That moment when they pull the plug....

So there I was. Bawling like a baby in her studio, wishing I was well rested and not emotional, but I was at least thrilled to be there! It was a beautiful studio and I had prayed hard for a place just like this one.

After I decided to do a painting fundraiser and a cooking fundraiser, I put the word out looking for a location for each class. It wasn't long and a friend suggested a professional artist nearby. I contacted her, she seemed thrilled to help, and we set up a time to meet. I held it together pretty well until we started talking about Brooke. My heart crumbled and when the first tear fell I just couldn't hold it all back. After a while we were able to talk quite a bit about how many people the studio would hold, she wanted to advertise on the sign out front to get more interest in the class, I already had an artist willing to donate her time to teach the class, and I felt so blessed by all the things happening at once! The studio owner seemed excited and ready to move forward and she asked if she could donate all the supplies we would need! My heart was ready to explode! These are things I read about in magazines and inspirational books and blogs, articles sent out in newletters from adoption agencies. Not only was she donating the studio space and helping advertise, but she wanted to supply us with everything we needed! She said we shouldn't have to pay anything out.....simply apply the profits to our adoption savings. She asked that I get a blanket non-profit organization to oversee the fundraiser and I was a bit confused about that but I left that place with the biggest smile on my face. I cried again on the way home celebrating God's heart for orphans. It wouldn't be long and we would be bringing our little boy home.

I checked with the first non-profit and after waiting almost 2 weeks they said no. I asked a friend who had already told me he would help in that area and he was very generous in offering the non-profit usage. The studio owner was requesting a meeting with the non-profit manager and my artist so we bounced a bucket load of emails back and forth until we were able to set up the time and place a week and a half out. I was nervous and excited! I had begun to think of other advertising strategies and I was diligently spreading the word to friends and family.... Our first big fundraiser would be happening around the first of June!!!

And then.....well, you've heard the saying "Pulled the rug out from under me".

The studio owner backed out the day before the meeting. She said the building owners weren't comfortable with my fundraiser. I think because she wasn't emotionally invested she couldn't advocate for us. I felt like I had stayed in contact and worked so hard for weeks to get the non-profit piece. I had turned my week upside down setting up the meeting, had put so much heart and soul into a place where my faith was already small. I had literally wasted weeks. My heart was so broken! How does this happen? How do you put so much into something that means the world and then someone just....pulls the plug! I fell into a fog and didn't really care what happened then. Maybe it was all a huge mistake. Maybe we aren't meant to adopt. That night I prayed for God to take away my desire to adopt. It would just be so much easier if I had absolutely no desire to adopt ever again! Telling myself constantly that it was a stupid idea and I don't even like children wasn't really working though.

My artist is still on board and can't wait to teach the class. I have taken quite a few steps backward, to the very start of this idea. Weeks and even months wasted with planning and falling apart, back to square one. I'm trying to patch my heart back together but I am still so bummed it's proving difficult. And the desire is still there. This awful desire I can't get to go away. I can't make it leave. It would make life so much easier if it would just quit, just go away. I DON'T WANT TO ADOPT! But it isn't working and it's still there and I'm still wishing and dreaming. I keep getting these horrible newsletters from agencies, reminders that children are still waiting. I keep getting photo listings that I want to unsubscribe from but I just can't. They're in my thoughts and in my dreams. They're all still waiting. There are thousands and thousands of orphans, we have 4 empty beds and room in our hearts..... and they're still waiting. And I don't know what to do from here. I don't know if I can put my tiny faith back out there in hopes someone will snatch it up and build on it. I feel drained and helpless. But certainly not as helpless as my son....who is still waiting for me to throw myself together and come for him.

Another Day, Another Dollar.....

Or another 17 cents. That's the only change I had left over from today. Disappointing, but my little International Adoption store is open! See it at http://www.flickr.com/photos/adopt/ It's called JourneyToYou and I'm super excited about it! I have already sold $129 worth of items from Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Uganda and Thailand. I need to locate some more items to add to my store.

The world keeps turning and I just keep seeing these cute little faces I want to call my own! And some faces that are not so little. We have inquired about some waiting kids.... 3 teenagers in different states. It's always such a gamble when you delve into the world of waiting children. With domestic/private, you fill out forms and pay ridiculous sums of money hoping for a healthy baby. You make a photo album and you wait for a birth mother to choose your family. Sometimes it's a matter of weeks and sometimes it's a matter of years. With International, you fill out gobs of paperwork, pay gobs of money, get matched with a child and you wait. Could be months. Could be a year or 2. But then there's the U.S. foster system. It should be stable. It should be text book. And it should be encouraging. Instead, I almost dread it. We inquired about more than 200 children in a 10 year period. We fostered 48 children until Aniah came along, 9 years after we started foster care hoping to adopt. I don't want to wait another 9 years to adopt again! International adoption is much more appealing to me than the foster system. The waiting child program in America is a lovely idea and I'm sure it works well for some families. Obviously, it hasn't worked well for us so I am hesitant to throw all our eggs in one basket and hope for the best. I'd much rather choose an agency, pay the fees and do the paperwork, knowing we will soon be matched with a child! I want the entire process! I want the steps and the wait (short wait please!), the excitement and the thought process and all the questions! How old is he? Does he have any special needs? What is his educational background (behavioral, environmental etc)? How did he end up as an orphan? Does he have siblings? And what are his likes and dislikes? But most of all.....when can we meet our son?

