed our minds after a weekend of trying to convince ourselves to do it. We were all set to tell her when something would come up, or a feeling would wash over us telling us not to. Now, for those of you who do not like to read about God, you may stop here. For those of you who are prayers, Christians, etc....read on.
Pretending Forever
By the end of February we had received a phone call from WACAP. It seemed Thailand was telling us to return our daughter. How could that be? I must be mistaken. No....it's real. And it hurts so bad. Turns out, someone thinks we're unfit parents. After all we have been through, the two years of waiting, the endless tears of joy along the way, the nights of worry and sleeplessness, and the celebration of bringing home our long awaited child. Our daughter finally had a sister, we finally had another child, and our parents were Grandparents again. But it's all been make-believe. Someone made up an adoption journey game and in the end you don't get the prize. You don't even win. You get to go on living and that isn't a reward at all. It's misery and pain, hopelessness and fear. I don't want to be part of the game anymore, I just want to keep my daughters. I just want to stay a family of 4.
Did I tell you I lost two babies before? Yeah, I was an adult, thought everything was going my way until I had a miscarriage a few months into the pregnancy. A year later saw me at the breaking point, suffering through another baby lost. When we finally had our bio daughter I knew I would be ok, but I knew we could never go through that again. There are so many kids out there! There are so many kids who need a great home, a loving family, a safe place to grow. Did I tell you how Brooke filled a hole in my heart? Did I tell you how big it was? Our bio daughter, Cody, is an awesome kid. She's funny and smart and we love her so much. But there were holes there where my babies were missing. Brooke helped to fill a hole. She is one of my babies. She was meant to be a part of me, regardless of how she came to us. We are attached and bonded as if she has always been here. We couldn't imagine our lives w/out her.
We were told we could appeal w/in 30 days. We were still grieving and feeling such a huge loss over the words the WACAP worker had spoken. We were to take our daughter back. We were to return her to the country she didn't want to go back to. Yeah, we asked her if she wanted to go back. She said Noooooo and shook her head quite adamantly. We have asked her often since we brought her home and in the first month she would have said yes. By Christmas, she had changed her mind and bonded to us. If we asked her now, she would say no. If we asked her if she would like to go if we all went she would say "4 go? Mom, Dad, Me, Cody? Ok.....visit. Then home."
Did I tell you she loves to give and receive hugs? It was a huge step for her but the first time was a huge breaking point for our attachment. She was crying in her room, sitting on the floor. I went in and asked if I could sit w/ her. She had no idea at that time what I wanted but I sat anyway. We stayed that way for a long time, sitting together and thinking. I reached over and put my arm around her and she began to lean toward me a little. You could tell she hadn't been hugged before, at least for a very long time. Suddenly she sat up on her knees and grabbed me. I held on and didn't let go. The tears began to fall and I told her in Thai that I loved her. I told her what a good girl she was and how happy I was to have her for a daughter. After that, she seemed content to be in our home, in our family. At bedtimes, since the girls shared a room, I would stand in the middle of the floor and read a book to them, showing the illustrations and hearing them giggle. Then I would go to each girl and kiss my hand and plant it on her forehead. My way of showing how much I care about their privacy and security. Snickers and giggles would proceed a quick "Mom, I....Love You!" from Brooke. Then both girls would giggle and repeat it over and over until I was out of sight. Now, before Brooke goes to bed, she stands in the middle of the floor until I come in her room, wraps her arms around my waist and squeezes while telling me she loves me. I tuck her in bed and head out. I know in my heart, there are two safe, secure, happy girls in my home. But I go to bed feeling lost and depressed. For I am feeling as if I am pretending forever.
Did I tell you I lost two babies before? Yeah, I was an adult, thought everything was going my way until I had a miscarriage a few months into the pregnancy. A year later saw me at the breaking point, suffering through another baby lost. When we finally had our bio daughter I knew I would be ok, but I knew we could never go through that again. There are so many kids out there! There are so many kids who need a great home, a loving family, a safe place to grow. Did I tell you how Brooke filled a hole in my heart? Did I tell you how big it was? Our bio daughter, Cody, is an awesome kid. She's funny and smart and we love her so much. But there were holes there where my babies were missing. Brooke helped to fill a hole. She is one of my babies. She was meant to be a part of me, regardless of how she came to us. We are attached and bonded as if she has always been here. We couldn't imagine our lives w/out her.
We were told we could appeal w/in 30 days. We were still grieving and feeling such a huge loss over the words the WACAP worker had spoken. We were to take our daughter back. We were to return her to the country she didn't want to go back to. Yeah, we asked her if she wanted to go back. She said Noooooo and shook her head quite adamantly. We have asked her often since we brought her home and in the first month she would have said yes. By Christmas, she had changed her mind and bonded to us. If we asked her now, she would say no. If we asked her if she would like to go if we all went she would say "4 go? Mom, Dad, Me, Cody? Ok.....visit. Then home."
