Wishes and Dreams

     I tried so hard not to let a single tear escape my eyes last Sunday during the service at church. The preacher talked about making wishes and what they were intended for and what we planned to do with the wish if it was granted. Ooooooh he had no idea that what he was talking about would have such an impact to me! And today only seemed like reinforcement.

     When we brought Brooke home from Thailand so many years ago we had hoped our next adoption would be a little boy. Last year we adopted Aniah and I have hoped for that little boy all along. It seemed my dream extended out a bit to include a special needs boy or brothers from Taiwan. International adoption is sooooo expensive and we know there is no way we can afford to do it again. But God can! Last Sunday morning I sat in that seat at church and made a birthday wish.....last Sunday was my birthday and although I had no cake or candles I felt I was still allowed a wish. I remember one time as a child I wished we would stop moving so I could make friends. Little did I know, God intended for me to be married before I could stop moving all over the United States! My husband was tailor made to provide stability and security for me. I figure wishes do come true after all because I have so many friends it still amazes me!

     I know the sermon was geared toward Christmas but wouldn't it have double significance if it was my birthday too?! So I bowed my head and closed my eyes and with a smile I asked God for a son (or sons!). I don't know what His answer will be, I just know my own heart and what I desire most.

     When we got back from Thailand almost a year ago I began saving change to adopt again. I have such a small amount saved that at times it's so discouraging. And then I perk up and think "Well, I have enough to pay for the application to an adoption agency!" I began asking friends to donate things I can sell to help fund our adoption. We have recieved items from Thailand, Finland, Pakistan, Ghana, some Native American items, and some beaded spoons and wishing jars I have made myself. I am hoping to start a blog with the items for sale to help fund our adoption of a special needs boy or boys from Taiwan.

     So close your eyes and smile..... and make a WISH! Merry Christmas, everyone. May all your dreams come true :)
    

Just a little Time

     I know you've heard the phrase "Time heals all things." Or someone has said to you "just give it time!" Well, sometimes that's true, and sometimes that works. I liken it more to a scab, and then later a scar. It's still there and a constant reminder but at least most of the pain is gone. If you scratch at the scab or you stretch or tear the scar it can be painful and make you not want to experience it again! There are so many of us who are ready to jump back in and risk making another scar all for the sake of loving another human being.

     Some days I feel that bitter lump in my throat and remind myself I am soooo over Brooke's selfishness. And then I turn right around and give myself a mental slap across the cheek and laugh about it all. Brooke is my daughter and I love her so much. It's unfortunate she's chosen a while longer in Thailand and I am no longer reaching so hard for the goal of her coming home. Obviously, that's what I would love most of all! To have my kiddo back here where I can help her grow and learn and maybe one day be successful and independent and I can see her often. But I have stopped holding on to that dream. Instead, I want to shift focus to what she will do for her livelihood. Naturally, I'd like to walk with her on that journey but it would prove difficult with me here and her there! I hope when that time comes God will make a pathway so well lit we cannot miss it! A place for her to live, a job, maybe even a mentor :)

     For a year now we've not sent anything to Brooke. Nothing beyond emails to our friends there and emails to the head social worker at the orphanage passing on messages. I have felt awful about it! I have felt selfish and embarassed at my behavior and then God gives me peace and tells me I've done the right thing. I am trying to decide what to send her for Christmas that she won't be able to sell for more rice (that she doesn't need since she's a large girl!) or something no one would be interested in taking from her. I think a letter and a notebook and colored pencils with a new photo album....full of pictures of the family she's missing out on "back home". Maybe when the time comes for her to graduate we can be there for her, just like I would for any of my kids. And one day she will either fit us in to her life, or we will fit her back in to ours. Either way, I miss my girl.