(Sigh)

So, I am saving and praying and hoping. I have to believe! "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened".

Wishes and Dreams

     I tried so hard not to let a single tear escape my eyes last Sunday during the service at church. The preacher talked about making wishes and what they were intended for and what we planned to do with the wish if it was granted. Ooooooh he had no idea that what he was talking about would have such an impact to me! And today only seemed like reinforcement.

     When we brought Brooke home from Thailand so many years ago we had hoped our next adoption would be a little boy. Last year we adopted Aniah and I have hoped for that little boy all along. It seemed my dream extended out a bit to include a special needs boy or brothers from Taiwan. International adoption is sooooo expensive and we know there is no way we can afford to do it again. But God can! Last Sunday morning I sat in that seat at church and made a birthday wish.....last Sunday was my birthday and although I had no cake or candles I felt I was still allowed a wish. I remember one time as a child I wished we would stop moving so I could make friends. Little did I know, God intended for me to be married before I could stop moving all over the United States! My husband was tailor made to provide stability and security for me. I figure wishes do come true after all because I have so many friends it still amazes me!

     I know the sermon was geared toward Christmas but wouldn't it have double significance if it was my birthday too?! So I bowed my head and closed my eyes and with a smile I asked God for a son (or sons!). I don't know what His answer will be, I just know my own heart and what I desire most.

     When we got back from Thailand almost a year ago I began saving change to adopt again. I have such a small amount saved that at times it's so discouraging. And then I perk up and think "Well, I have enough to pay for the application to an adoption agency!" I began asking friends to donate things I can sell to help fund our adoption. We have recieved items from Thailand, Finland, Pakistan, Ghana, some Native American items, and some beaded spoons and wishing jars I have made myself. I am hoping to start a blog with the items for sale to help fund our adoption of a special needs boy or boys from Taiwan.

     So close your eyes and smile..... and make a WISH! Merry Christmas, everyone. May all your dreams come true :)
    

Just a little Time

     I know you've heard the phrase "Time heals all things." Or someone has said to you "just give it time!" Well, sometimes that's true, and sometimes that works. I liken it more to a scab, and then later a scar. It's still there and a constant reminder but at least most of the pain is gone. If you scratch at the scab or you stretch or tear the scar it can be painful and make you not want to experience it again! There are so many of us who are ready to jump back in and risk making another scar all for the sake of loving another human being.

     Some days I feel that bitter lump in my throat and remind myself I am soooo over Brooke's selfishness. And then I turn right around and give myself a mental slap across the cheek and laugh about it all. Brooke is my daughter and I love her so much. It's unfortunate she's chosen a while longer in Thailand and I am no longer reaching so hard for the goal of her coming home. Obviously, that's what I would love most of all! To have my kiddo back here where I can help her grow and learn and maybe one day be successful and independent and I can see her often. But I have stopped holding on to that dream. Instead, I want to shift focus to what she will do for her livelihood. Naturally, I'd like to walk with her on that journey but it would prove difficult with me here and her there! I hope when that time comes God will make a pathway so well lit we cannot miss it! A place for her to live, a job, maybe even a mentor :)

     For a year now we've not sent anything to Brooke. Nothing beyond emails to our friends there and emails to the head social worker at the orphanage passing on messages. I have felt awful about it! I have felt selfish and embarassed at my behavior and then God gives me peace and tells me I've done the right thing. I am trying to decide what to send her for Christmas that she won't be able to sell for more rice (that she doesn't need since she's a large girl!) or something no one would be interested in taking from her. I think a letter and a notebook and colored pencils with a new photo album....full of pictures of the family she's missing out on "back home". Maybe when the time comes for her to graduate we can be there for her, just like I would for any of my kids. And one day she will either fit us in to her life, or we will fit her back in to ours. Either way, I miss my girl.

     On a lighter note, Aniah is a charming little devil! She has pulled the wool over many a babysitter's eyes! Funny and intelligent, naughty and quite the mess-maker, we couldn't imagine not having her racing through the house yelling something hilarious. It's hard to believe she's 3 now, and even harder to believe we adopted her over a year ago! I am still in disbelief we actually adopted and finalized and still have our kid hahaha

     And I can't leave a note behind without mentioning Cody. She's learned so much through us, not all of it good I'm sure, but I have tried to be the best Mother I can be to her. She's quirky and fun to be around and I love the fact that she enjoys school so very much. She makes good grades and has fun in everything she does. Sometimes people ask her how she feels about foster care and adoption. She teases and says she could do without her baby sister but we know their love/hate relationship is more about love and tolerance than anything else. It can't be easy being 10 years older than your sister! And she misses her big sister but she's learned to accept it and move forward. Cody is not only my daughter, but my friend as well and we enjoy spending time together. Always up for excitement and adventure.....that's my Cody :)

Waiting to gain some ground

Brooke is bored. I'm pretty sure that's all there is to it. She has asked to return to us and the social worker at the orphanage wants to know what our plan is. Well the plan has already come in to play....and passed. The opportunity is gone. We leaned on our friends and family and the money we had saved, made it to Thailand, survived a month, and came home empty handed and grieving. I don't know any other way to express to Brooke that we cannot just show up back over there and entertain her for a while until she tells us to leave because she's changed her mind once again. We can't go back hoping she will follow through....again. Have we been through this recently? Yep. I don't think my heart can take it and I am becoming bitter about the whole thing. I want to tell her to grow up but I don't know if she will ever be capable of growing that far, retaining that much about the love and committment other people share. So many families, so many Moms, put everything out there in the hopes we will be loved in return. Some people are not capable of loving anyone or anything. Others love back with a fierceness. Which one are you?

