I Think I Lost something

Ever have that feeling? The feeling that you lost something? I did. I don't know what it is though. Today we had an interview scheduled with someone from the foster care system to talk about a child we had in our home last year. They apparently drew the child's name for a random audit of a local county and we just happened to be the foster family involved. At first I didn't know what it was they wanted but they wanted to talk about this wonderful kiddo we'd had in our home. We wanted to keep her. She was amazing and we fell completely in love with her. She fit well in our home and said she could get used to staying there. But, the county reunified her with her Mom. It broke our hearts but we moved on. Or so I thought. Guess I didn't move on as much as I thought I did.

During the interview they asked questions about the services we received from the county, who was in charge of transportation, how did I feel about the bio family, etc. It brought back alot of feelings I thought I had dealt with. At the end of the interview they asked if I had anything else to say. I was stunned for a moment but said "If she is back in foster care, we want her back!" They said they couldn't give any information away but would relay our request on to the worker who had the case. It doesn't mean we get this child back....it just means someone knows how strongly we felt about her.

I got off the phone and wandered around the house for a bit. I made lunch for our foster kids, washed some dishes, did some laundry. About 30 minutes later I realized how dumb it was to wash dishes....we have a dishwasher. But I just needed something to do. I need to take my mind off of it all!

We've been foster parents for 7 years now. We've had 26 kids. None of our foster kids have been available for adoption. We're at this point now where we're wondering "What next? What should we do now?" We feel like we've lost so much, so many children have come through our home. Some of them have had greater needs than others, a few we've wanted so badly to keep! Somehow we've moved on after they've gone, moved on to the next group, the next challenge, the next risk.

We went to a training a couple weeks ago. We all thought this particular training should've been part of our licensing 7 years ago. The training covered the court process and trauma. I think the most shocking realization was the part on vicarious trauma. Splash-back trauma. I think I'm carrying so much of that around! At this point though, I'm pretty sure it will always be a part of me. I don't want any more though. I can't take much more of the splash back from the kids we have through our home. They tell awful things that happened to them, looking at me to fix it all. The talk about the hurt they're going through, the loss they feel, the fear they experience. I take it all in, absorb it all, and spit back out love and affection, safety and a feeling of confidence to go on and face the world every day. While at the same time I feel all this loss and anger, grief and fear and pain and sorrow. On the outside it's a happy-shiny face but on the inside I am screaming! We are considering quitting foster care soon, so we can heal from all the grief and loss we've experienced second-hand from our foster children, and the grief and loss we still carry from our own first-hand experience.

We started out 7 years ago with the intent to adopt from the foster system. When that wasn't working we saw a child on a listing and we felt our hearts go out to her, beginning a life-long journey to adopt Brooke. We will probably have the longest-awaited adoption on record haha! After Brooke was gone we waited a while and then went back to fostering hoping this time around we would run across a group of kids who would become available for adoption. We're still waiting....although these days I am pretty impatient! I don't know how much longer I can wait. Life hasn't been what I thought it would be, it hasn't taken the turns I expected. Nearly every day my foster daughter shouts "That's not fair!" about something. I tell her "whoever said life IS fair?" Guess I need to practice what I preach.

I've been learning some things lately. We began inquiring into International programs, just considering maybe sometime in the future we could try again. A few of the social workers I have spoken to have said the foster system is so messed up we will never be able to adopt from the United States. One person said they tried for a long time and gave up. Another person said it was pointless to keep wasting time. Some friends of ours are trying to adopt a baby....they've been waiting for about a year already. At church we have the Mini Heart Gallery set up and alot of people have been looking at the kids available there. One lady said "I don't know why on earth people would want to adopt from a foreign country! Just look at these children right here in Colorado!" I didn't have the heart to laugh and say good luck trying to adopt from here! Instead I said "Is it a child's fault that he or she is born half a world away?" She lightly gasped and said "wow, I never thought of it that way. It isn't any of their fault at all that they are orphaned or in foster care." Right, it's not their fault. So why is social services punishing them, making them wait so long for a family? Some people we know of were adopting from foster care. They have had the children well over a year now. Suddenly, social services decided not to let the children be adopted. They're babies! This is the only family they have ever known! How do we fix such a broken system? Why does social services take children away, put them in a foster home, tell them they're going to find a family for them and then blow off every inquiry from families interested! It's crazy how many workers we call or email who never call us back, never bother to email. Another interesting thing I have noticed is how many times a worker will say "we've decided to go a different route with this child" and a year later the child is still waiting, still hoping for a permanent family. Someone told me a while back "America is the greatest country on earth!" I really want someone to prove that to me....and I want them to start with our next generation. The generation they are leaving in foster care, where every day they could be living with a Mom and a Dad and a Sister, but instead they are in foster care or a group home wondering if anyone thinks about them, if anyone feels they are worthy enough for a family.