Did I tell you she loves to give and receive hugs? It was a huge step for her but the first time was a huge breaking point for our attachment. She was crying in her room, sitting on the floor. I went in and asked if I could sit w/ her. She had no idea at that time what I wanted but I sat anyway. We stayed that way for a long time, sitting together and thinking. I reached over and put my arm around her and she began to lean toward me a little. You could tell she hadn't been hugged before, at least for a very long time. Suddenly she sat up on her knees and grabbed me. I held on and didn't let go. The tears began to fall and I told her in Thai that I loved her. I told her what a good girl she was and how happy I was to have her for a daughter. After that, she seemed content to be in our home, in our family. At bedtimes, since the girls shared a room, I would stand in the middle of the floor and read a book to them, showing the illustrations and hearing them giggle. Then I would go to each girl and kiss my hand and plant it on her forehead. My way of showing how much I care about their privacy and security. Snickers and giggles would proceed a quick "Mom, I....Love You!" from Brooke. Then both girls would giggle and repeat it over and over until I was out of sight. Now, before Brooke goes to bed, she stands in the middle of the floor until I come in her room, wraps her arms around my waist and squeezes while telling me she loves me. I tuck her in bed and head out. I know in my heart, there are two safe, secure, happy girls in my home. But I go to bed feeling lost and depressed. For I am feeling as if I am pretending forever.
Measuring Life
Hey, everyone! It's been forever and ever since I posted. We've been through so much the last several months I feel like an empty shell of a person. You know when you find a locust at the end of summer, and it's dried and hollow....well that's me. Only I don't get the chance to dry up and die. I still have to go on living....go on making dinner and helping w/ homework, tucking the kids into bed and falling into an exhausted non-sleep pattern. I still have to get up and go to work and smile at the right moments and pretend I'm happy. Pretend forever.
Are you ready for this? Are you ready to feel pain and loss? Will you grieve w/ me? Then read on.....
In February, WACAP called to say they were coming to visit. A social worker was coming to visit us. As if we didn't already have enough social workers in our lives. She said she just wanted to check to make sure everything was going ok....she said Thailand was concerned for Brooke. Brooke is our daughter. Or so we thought. We traveled back in October to bring her home after waiting over 2 years. Brooke is 15....she turned 15 in December. Brooke had never had a cake before for her birthday, nor had she ever had gifts. She had never had anyone sing Happy Birthday. She had no idea how much fun it could be! We ordered up a huge Hello Kitty cake (Brooke loves pink) and took it to youth group one night. Suddenly, Brooke had 60-something kids singing happy birthday to her! It was an amazing night.
Anyway, back to the story.
I was a bit concerned and confused that a worker was coming to visit us since I had never heard of this happening. Tom and I wondered if this was something new or if it was simply because she is the oldest to be adopted from Thailand. We figured it must be the latter.
Excuse me, I had to step away just now to watch Brooke make her first attempt at riding a bike. Her Dad just promised her that he would buy her her very own bicycle. Will she be around to ride it?
I sure do get sidetracked easily! So, anyway, the WACAP worker insisted that she would be seeing Brooke at school but she would not "need" us until the afternoon. Hmmm.....why on earth would I not be there for our child? I was at the school an hour and a half before the worker was expected from the airport. I think they were a bit surprised to see me. I have been a foster parent for years and now I have been in the shoes of a "bio parent". It was scary.
There were 3 social workers there at the school. I had arranged for a translator as well as 2 teachers, the principle and the assistant principle to be there. It was very awkward and uncomfortable and Brooke was very nervous. After a bit, the worker asked that everyone leave. We complied, as I had nothing to hide and didn't mind them questioning our daughter alone. She is an honest and sensible girl and I knew she would be ok.
They were w/ her for an hour.
My stomach began to churn as I worried about my girl. Were they invading her privacy? Were they confusing her? Were they not allowing her enough time to answer? She has Cerebral Palsy and needs alot of time to form an answer and voice it. When they came out, Brooke was smiling at me but no one else was. I hugged her and told her how wonderful she was and how smart she was. Then, I had someone take her back to class and I showed the workers to our home.
Once here, there was some small talk as we waited for Tom to get home for lunch. No one asked to see Brooke's room, nor did they really seem to care how she was really doing. It surprised me but I thought maybe they had gathered enough info to satisfy and make a report.
The worker had decided after questioning Brooke that she was safe and happy in our home. Our wonderful, smart, funny Brooke! What a sense of humor and what a smart girl! No one had ever given her credit for the things she can do! She came to us barely speaking at all, knowing no English (beyond Hello, Bathroom, and the alphabet). She could barely speak above a whisper and her sentences were fragmented and incomplete. She ate as if she were starving, could not read or write her native language, and has scars over the majority of her body. We were told she was mentally retarded w/ an IQ of 57, was not active, did not like sports, and would never learn to read or write. Workers had been concerned that she could never learn another language, she was too old to adapt, would probably not be able to function in a family, and would want to come back after a while.