     On a lighter note, Aniah is a charming little devil! She has pulled the wool over many a babysitter's eyes! Funny and intelligent, naughty and quite the mess-maker, we couldn't imagine not having her racing through the house yelling something hilarious. It's hard to believe she's 3 now, and even harder to believe we adopted her over a year ago! I am still in disbelief we actually adopted and finalized and still have our kid hahaha

     And I can't leave a note behind without mentioning Cody. She's learned so much through us, not all of it good I'm sure, but I have tried to be the best Mother I can be to her. She's quirky and fun to be around and I love the fact that she enjoys school so very much. She makes good grades and has fun in everything she does. Sometimes people ask her how she feels about foster care and adoption. She teases and says she could do without her baby sister but we know their love/hate relationship is more about love and tolerance than anything else. It can't be easy being 10 years older than your sister! And she misses her big sister but she's learned to accept it and move forward. Cody is not only my daughter, but my friend as well and we enjoy spending time together. Always up for excitement and adventure.....that's my Cody :)

Waiting to gain some ground

Brooke is bored. I'm pretty sure that's all there is to it. She has asked to return to us and the social worker at the orphanage wants to know what our plan is. Well the plan has already come in to play....and passed. The opportunity is gone. We leaned on our friends and family and the money we had saved, made it to Thailand, survived a month, and came home empty handed and grieving. I don't know any other way to express to Brooke that we cannot just show up back over there and entertain her for a while until she tells us to leave because she's changed her mind once again. We can't go back hoping she will follow through....again. Have we been through this recently? Yep. I don't think my heart can take it and I am becoming bitter about the whole thing. I want to tell her to grow up but I don't know if she will ever be capable of growing that far, retaining that much about the love and committment other people share. So many families, so many Moms, put everything out there in the hopes we will be loved in return. Some people are not capable of loving anyone or anything. Others love back with a fierceness. Which one are you?

I have loved and been loved in return. It's addictive! It makes you feel wonderful, on top of the world! I want to adopt again. I think Tom has been so hurt and he's just so tired that he can't go through it all again. He goes along with the things I say but I don't think he really hears them, when it's foster or adoption related. He keeps making comments about adopting one more "and just being done". Sometimes I feel the same way and sometimes I KNOW there is a child or children out there who need us and I just can't let that go. Maybe by the time I have enough money saved to adopt again we will be healed enough to move forward.....gain some ground. Foster care and adoption are ministries and the more people we touch the more children will find families....the more families will find children! You don't have to birth a child to call him or her your own. You didn't birth your spouse or friends, did you? Yet you still love your spouse (I hope!!!) and you still help your friends when they need you! Children are vulnerable creatures, and they are our next generation. What will you do to let them know you care? What will you do to take part in the next generation? Will you let them fall by the side, trampled and fading, invisible and hurting? Or will you jump in, join an organization that makes a difference, donate money and time to provide medical care or education or even love to a child who needs it? Will you be one of the few who brings a child into your home to provide love, shelter, food and family? How far can you stretch your comfy little box you're in....how far will you extend yourself to reach out to another human? For some of us (the ones in denial) we don't have time or money, we say we know we could never love someone not blood related. We like things just the way they are. But there is a hole there that only a child can fill. Fill it up! Fill it to overflowing! You'd be surprised at how your world will change.....surprise yourself by changing the world for a child who needs you. Offer yourself up to changing something for someone else. And let your heart overflow. Because if YOU don't.....who will?

Happy Songkran!

Buckets of Hope

By now I'm pretty sure we would be back....well, Brooke and I would be back. I came home with Tom and Cody back in December. Did I want to leave Brooke in Thailand? I don't even know how to answer that anymore. The good thing is we're home.....the bad thing is, we're home without Brooke. Still. I have finished the story about it. About our trip. I won't post it here as it's waaaay too long but when I find out if it will be published anywhere I where post the information here. I think I will call the story Buckets of Hope. My bucket isn't full of hope any longer....actually most of that hope is dead. But there is still that small glimmer, the one itty bitty fleck, that says one day Brooke will come home.