Just my two cents. Sorry I went flying off the handle there for a bit! But while I was typing all that, I realized what I lost. It was a little piece of me. I lost a piece of me the day my daughter was born. She carries it with her every day and I don't think she even realizes it. I lost another piece when Brooke went away. And still yet another piece has gone with this child who left our home last year and went back to her bio parent....only to move farther away to another state. Every time a child leaves a piece of me is affected. I don't know how many pieces of me are left whole and how many are even ME anymore. I think maybe I am more someone else than myself now.

I want to end on a good note though. We have gone ahead and inquired about 3 kids. We had a list of about a dozen but have narrowed it down (2 children were already placed when we inquired, another one will be emancipating soon from her foster placement, and so on....). I can't say I have too many feelings about the wait right now. I have been burnt so many times, hurt too many times to name. I've felt lost and confused and angry, frustrated and crushed. I want to get excited about these kids we've inquired about but I am so afraid we will hear NO once again. So afraid they will tell us "We've decided to place this child with a local family in our state" or "This child is not yet ready to be adopted. We'll let you know when she is." But we're still trying. Still pushing! They are all girls, in 3 different states, 3 different ages. Beautiful smiles, challenging personalities/behaviors/needs. We feel like we can parent them! We feel up to the challenge if only we were given the chance.

After loosing so much, I have also gained alot of knowledge. Not real sure what to do with it all though! It makes me feel good that I can inspire others to want to adopt or foster. It is a great feeling to know I've helped other families onto the path of adoption. You know that saying "3 times a bridesmaid, never a bride" ? Well, I feel like that. I feel like I have been lucky enough to parent 26 kids, I really shouldn't ask for more out of life.

So, I wait and pray God wants to place more kids in our home. I just hope He wants to place them here permanently! My revolving door of foster care is starting to squeek!

What Happens Next?

So, we had set a goal to begin contacting immigration attorneys about Brooke's return to America. We were going to begin looking for Visa help in January but I just couldn't wait. I started looking last week.

We contacted two attorneys to begin with. One is local and seems interested but wants to review some laws first and will get back to us this week. Another is in a different state but speaks Thai. He asked some questions and i've not heard back. We're nervous of course and sure this will cost a fortune....but this is our child! We want our daughter back!

We've talked alot about our future trip to Thailand and wonder what that will look like. Will things be in order when it's time to go? Will things be in order over there so that Brooke will be released? Are they going to give us trouble at the last moment? How long will we need to be there? Will she still want to come home? So many more thoughts....but I just have a hard time putting words to it all. In Psalms David said "Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely." This is my prayer most days when I just have no words.

The Countdown

Tomorrow is Brooke's birthday. Well actually it is right now since they are half a day ahead of us in time. We sent her a birthday package but I am thinking it won't make it in time due to all the flights in and out of Thailand being cancelled right now. There have been bombs and people being shot in Thailand for the past two weeks. I have had panicky moments quite a few times in the past week! Is Brooke safe? I have no way of knowing.

We've lost a bit of contact over the last 7 months. Brooke doesn't read or write well enough to respond to any letters we've sent. There is no one who will take the time to write us a letter or email to let us know how she is. Our one contact is a very busy lady and we don't want to inconvenience her....although I often sit sifting through my email ...rolling my mouse up and down just hoping I have missed an email from someone who has seen or spoken to Brooke.

So, tomorrow is Brooke's birthday. Although I am terribly sad my oldest daughter is not here so that I can make her a cake and takes pictures of her opening presents....I will celebrate in my heart all day tomorrow.....knowing it is the start of the end....the countdown.

Tomorrow Brooke turns 17.

On This Day in History

One year ago today I saw my daughter's face for the last time. By this time a year ago, she was well on her way across the Pacific Ocean heading toward Tokyo and ultimately Thailand. And I was heading back home with Tommy and Cody. We drove away from the airport angry and depressed, sad and confused, and suddenly Cody said "Mom! Wait! Stop, Dad! We forgot Brooke!" We explained it all over again to her, making an attempt to keep from crying while we reminded her that Brooke was going back to Thailand and we were going back home to try to patch our lives back together. Cody began crying and saying "No, she's my sister forever! We have to go back and get her. You told me she was going to stay, Mom! She's not a foster kid, she's my sister!" I had no words for that. I had lied. I had lied to everyone, telling them all that we were adopting Brooke, telling my family they had a new cousin, niece, granddaughter etc.....Telling Cody that Brooke was here forever.

