Lack of Identity

Probably I shouldn't write posts when I'm still going through the anger phase. Already past grieving, and on the verge of forgiveness, I am a lost woman. I am lost in the sense that I no longer feel any sort of identity. I've been a foster parent for 12 years and suddenly I no longer know who I am or what I should be doing. I wander aimlessly, doing housework intermittently and making sure my two girls get to their activities. After years of purpose in something bigger than myself I have no other work left to look forward to.

A couple weeks ago we went through an investigation for allegations of abuse regarding an adult still in foster care but not living in our home. We haven't received the official letter yet but we are aware the allegations will be unfounded. We've been through allegations before but it's never gotten to this level. It's helpful though, that this particular person has a criminal record and a history of some pretty extravagant lies. Allegations of abuse are serious, even the unfounded dog abuse allegations we suffered through years ago were no laughing matter. No one should take these things lightly and we appreciated the investigator doing her job. Burn out and lies play a heavy toll and we are no longer licensed to provide foster care.

We had considered dropping our foster care license 2 years ago. We were experiencing burn out, tired of feeling used and less than human. Tired of being damaged by the system over and over. It's not just the kids who walk away hurt and untrusting. Adults often come away from the attachment to the kids, the court proceedings, and the lies and deceit with alot less faith in the system. We experience splash-back trauma for years, and then walk back into society's version of normal life with skewed perspectives and the ability to distrust everyone around us. We've learned to manipulate and control. We've learned that families aren't forever. We've learned to rely on social workers who don't always care. But mostly we've learned to love children we never expected to love.

They've walked through our home as packaged disasters and walked away knowing what unconditional love and safety look like. They've learned that Moms cry with you when you're sad and hurt, and Dads teach you to work hard for the things you want in life. Sisters teach you how to climb trees and the real meaning behind snack and homework time. Grandparents send surprises and dish out hugs to even the most unlovable boys and girls, breaking down barriers and building a firm foundation for healthy emotions. And family means we are one unit and we work together until we trust and love and depend on each other.

I feel like an old woman reminiscing over the years, looking back on the children I've parented and the ones I've wished for. I could stay bitter just as I am now, although I know it wont last. I could hold on to the anger and frustration at the things I've lost, lash out at the person who hurt me. Or I can remember the journey and smile with a sparkle in my eye at the things I have experienced and the hearts I've held close to me. I expect to feel the loss for quite some time and I expect to feel the emptiness until something else fills the gap.

Will we ever foster again? I don't know if that road will ever circle back around. Will we go on to adopt? I'd like to think so. Certainly, we will continue saving and fundraising toward that goal, knowing there is a little boy or even brothers just waiting for us to welcome them home.

Will we ever be the same? I hope not. I want to know I've gained a greater understanding of human emotions, a different way to see the world, and the discernment to know when it's time to do something great with my life. As for my lack of identity I wonder if God is shaping me for something huge. He's instilled in me the knowledge and experience to do amazing things for Him. I've always thought of myself as "A Foster Parent". Maybe that's in the way now.

What's next for us? I have no idea. But I'll reach out and grab onto the next adventure just as soon as God says "I choose you."