Brooke is reading and writing English at a Kindergarten level, her Math is at a first grade level, she can carry on a basic English conversation and has even learned a little Spanish (which we stopped speaking in our home to accommodate her learning English w/out confusion. She learned Spanish at school). Brooke loves school! But above and beyond that, her Thai language has improved! She can carry on a conversation in Thai, outloud and in full and complete sentences! She has even learned to write a little Thai! And all of this in less than 7 months!!!
Our girls are nuts about each other! They are sisters in every way possible except they rarely argue or fight. They are very compatible and adoring of each other. And they would be crushed to loose each other. Brooke loves her Grandparents and Great-Grandparents, all of her Aunts and Uncles and cousins too! Our entire family has taken this sweet girl in and made her a permanent part of a circle of love. And she knows she is loved and doted on by every member of our unique and diverse family.
Are you ready for this? Are you ready to feel pain and loss? Will you grieve w/ me? Then read on.....
In February, WACAP called to say they were coming to visit. A social worker was coming to visit us. As if we didn't already have enough social workers in our lives. She said she just wanted to check to make sure everything was going ok....she said Thailand was concerned for Brooke. Brooke is our daughter. Or so we thought. We traveled back in October to bring her home after waiting over 2 years. Brooke is 15....she turned 15 in December. Brooke had never had a cake before for her birthday, nor had she ever had gifts. She had never had anyone sing Happy Birthday. She had no idea how much fun it could be! We ordered up a huge Hello Kitty cake (Brooke loves pink) and took it to youth group one night. Suddenly, Brooke had 60-something kids singing happy birthday to her! It was an amazing night.
Anyway, back to the story.
I was a bit concerned and confused that a worker was coming to visit us since I had never heard of this happening. Tom and I wondered if this was something new or if it was simply because she is the oldest to be adopted from Thailand. We figured it must be the latter.
Excuse me, I had to step away just now to watch Brooke make her first attempt at riding a bike. Her Dad just promised her that he would buy her her very own bicycle. Will she be around to ride it?
I sure do get sidetracked easily! So, anyway, the WACAP worker insisted that she would be seeing Brooke at school but she would not "need" us until the afternoon. Hmmm.....why on earth would I not be there for our child? I was at the school an hour and a half before the worker was expected from the airport. I think they were a bit surprised to see me. I have been a foster parent for years and now I have been in the shoes of a "bio parent". It was scary.
There were 3 social workers there at the school. I had arranged for a translator as well as 2 teachers, the principle and the assistant principle to be there. It was very awkward and uncomfortable and Brooke was very nervous. After a bit, the worker asked that everyone leave. We complied, as I had nothing to hide and didn't mind them questioning our daughter alone. She is an honest and sensible girl and I knew she would be ok.
They were w/ her for an hour.
My stomach began to churn as I worried about my girl. Were they invading her privacy? Were they confusing her? Were they not allowing her enough time to answer? She has Cerebral Palsy and needs alot of time to form an answer and voice it. When they came out, Brooke was smiling at me but no one else was. I hugged her and told her how wonderful she was and how smart she was. Then, I had someone take her back to class and I showed the workers to our home.
Once here, there was some small talk as we waited for Tom to get home for lunch. No one asked to see Brooke's room, nor did they really seem to care how she was really doing. It surprised me but I thought maybe they had gathered enough info to satisfy and make a report.
The worker had decided after questioning Brooke that she was safe and happy in our home. Our wonderful, smart, funny Brooke! What a sense of humor and what a smart girl! No one had ever given her credit for the things she can do! She came to us barely speaking at all, knowing no English (beyond Hello, Bathroom, and the alphabet). She could barely speak above a whisper and her sentences were fragmented and incomplete. She ate as if she were starving, could not read or write her native language, and has scars over the majority of her body. We were told she was mentally retarded w/ an IQ of 57, was not active, did not like sports, and would never learn to read or write. Workers had been concerned that she could never learn another language, she was too old to adapt, would probably not be able to function in a family, and would want to come back after a while.
Brooke is reading and writing English at a Kindergarten level, her Math is at a first grade level, she can carry on a basic English conversation and has even learned a little Spanish (which we stopped speaking in our home to accommodate her learning English w/out confusion. She learned Spanish at school). Brooke loves school! But above and beyond that, her Thai language has improved! She can carry on a conversation in Thai, outloud and in full and complete sentences! She has even learned to write a little Thai! And all of this in less than 7 months!!!
Our girls are nuts about each other! They are sisters in every way possible except they rarely argue or fight. They are very compatible and adoring of each other. And they would be crushed to loose each other. Brooke loves her Grandparents and Great-Grandparents, all of her Aunts and Uncles and cousins too! Our entire family has taken this sweet girl in and made her a permanent part of a circle of love. And she knows she is loved and doted on by every member of our unique and diverse family.
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