I have loved and been loved in return. It's addictive! It makes you feel wonderful, on top of the world! I want to adopt again. I think Tom has been so hurt and he's just so tired that he can't go through it all again. He goes along with the things I say but I don't think he really hears them, when it's foster or adoption related. He keeps making comments about adopting one more "and just being done". Sometimes I feel the same way and sometimes I KNOW there is a child or children out there who need us and I just can't let that go. Maybe by the time I have enough money saved to adopt again we will be healed enough to move forward.....gain some ground. Foster care and adoption are ministries and the more people we touch the more children will find families....the more families will find children! You don't have to birth a child to call him or her your own. You didn't birth your spouse or friends, did you? Yet you still love your spouse (I hope!!!) and you still help your friends when they need you! Children are vulnerable creatures, and they are our next generation. What will you do to let them know you care? What will you do to take part in the next generation? Will you let them fall by the side, trampled and fading, invisible and hurting? Or will you jump in, join an organization that makes a difference, donate money and time to provide medical care or education or even love to a child who needs it? Will you be one of the few who brings a child into your home to provide love, shelter, food and family? How far can you stretch your comfy little box you're in....how far will you extend yourself to reach out to another human? For some of us (the ones in denial) we don't have time or money, we say we know we could never love someone not blood related. We like things just the way they are. But there is a hole there that only a child can fill. Fill it up! Fill it to overflowing! You'd be surprised at how your world will change.....surprise yourself by changing the world for a child who needs you. Offer yourself up to changing something for someone else. And let your heart overflow. Because if YOU don't.....who will?

Happy Songkran!

Buckets of Hope

By now I'm pretty sure we would be back....well, Brooke and I would be back. I came home with Tom and Cody back in December. Did I want to leave Brooke in Thailand? I don't even know how to answer that anymore. The good thing is we're home.....the bad thing is, we're home without Brooke. Still. I have finished the story about it. About our trip. I won't post it here as it's waaaay too long but when I find out if it will be published anywhere I where post the information here. I think I will call the story Buckets of Hope. My bucket isn't full of hope any longer....actually most of that hope is dead. But there is still that small glimmer, the one itty bitty fleck, that says one day Brooke will come home.

The countdown begins! Almost.....

We're sooooo close to traveling to Thailand. I cannot wait to see my oldest daughter! It seems we've been apart for a century, but it's been one thousand five hundred sixty seven days. A century to me! A lifetime for her! In another 41 days she will turn 20 years old. An adult according to Thai standards. Will we face opposition from Thailand? Will the United States grant Brooke's Visa back to America? How much longer must she wait to be back in our family again?

One week ago today

It's been a whole week! A week and 9 hours actually, since we were sitting in a courtroom saying yes to our Judge. Aniah is our little girl now! October 12, 2011 we finalized her adoption! My heart has been so full I think I forgot that Aniah gets a bit snotty. She's playing 2-year-old today and giving me fits haha! But now it's almost ok because I get to say "I'm the Mom". Cody loves being a big sister and Aniah follows closely behind Co-Co. I was watching them out the window today and Tom was making some loud noise in the garage. Cody took a few steps back and encouraged Aniah to get back and stay safe. Aniah ran super fast and hid behind Cody! I loved watching them! She's a handful, but she's my youngest daughter. Yes, finally....Aniah is my daughter.

Aniah

I just realized that I hadn't updated everyone on our current adoption! Aniah came to live with us at 7 months of age. We have had her as part of our family for over a year now and we are headed straight toward adoption! She is finally legally free and we have a permanancy worker assigned. God knew we needed someone organized and prompt so He gave us Meredith. We've worked with Meredith in the past for some other foster kiddos we had and when we found out she was in the adoption unit we begged to have her for our worker! Families don't usually get to choose who they work with, luck-of-the-draw sorta, when you are assigned a worker.

Meredith will be writing the child study on Aniah while our worker is doing an update on our home study. We will need some paperwork and a few meetings before we can set an adoption date. We're hoping to have Aniah adopted by her second birthday in September.

And now we get the pleasure of choosing her name!

Guessing Game

6 months, 27 days. And Brooke will be 20 years old. In Thailand a 20 year old is suddenly an adult. Not a moment before. And suddenly, what will she do? Where will she go? If she were alone in the world she would walk out of the orphanage with no where to go and no one to go to. It wouldn't be long though, before someone snatched her up! She would likely become a prostitute or some other similar sort of slave. Her life expectance would be shortened, either by violence or disease.

But Brooke is not alone in the world. There are so many people who care about her! I want to step outside and scream "Brooke! I'm coming! Dad and I are coming!" So soon too! But so far away. I can handle how far away when I think of time. The ones that are driving me insane are money and Visa.

