I know you've heard the phrase "Time heals all things." Or someone has said to you "just give it time!" Well, sometimes that's true, and sometimes that works. I liken it more to a scab, and then later a scar. It's still there and a constant reminder but at least most of the pain is gone. If you scratch at the scab or you stretch or tear the scar it can be painful and make you not want to experience it again! There are so many of us who are ready to jump back in and risk making another scar all for the sake of loving another human being.
Some days I feel that bitter lump in my throat and remind myself I am soooo over Brooke's selfishness. And then I turn right around and give myself a mental slap across the cheek and laugh about it all. Brooke is my daughter and I love her so much. It's unfortunate she's chosen a while longer in Thailand and I am no longer reaching so hard for the goal of her coming home. Obviously, that's what I would love most of all! To have my kiddo back here where I can help her grow and learn and maybe one day be successful and independent and I can see her often. But I have stopped holding on to that dream. Instead, I want to shift focus to what she will do for her livelihood. Naturally, I'd like to walk with her on that journey but it would prove difficult with me here and her there! I hope when that time comes God will make a pathway so well lit we cannot miss it! A place for her to live, a job, maybe even a mentor :)
For a year now we've not sent anything to Brooke. Nothing beyond emails to our friends there and emails to the head social worker at the orphanage passing on messages. I have felt awful about it! I have felt selfish and embarassed at my behavior and then God gives me peace and tells me I've done the right thing. I am trying to decide what to send her for Christmas that she won't be able to sell for more rice (that she doesn't need since she's a large girl!) or something no one would be interested in taking from her. I think a letter and a notebook and colored pencils with a new photo album....full of pictures of the family she's missing out on "back home". Maybe when the time comes for her to graduate we can be there for her, just like I would for any of my kids. And one day she will either fit us in to her life, or we will fit her back in to ours. Either way, I miss my girl.
On a lighter note, Aniah is a charming little devil! She has pulled the wool over many a babysitter's eyes! Funny and intelligent, naughty and quite the mess-maker, we couldn't imagine not having her racing through the house yelling something hilarious. It's hard to believe she's 3 now, and even harder to believe we adopted her over a year ago! I am still in disbelief we actually adopted and finalized and still have our kid hahaha
And I can't leave a note behind without mentioning Cody. She's learned so much through us, not all of it good I'm sure, but I have tried to be the best Mother I can be to her. She's quirky and fun to be around and I love the fact that she enjoys school so very much. She makes good grades and has fun in everything she does. Sometimes people ask her how she feels about foster care and adoption. She teases and says she could do without her baby sister but we know their love/hate relationship is more about love and tolerance than anything else. It can't be easy being 10 years older than your sister! And she misses her big sister but she's learned to accept it and move forward. Cody is not only my daughter, but my friend as well and we enjoy spending time together. Always up for excitement and adventure.....that's my Cody :)
