The Insane Waiting Game

Now that something is happening I feel a bit loopy with the wait. I can't help but wonder where our daughter's paperwork is at now, whose hands is it in, when will it arrive. Has it made it out of the orphanage and into the DSDW office? Has it made it from the Orphanage Director to the DSDW Director? Has it made it far enough to already be in the hands of our Thai social worker??? And then I think that there could possibly be something in her file that will make me weep, that will make me wish I had never known, something that will keep me awake long into the night wondering how I can fix it. I always felt that way as a foster parent. Opening, for the first time, the file of a child who just moved into our home. Reading, but not understanding, the horrors that child has faced in just a few short years. What has our new daughter had to go through until we found her? Will this child be different than the others? What will I see? Can I fix it? Where did this crazy idea come from? The idea that I could actually fix something emotionally troubling? I think we've been waiting for our daughter for way too long haha! Gives me too much time to think! I was talking to my mom just yesterday about how well I thrive in a chaotic environment, and she laughed and agreed that I do well. I can't handle sitting and having time to think these things out. I need to be moving and thinking on several different tracks at once.

I started a journal for our new daughter. Cody has a baby book but what will a teenager come with? I started this journal back in October 2004 and it's over halfway filled with my thoughts specific to our adopting this child. I know it won't take the place of watching her crawl or seeing her take her first step, and being able to write about that. But I hope our journal will one day provide insight for her to know how much we couldn't wait to have her home. Cody just started school and I have too much time on my hands now. It's August and we keep trying to guess when we'll be invited to travel. Will it be September or October? What week? What will be going on that i'll have to try to juggle or cancel? It's the waiting game.... still.....and it's driving me nuts!