We don't know what Visa to apply for. We don't know when we should apply for it. It's nearly $400 for the one we think will work for her. Another $400 for the waiver. Then how will we get there? How will we get her home?

If we choose a certain path and it's the wrong one, we've just wasted so much time and money. What a gamble we're taking just in considering the type of Visa to apply for! My chest constricts and it becomes hard to breathe when I think of any of the things that could go wrong here.

We are interested in fundraisers but we can't do this all on our own. Esther is helping with one and we are so excited she's sacrificing so much for us! What a caring and compassionate person she is and I thank God for her being a part of our lives.

Another Year Gone By

I was reminded just tonight that another year has passed. I dislike the title to this post because it sounds so negative, when in fact, we feel so positive! Less than a year left to go, and our daughter will be able to come home again! It's exciting and uncertain and I must admit how afraid I am. Afraid something will go wrong, afraid of everything I guess. How will we get her Visa? What Visa should we apply for? What if they won't give it?

But I keep reminding myself.....IN LESS THAN A YEAR I WILL BE SEEING MY CHILD AGAIN! Yes, she's 19 now. Yes, she will be 20 in less than a year. And yes, when your child grows up and becomes an adult, she's still your child!

This time around I know I am her Mom. This time around I won't be afraid to hug her, to touch her face, to marvel in amazement that God would smile down on me in such a way! We have had the opportunity to parent 40 children in 8 short years. We don't know what the next 8 years will be like but Brooke will be a part of our home again.

If Brooke were to come home now, she would be sharing a room with Cody. She would hold our baby and laugh out loud! Brooke asked for a baby sister and we are hoping to adopt our foster baby sometime in 2011. Brooke will also have a sister closer to her age. Our oldest foster daughter is 16. Four girls! 19, 16, 11 and 1! Maybe sometime we should think about adopting a boy just so Tom doesn't feel so lonely in the world haha!

We would love to make our trip to Thailand into a mission trip. In my dreams I have often thought of renting a place and hosting mission groups over a period of 3 months. I can see us working in the orphanages and visiting missionaries, helping them and walking beside them.

Pray with us. Pray the money comes for us to go to Thailand next Winter. Pray we apply for the correct Visa, pray things go smoothly and most of all pray for guidance!

18

Yeah, Brooke is 18 now. Are we any closer to bringing her home? Not that I know of. Maybe someone knows something I don't. At this point, having our daughter back home would the Christmas present of a lifetime! We miss our girl so much. Her birthday came and went with no news as to if they will let her return now or not. We have sent emails and letters and lately a picture of us. We want them to see us as real people. Real people, a real family, missing a vital part of the puzzle. Missing a family member.

I guess Brooke is ok. We haven't heard much lately. It sure beats going months upon months and not hearing anything at all. That happened last year and nearly drove me nuts!

Brooke....where are you and what are you doing right this moment? Do you think of us? We miss you and we think of you every single day. Not a day goes by we don't think of you and wish you were back here with us. We know one day we'll be a whole family again....but my patience wears thin lately.

Another Year Gone By

It was a pretty rough day today. Sunday, July 5th, 2009 marked 2 years since we last saw our daughter, Brooke. Naturally, all day long today I've thought of nothing else. I've thought of all the things I could've done differently. All the things I wanted to say to her. I count the months until she turns 18, wondering if they will let her come home then. Will they make her wait until she's 20? What will we need to do to get our child back? When will that day come?

She has asked when we will come visit her. We thought about when we should go but then we changed our minds about going. How much harder would it be to walk away from her when our time is up and we have to leave Thailand?! We would be walking away from our daughter, leaving her behind. And the grief and frustration and depression would begin again. But is it so much better to not see her at all? My emotions are torn. Tears have stayed pooled in my eyes since yesterday. If we go to visit Brooke, will they let us see her? Would they release her to come home to us? So many questions and no answers to any of them.

Another year has passed.

I Think I Lost something

Ever have that feeling? The feeling that you lost something? I did. I don't know what it is though. Today we had an interview scheduled with someone from the foster care system to talk about a child we had in our home last year. They apparently drew the child's name for a random audit of a local county and we just happened to be the foster family involved. At first I didn't know what it was they wanted but they wanted to talk about this wonderful kiddo we'd had in our home. We wanted to keep her. She was amazing and we fell completely in love with her. She fit well in our home and said she could get used to staying there. But, the county reunified her with her Mom. It broke our hearts but we moved on. Or so I thought. Guess I didn't move on as much as I thought I did.

During the interview they asked questions about the services we received from the county, who was in charge of transportation, how did I feel about the bio family, etc. It brought back alot of feelings I thought I had dealt with. At the end of the interview they asked if I had anything else to say. I was stunned for a moment but said "If she is back in foster care, we want her back!" They said they couldn't give any information away but would relay our request on to the worker who had the case. It doesn't mean we get this child back....it just means someone knows how strongly we felt about her.

I got off the phone and wandered around the house for a bit. I made lunch for our foster kids, washed some dishes, did some laundry. About 30 minutes later I realized how dumb it was to wash dishes....we have a dishwasher. But I just needed something to do. I need to take my mind off of it all!