I remind Cody often that Brooke is still her sister. They miss each other so much. We remind each other every day that Brooke is still a member of our family. When I talk to people about our family I tell them I have 2 daughters. Most people don't ask where my other daughter is, but every once in a while someone will say "and where is your oldest daughter?" I tell them she's studying in Thailand, or she lives in a foreign country. It doesn't make me feel any better but it keeps people from asking too many questions, ending in a lengthy story about the hows and whys of Brooke returning to Thailand. Anymore, I don't care to talk about it. I just want people to recognize we are a family of 4, I have 2 daughters, once is 16 and one is 8.

Last weekend, while visiting family in another state, I handed a lady a foster care pin and she asked something about fostering and adoption. When I began talking about fostering, I naturally began talking about adoption. We still want to adopt, we're still searching.....still waiting. As always, Brooke came up in the conversation. I began talking about her and the ladies asked why she had to return because they distantly remembered my family talking about a child who had to return to her native country. I briefly touched on the situation, not wanting to get into too much detail. Then they asked if we were able to contact her. I told them we were expected to maintain contact and we have been, as well as becoming anxious for the day Brooke will turn 18 and can return to us. When I looked up at their faces they were crying. I could no longer hold my own tears back, but at least I remained composed. Unlike other times when I have completely fallen apart.

During my visit with family, we were often introduced to quite a few people in one day. When someone would ask "Is this your only child?" my family would quickly reply "Yes" before I could form my own answer. After a few days of feeling reduced in spirit, I began to interrupt after the answer was already given, replying that I have another daughter by guardianship and she lives in another country right now, but that I have parented 17 children in 6 years. Often, those words would lead to me being able to speak about foster care and adoption and my heart would soar! I felt a sense of protection over all of those children seeking permanent situations, a sense of defense for all of those defenseless children all over the world. And a sense of taking charge for all of those families who want to adopt, all of those Mothers and Fathers whose relatives are against adoption.

My side of the family has been in denial about Brooke since the first day we told them we were adopting her. They told us we should adopt from America. They told us we had no business adopting or even doing foster care for that matter. I think they tolerate us doing foster care but when it comes to making it permanent they balk and become angry. We've been talked about many times, often when they think we have no idea they are talking about us. It's constantly negative and disturbing. They refuse to recognize Brooke, but she will always be a part of us. She has blazed the path for other children coming into our home in the future. Brooke is our hero! She will be a hero to all of our children! All of our foster children, since Brooke has been gone, know about her and think she sounds like a very fun sister. Many of them have wished they could meet her. She's a great kid, funny, smart, silly, interesting, but most of all she's ours.

God knows what He's doing. He has us doing foster care for a reason. Brooke came to us for a short time for a reason. We have learned so many lessons and had so many challenges since we first began the journey to Brooke in 2004. It's not over yet....we are still journeying to her. Every day brings us one day closer to bringing her home. The advantage we have over others adopting from foreign countries is that we know what day our daughter ages out of the system and when we can be there to bring her home!

Yesterday, I was talking to another foster parent about Brooke. We have found some children we are interested in adopting but they are in another state and our agency wants us to look in our state only. I was telling her how excited Brooke will be to come home to more siblings. Brooke had told us before she left that she wanted sisters. She said "Mom, baby girl, no boys!" I laughed and said no babies! haha! She would be happy no matter what. What a beautiful spirit my daughter has! Both of my girls have these beautiful, exciting spirits that pull mine to the surface and they help my personal sun shine bright every day that I think of them. I love my girls so much!

So, it's been a year. A year today. I know I will see her again, I just wish it was sooner rather than later! Last year started out rocky and ended on a sad and lonely note. This year started out hopeful. We are dying to go see Brooke, but ticket prices to fly there are so crazy right now, there is just no way we can do it. We're hoping by the end of the year to be holding our daughters in our arms and celebrating our little family, if only for a little while. Cody can't wait to see her big sister, and I can't wait to watch them together. Brooke, we miss you, hunny! And we love you so much!

Can't Let Go

Since December we've had 7 foster kids. None have been available for adoption of course.....so we're still looking. Our homestudy is sent out on a couple sibling groups. We keep praying for the right kids....

I have learned so many lessons over the last year and a half. Patience is at the top! Our family has grown closer, and we've grown closer to our church as well. We started a foster and adoption ministry at church back in October and one family is in the process of adopting a baby, while 2 other families are seriously considering fostering and adopting from the foster system! I'm so excited that God has used me to bring home more children! What an honor to be that kind of tool!

