Helium

Okay, I just typed this huge blog entry and lost the entire thing. I just broke down and began sobbing. I can't take this today!
You know when you blow up a balloon with helium and then pinch the end and let a bit of air escape and it makes that silly squealing noise? Well, that didn't happen to us. Someone just stabbed our balloon with a knife and popped it.
Let me go back a bit. This may take a while.

We were thrilled. I was bouncing off the walls like a kid with ADHD. I was checking into Guest Houses, exploring plane tickets, brushing up on my Thai, gathering groceries and other resources for the people who are staying here while we're gone for three weeks, running to the bank to get things notarized, racing to the post office to get things mailed....it's just been plain crazy here. And terribly exciting! We received quite a few friendly emails from Guest Houses, along with some great rates. A very nice person from one of our online Adoption groups sent the info of a travel agent near us. He was all over it! He worked late, he got us great prices and a good flight schedule....and we were preparing to book our tickets today. We were booking tickets to bring home a child we've been waiting for for 1 year and 9 months! We were anxious to know our path was there, paid for, and waiting for us to step onto it and sit for 21 hours, flying through the air at unreal speeds, unreal heights. Kinda like what we were already feeling.

Last night I was headed to the VBS reunion for the kids at our church and thought I'd better check my email just to make sure there wasn't anyone I needed to get back to right away. I had spent most of the day on and off the phone with our agency making sure things were signed correctly and this and that. I called and left a message for her reminding her we needed copies of our home study to take with us for Nok's Visa.
And then someone plunged the dull knife into my balloon. Our agency rep emailed and said something like -
Don't book your tickets yet. Your home study is expired and you will not be able to get your child's Visa without a current home study.
WhAt?!?!?!
Did they just happen to look at our home study and say "Golly-gee! It appears their home study is expired! Whatever shall we do?"
So, I went to the vehicle and got in. Drove to the VBS reunion and tried to appear thrilled to be there. I was in charge of recreation. I put on a huge smile, shouted at the top of my voice the instructions for the games, and tried my hardest to not break down right there in front of all those smiling faces and happy parents. I felt empty and numb inside.

We are not allowed to own a copy of our home study in our state. We haven't even seen the home study and we don't know when it was actually done. We had no idea this was coming but we had specifically asked about 2-3 weeks ago if all of our documents were ok and nothing was about to expire. And we were told....
yep, you guessed it "Everything is just fine!"
Obviously not.
Now we wait. I have no idea what's going to happen. I have been going through my day mechanically. get up, let the dogs out, wake Cody up, dress her, feed her, drive her to school, wave at the appropriate people, turn on my blinker, stop at the stop sign, etc. I don't remember the drive back home. I do remember thinking at one point "that light is always green when I come this way. Why did it turn red today?" I'm pretty sure I stopped on a dime. Got home, did some laundry and stared at the wall. I need someone to tell me what to think, what to do, how to smile, what to say. I can't think for myself and I have no desire to. I remember thinking a few days ago "Is it legal to be this happy?" Obviously not.
And we're back to playing the waiting game. That was fast. That little glory and victory moment didn't last long. I can't handle this stress. I just need a break.