We've been foster parents for 7 years now. We've had 26 kids. None of our foster kids have been available for adoption. We're at this point now where we're wondering "What next? What should we do now?" We feel like we've lost so much, so many children have come through our home. Some of them have had greater needs than others, a few we've wanted so badly to keep! Somehow we've moved on after they've gone, moved on to the next group, the next challenge, the next risk.

We went to a training a couple weeks ago. We all thought this particular training should've been part of our licensing 7 years ago. The training covered the court process and trauma. I think the most shocking realization was the part on vicarious trauma. Splash-back trauma. I think I'm carrying so much of that around! At this point though, I'm pretty sure it will always be a part of me. I don't want any more though. I can't take much more of the splash back from the kids we have through our home. They tell awful things that happened to them, looking at me to fix it all. The talk about the hurt they're going through, the loss they feel, the fear they experience. I take it all in, absorb it all, and spit back out love and affection, safety and a feeling of confidence to go on and face the world every day. While at the same time I feel all this loss and anger, grief and fear and pain and sorrow. On the outside it's a happy-shiny face but on the inside I am screaming! We are considering quitting foster care soon, so we can heal from all the grief and loss we've experienced second-hand from our foster children, and the grief and loss we still carry from our own first-hand experience.

We started out 7 years ago with the intent to adopt from the foster system. When that wasn't working we saw a child on a listing and we felt our hearts go out to her, beginning a life-long journey to adopt Brooke. We will probably have the longest-awaited adoption on record haha! After Brooke was gone we waited a while and then went back to fostering hoping this time around we would run across a group of kids who would become available for adoption. We're still waiting....although these days I am pretty impatient! I don't know how much longer I can wait. Life hasn't been what I thought it would be, it hasn't taken the turns I expected. Nearly every day my foster daughter shouts "That's not fair!" about something. I tell her "whoever said life IS fair?" Guess I need to practice what I preach.

I've been learning some things lately. We began inquiring into International programs, just considering maybe sometime in the future we could try again. A few of the social workers I have spoken to have said the foster system is so messed up we will never be able to adopt from the United States. One person said they tried for a long time and gave up. Another person said it was pointless to keep wasting time. Some friends of ours are trying to adopt a baby....they've been waiting for about a year already. At church we have the Mini Heart Gallery set up and alot of people have been looking at the kids available there. One lady said "I don't know why on earth people would want to adopt from a foreign country! Just look at these children right here in Colorado!" I didn't have the heart to laugh and say good luck trying to adopt from here! Instead I said "Is it a child's fault that he or she is born half a world away?" She lightly gasped and said "wow, I never thought of it that way. It isn't any of their fault at all that they are orphaned or in foster care." Right, it's not their fault. So why is social services punishing them, making them wait so long for a family? Some people we know of were adopting from foster care. They have had the children well over a year now. Suddenly, social services decided not to let the children be adopted. They're babies! This is the only family they have ever known! How do we fix such a broken system? Why does social services take children away, put them in a foster home, tell them they're going to find a family for them and then blow off every inquiry from families interested! It's crazy how many workers we call or email who never call us back, never bother to email. Another interesting thing I have noticed is how many times a worker will say "we've decided to go a different route with this child" and a year later the child is still waiting, still hoping for a permanent family. Someone told me a while back "America is the greatest country on earth!" I really want someone to prove that to me....and I want them to start with our next generation. The generation they are leaving in foster care, where every day they could be living with a Mom and a Dad and a Sister, but instead they are in foster care or a group home wondering if anyone thinks about them, if anyone feels they are worthy enough for a family.

Just my two cents. Sorry I went flying off the handle there for a bit! But while I was typing all that, I realized what I lost. It was a little piece of me. I lost a piece of me the day my daughter was born. She carries it with her every day and I don't think she even realizes it. I lost another piece when Brooke went away. And still yet another piece has gone with this child who left our home last year and went back to her bio parent....only to move farther away to another state. Every time a child leaves a piece of me is affected. I don't know how many pieces of me are left whole and how many are even ME anymore. I think maybe I am more someone else than myself now.

I want to end on a good note though. We have gone ahead and inquired about 3 kids. We had a list of about a dozen but have narrowed it down (2 children were already placed when we inquired, another one will be emancipating soon from her foster placement, and so on....). I can't say I have too many feelings about the wait right now. I have been burnt so many times, hurt too many times to name. I've felt lost and confused and angry, frustrated and crushed. I want to get excited about these kids we've inquired about but I am so afraid we will hear NO once again. So afraid they will tell us "We've decided to place this child with a local family in our state" or "This child is not yet ready to be adopted. We'll let you know when she is." But we're still trying. Still pushing! They are all girls, in 3 different states, 3 different ages. Beautiful smiles, challenging personalities/behaviors/needs. We feel like we can parent them! We feel up to the challenge if only we were given the chance.

After loosing so much, I have also gained alot of knowledge. Not real sure what to do with it all though! It makes me feel good that I can inspire others to want to adopt or foster. It is a great feeling to know I've helped other families onto the path of adoption. You know that saying "3 times a bridesmaid, never a bride" ? Well, I feel like that. I feel like I have been lucky enough to parent 26 kids, I really shouldn't ask for more out of life.

So, I wait and pray God wants to place more kids in our home. I just hope He wants to place them here permanently! My revolving door of foster care is starting to squeek!

What Happens Next?

So, we had set a goal to begin contacting immigration attorneys about Brooke's return to America. We were going to begin looking for Visa help in January but I just couldn't wait. I started looking last week.

We contacted two attorneys to begin with. One is local and seems interested but wants to review some laws first and will get back to us this week. Another is in a different state but speaks Thai. He asked some questions and i've not heard back. We're nervous of course and sure this will cost a fortune....but this is our child! We want our daughter back!

We've talked alot about our future trip to Thailand and wonder what that will look like. Will things be in order when it's time to go? Will things be in order over there so that Brooke will be released? Are they going to give us trouble at the last moment? How long will we need to be there? Will she still want to come home? So many more thoughts....but I just have a hard time putting words to it all. In Psalms David said "Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely." This is my prayer most days when I just have no words.

The Countdown

Tomorrow is Brooke's birthday. Well actually it is right now since they are half a day ahead of us in time. We sent her a birthday package but I am thinking it won't make it in time due to all the flights in and out of Thailand being cancelled right now. There have been bombs and people being shot in Thailand for the past two weeks. I have had panicky moments quite a few times in the past week! Is Brooke safe? I have no way of knowing.

We've lost a bit of contact over the last 7 months. Brooke doesn't read or write well enough to respond to any letters we've sent. There is no one who will take the time to write us a letter or email to let us know how she is. Our one contact is a very busy lady and we don't want to inconvenience her....although I often sit sifting through my email ...rolling my mouse up and down just hoping I have missed an email from someone who has seen or spoken to Brooke.

So, tomorrow is Brooke's birthday. Although I am terribly sad my oldest daughter is not here so that I can make her a cake and takes pictures of her opening presents....I will celebrate in my heart all day tomorrow.....knowing it is the start of the end....the countdown.

Tomorrow Brooke turns 17.

On This Day in History

One year ago today I saw my daughter's face for the last time. By this time a year ago, she was well on her way across the Pacific Ocean heading toward Tokyo and ultimately Thailand. And I was heading back home with Tommy and Cody. We drove away from the airport angry and depressed, sad and confused, and suddenly Cody said "Mom! Wait! Stop, Dad! We forgot Brooke!" We explained it all over again to her, making an attempt to keep from crying while we reminded her that Brooke was going back to Thailand and we were going back home to try to patch our lives back together. Cody began crying and saying "No, she's my sister forever! We have to go back and get her. You told me she was going to stay, Mom! She's not a foster kid, she's my sister!" I had no words for that. I had lied. I had lied to everyone, telling them all that we were adopting Brooke, telling my family they had a new cousin, niece, granddaughter etc.....Telling Cody that Brooke was here forever.

I remind Cody often that Brooke is still her sister. They miss each other so much. We remind each other every day that Brooke is still a member of our family. When I talk to people about our family I tell them I have 2 daughters. Most people don't ask where my other daughter is, but every once in a while someone will say "and where is your oldest daughter?" I tell them she's studying in Thailand, or she lives in a foreign country. It doesn't make me feel any better but it keeps people from asking too many questions, ending in a lengthy story about the hows and whys of Brooke returning to Thailand. Anymore, I don't care to talk about it. I just want people to recognize we are a family of 4, I have 2 daughters, once is 16 and one is 8.

Last weekend, while visiting family in another state, I handed a lady a foster care pin and she asked something about fostering and adoption. When I began talking about fostering, I naturally began talking about adoption. We still want to adopt, we're still searching.....still waiting. As always, Brooke came up in the conversation. I began talking about her and the ladies asked why she had to return because they distantly remembered my family talking about a child who had to return to her native country. I briefly touched on the situation, not wanting to get into too much detail. Then they asked if we were able to contact her. I told them we were expected to maintain contact and we have been, as well as becoming anxious for the day Brooke will turn 18 and can return to us. When I looked up at their faces they were crying. I could no longer hold my own tears back, but at least I remained composed. Unlike other times when I have completely fallen apart.

During my visit with family, we were often introduced to quite a few people in one day. When someone would ask "Is this your only child?" my family would quickly reply "Yes" before I could form my own answer. After a few days of feeling reduced in spirit, I began to interrupt after the answer was already given, replying that I have another daughter by guardianship and she lives in another country right now, but that I have parented 17 children in 6 years. Often, those words would lead to me being able to speak about foster care and adoption and my heart would soar! I felt a sense of protection over all of those children seeking permanent situations, a sense of defense for all of those defenseless children all over the world. And a sense of taking charge for all of those families who want to adopt, all of those Mothers and Fathers whose relatives are against adoption.

My side of the family has been in denial about Brooke since the first day we told them we were adopting her. They told us we should adopt from America. They told us we had no business adopting or even doing foster care for that matter. I think they tolerate us doing foster care but when it comes to making it permanent they balk and become angry. We've been talked about many times, often when they think we have no idea they are talking about us. It's constantly negative and disturbing. They refuse to recognize Brooke, but she will always be a part of us. She has blazed the path for other children coming into our home in the future. Brooke is our hero! She will be a hero to all of our children! All of our foster children, since Brooke has been gone, know about her and think she sounds like a very fun sister. Many of them have wished they could meet her. She's a great kid, funny, smart, silly, interesting, but most of all she's ours.

God knows what He's doing. He has us doing foster care for a reason. Brooke came to us for a short time for a reason. We have learned so many lessons and had so many challenges since we first began the journey to Brooke in 2004. It's not over yet....we are still journeying to her. Every day brings us one day closer to bringing her home. The advantage we have over others adopting from foreign countries is that we know what day our daughter ages out of the system and when we can be there to bring her home!

Yesterday, I was talking to another foster parent about Brooke. We have found some children we are interested in adopting but they are in another state and our agency wants us to look in our state only. I was telling her how excited Brooke will be to come home to more siblings. Brooke had told us before she left that she wanted sisters. She said "Mom, baby girl, no boys!" I laughed and said no babies! haha! She would be happy no matter what. What a beautiful spirit my daughter has! Both of my girls have these beautiful, exciting spirits that pull mine to the surface and they help my personal sun shine bright every day that I think of them. I love my girls so much!

So, it's been a year. A year today. I know I will see her again, I just wish it was sooner rather than later! Last year started out rocky and ended on a sad and lonely note. This year started out hopeful. We are dying to go see Brooke, but ticket prices to fly there are so crazy right now, there is just no way we can do it. We're hoping by the end of the year to be holding our daughters in our arms and celebrating our little family, if only for a little while. Cody can't wait to see her big sister, and I can't wait to watch them together. Brooke, we miss you, hunny! And we love you so much!

Can't Let Go

Since December we've had 7 foster kids. None have been available for adoption of course.....so we're still looking. Our homestudy is sent out on a couple sibling groups. We keep praying for the right kids....

I have learned so many lessons over the last year and a half. Patience is at the top! Our family has grown closer, and we've grown closer to our church as well. We started a foster and adoption ministry at church back in October and one family is in the process of adopting a baby, while 2 other families are seriously considering fostering and adopting from the foster system! I'm so excited that God has used me to bring home more children! What an honor to be that kind of tool!

The foster kids we have now are challenging but I feel like i'm doing my part to make the world a safer place for these kids. Just this morning my little 3 year old was singing a Christian rock song she has heard on my vehicle radio several times - "Can't get away, can't get away, I keep running into you!" I started singing it w/ her and her 2 year old sibling began singing it too! It was awesome!

I enrolled one of my foster kids in school on Friday and the bus driver remembered Brooke. She said "Oh, you had another foster kid didn't you? Brooke was her name, right?" I just said yes and smiled. It hurt too much to think of her as temporary.

This month hasn't been easy though. Weekend before last we reunified our 2 foster girls w/ their mom. We miss the older one so much. Cody came to me on Saturday and crawled into my lap and said "Mom, I miss Brooke so much." I guess I just didn't realize that letting our foster daughter go would hurt her so much. I think it was more damaging than I anticipated. Saying Goodbye to our foster daughter just broke open an old wound and made Cody more cautious about loving and attaching to people she wants to care about. She's been clingy and often cries if she sees me volunteering at school. She says "Mom, I just can't let you go. What if I loose you? What if something happens to you? I can't live without you!" The tears surface in my eyes but I push them away and take the role of solid rock. I giggle and tickle her and hug her, and I tell her I love her and if something happens to me then Dad will pick her up from school. Then I give her a huge smile and tell her I want to see her happy....I want to see her smiling and enjoying school and her friends. She usually walks away sporting the most fake smile i've ever seen.....just to make me happy. When I leave the school I usually cry all the way home. But at the end of the day when I pick her up from karate she's so excited to see me it makes me want to cry all over again.


So, I sit here, looking at postings of available children and praying God brings our kids to us soon. At the same time I'm thinking this year is going by so slowly, I wish it would go by faster. Every day brings me one step closer to bringing Brooke home.

Again.

Today....I Miss You

Today, I miss you. Yesterday, I missed you too. Tomorrow won't change the way I feel. I thought after a while the hole in my heart would heal but it's still there and only you can fill it.

I thought I would write this post to Brooke. So many posts are just ramblings but this one is for Brooke. I don't know if you'll ever read it....but it's here for you when you are able.

Today I was thinking so much about you. I think it means you must be thinking about me too, or at least I would like to believe that! I was going to close this blog and call it complete but I know it's not. This blog is an adoption story....a journey of adoption. It was meant to be yours but I think I can say it's become too big. It's become a story of our family. It started as a journey to you and I am hoping it will continue with your journey back to us. As we go along in life we're all growing and changing. You may be half a world away, but you're still so much a part of our family.....you're a daughter and a sister, a grand-daughter and a niece. Don't ever forget how much we love you! And it's not just me and Dad and Cody....it's everyone! 2 Sets of Grandparents, 5 Great Grand-parents, 20 Aunts and Uncles, 9 Cousins, and countless Great-Aunts and Great-Uncles and an extended network of more distant cousins! They are all here....loving you and waiting for your return one day.

Brooke, I don't know how I have survived this last year. God has provided my sanity because I had none of my own left! It was about a year ago that we first heard that Thailand wanted you returned to them. It was a confusing time and a heartbreaking year.......looking back over the last several months we've still been confused and brokenhearted! I would like to say we've moved on, and in a way we have, but it doesn't mean that we don't wish we could redo alot of things. We often think of ways we could have run away and taken you with us.....or gone to Thailand with you and begged them to let us keep you. At the time it was a difficult decision to make but the one we made protected us all. The decision we made separated us....and it hurt...but we knew one day we could be together again. There were just too many people against us, too many people in authority making decisions without even knowing us. Without even knowing you, without knowing or even caring what you wanted.

The world is still turning, and like i've said before, we're turning with it now. For a long time we felt stale, we felt so empty and dry inside. Without your laughter in our home Cody has had to take up for that! She has had to make us laugh so much more than before. You'd be proud of your little sister! She misses you so much too.

We hope by the time you come home that we've adopted some kids. You always said you wanted more little siblings and Cody says you taught her everything she needs to know about being a big sister. Pray for us, Brooke. Ask Jesus to bring the right kids along for our family, the right siblings for you and Cody. I love you hunny.....we miss you so much! Sleep well, study hard in school.....take good care of yourself....We love getting your letters and pictures so write again when you get the chance.

Love,
Mom

Robots and Chinese People

When I was young, my Grandmother would brush my hair and exclaim "What have you been sleeping with? Your hair has so many knots and tangles! You must've slept with goblins and black cats and witches and stuff like that in your hair last night!" My Gramma has a southern accent so it sounded especially funny, and of course lots of giggling would follow while she brushed my ratty hair. Somehow it didn't hurt so bad then. A couple weeks ago I was brushing my eight year old daughter's hair and it was so knotted I was desperately trying not to hurt her. We play this little game where I say "owww!" instead of her saying it everytime I hit a snag. I was exclaiming "ow" "ow" nearly every stoke of the hairbrush and she was giggling and then I asked what on earth she'd been sleeping with. She calmly said "Oh, bats and goblins and pumpkins and stuff.....and robots." I was quiet a moment and said "Hmmm, robots, huh?" She'd had this thing for Robots for quite a while and at some point had even called her Uncle and informed him that he'd be driving across the state to visit us and help her make a robot and he'd need to bring the appropriate materials and tools for it. Anyway, aside from that, she said "yes, robots in my hair....and Chinese people." I'm sure the hairbrush paused a moment until I gathered my thoughts and continued. "Uhhh Chinese people?" I was dying to know where this had come from. "Why are there Chinese people in your hair?" And then my 8 year old said "Silly Mom! The Chinese people are building the robots!" I died laughing then and of course she never cracked a smile. But I knew she was laughing too. And of course I began thinking of funny things all of my children have done and said. I've been a foster parent for years and have parented 10 children. One of my foster daughters always did this stupid little rap dance that would have me laughing so hard! She would hike up one pant leg and put a ball cap on sideways, and then begin this little slo-mo spin while singing something stupid. Ahhh.....Funny stuff! And Brooke learned to tell jokes and tease everyone. Sometimes she would pretend something horrible had happened and then when I would come to see what was wrong she would laugh and slap her knee! She was getting better and better at joking and I loved knowing I was a part of it all. Apparently, we enjoy laughter in our home.

Laughter has come hard this year. I've learned to appreciate it and covet it. When one of us laughs these days, we all look at each other and join in. At first, after Brooke was gone, when one of us would laugh, it would be short-lived and shallow. It was almost as if we had signed this contract to laugh at certain times or about certain things but it was all hollow and fake. Slowly, I realized that I needed to laugh and smile. A part of me was missing but a huge part of me was still alive and very much needed to heal. And there was Cody.....she needed so much to see me smile and hear me laugh and act silly again. She began doing funny and silly things just to get me to laugh at her. And I did. Usually I went to my room later and cried, but for a moment I could laugh and feel free from this enormous burden. And then I laughed and it felt real. And then I felt myself smiling and I knew it was real. And I had purpose and resolution.

We think of Brooke every day. We'll never forget her! She's our daughter and always will be a part of our family. This year we'll sign her name on Christmas cards right along beside our names. She'll not have gifts under our tree since we'll be mailing them to her instead. We sent her a birthday package that was difficult to put together. When I gave it to the lady at the post office I proudly announced that it was a birthday gift for my daughter who was away in a foreign country. She took the gift from my hand, noticing how I hesitated to give it to her. It was in that moment that I said a prayer and wrapped the gift in invisible love. No, not invisible.....

So, we're moving on. One step at a time. There have been so many people involved in our healing. All of those friends and family members who have emailed to express their sympathy and love, I can't thank you enough for being behind us all the way. Things are changing in our lives and it's all for good. Back in September/October we started a foster/adoption ministry that's in its infancy but growing quickly. Already, 10 or 11 families have expressed interest in fostering or adopting! One day I'll be able to sit down with Brooke and tell her about all the wonderful things that happened in people's lives all because of her bravery and self-sacrifice!

We're moving forward. We've begun looking at available children. We haven't inquired about any yet but we know there are needy children out there waiting for a family. We hope they like to laugh.....we hope they'll enjoy the outdoors and our many critters. We hope they'll love having a big sister......Brooke always wanted more siblings. And Cody says Brooke taught her everything she needs to know about being a big sister.

The world is still turning, but now we're turning with it. Some days I still struggle with the burden of being "the worst Mom on the planet" but Cody helps me feel pretty awesome. About two weeks ago I walked into the kitchen and she surprised me by saying "Mom, you're the best Mom I have ever heard of! And believe me, I've heard of ALOT of Moms. You make me feel special and you're always there for me. I love you, Mom".