The foster kids we have now are challenging but I feel like i'm doing my part to make the world a safer place for these kids. Just this morning my little 3 year old was singing a Christian rock song she has heard on my vehicle radio several times - "Can't get away, can't get away, I keep running into you!" I started singing it w/ her and her 2 year old sibling began singing it too! It was awesome!

I enrolled one of my foster kids in school on Friday and the bus driver remembered Brooke. She said "Oh, you had another foster kid didn't you? Brooke was her name, right?" I just said yes and smiled. It hurt too much to think of her as temporary.

This month hasn't been easy though. Weekend before last we reunified our 2 foster girls w/ their mom. We miss the older one so much. Cody came to me on Saturday and crawled into my lap and said "Mom, I miss Brooke so much." I guess I just didn't realize that letting our foster daughter go would hurt her so much. I think it was more damaging than I anticipated. Saying Goodbye to our foster daughter just broke open an old wound and made Cody more cautious about loving and attaching to people she wants to care about. She's been clingy and often cries if she sees me volunteering at school. She says "Mom, I just can't let you go. What if I loose you? What if something happens to you? I can't live without you!" The tears surface in my eyes but I push them away and take the role of solid rock. I giggle and tickle her and hug her, and I tell her I love her and if something happens to me then Dad will pick her up from school. Then I give her a huge smile and tell her I want to see her happy....I want to see her smiling and enjoying school and her friends. She usually walks away sporting the most fake smile i've ever seen.....just to make me happy. When I leave the school I usually cry all the way home. But at the end of the day when I pick her up from karate she's so excited to see me it makes me want to cry all over again.


So, I sit here, looking at postings of available children and praying God brings our kids to us soon. At the same time I'm thinking this year is going by so slowly, I wish it would go by faster. Every day brings me one step closer to bringing Brooke home.

Again.

Today....I Miss You

Today, I miss you. Yesterday, I missed you too. Tomorrow won't change the way I feel. I thought after a while the hole in my heart would heal but it's still there and only you can fill it.

I thought I would write this post to Brooke. So many posts are just ramblings but this one is for Brooke. I don't know if you'll ever read it....but it's here for you when you are able.

Today I was thinking so much about you. I think it means you must be thinking about me too, or at least I would like to believe that! I was going to close this blog and call it complete but I know it's not. This blog is an adoption story....a journey of adoption. It was meant to be yours but I think I can say it's become too big. It's become a story of our family. It started as a journey to you and I am hoping it will continue with your journey back to us. As we go along in life we're all growing and changing. You may be half a world away, but you're still so much a part of our family.....you're a daughter and a sister, a grand-daughter and a niece. Don't ever forget how much we love you! And it's not just me and Dad and Cody....it's everyone! 2 Sets of Grandparents, 5 Great Grand-parents, 20 Aunts and Uncles, 9 Cousins, and countless Great-Aunts and Great-Uncles and an extended network of more distant cousins! They are all here....loving you and waiting for your return one day.

Brooke, I don't know how I have survived this last year. God has provided my sanity because I had none of my own left! It was about a year ago that we first heard that Thailand wanted you returned to them. It was a confusing time and a heartbreaking year.......looking back over the last several months we've still been confused and brokenhearted! I would like to say we've moved on, and in a way we have, but it doesn't mean that we don't wish we could redo alot of things. We often think of ways we could have run away and taken you with us.....or gone to Thailand with you and begged them to let us keep you. At the time it was a difficult decision to make but the one we made protected us all. The decision we made separated us....and it hurt...but we knew one day we could be together again. There were just too many people against us, too many people in authority making decisions without even knowing us. Without even knowing you, without knowing or even caring what you wanted.

The world is still turning, and like i've said before, we're turning with it now. For a long time we felt stale, we felt so empty and dry inside. Without your laughter in our home Cody has had to take up for that! She has had to make us laugh so much more than before. You'd be proud of your little sister! She misses you so much too.

We hope by the time you come home that we've adopted some kids. You always said you wanted more little siblings and Cody says you taught her everything she needs to know about being a big sister. Pray for us, Brooke. Ask Jesus to bring the right kids along for our family, the right siblings for you and Cody. I love you hunny.....we miss you so much! Sleep well, study hard in school.....take good care of yourself....We love getting your letters and pictures so write again when you get the chance.

Love,
Mom

Robots and Chinese People

When I was young, my Grandmother would brush my hair and exclaim "What have you been sleeping with? Your hair has so many knots and tangles! You must've slept with goblins and black cats and witches and stuff like that in your hair last night!" My Gramma has a southern accent so it sounded especially funny, and of course lots of giggling would follow while she brushed my ratty hair. Somehow it didn't hurt so bad then. A couple weeks ago I was brushing my eight year old daughter's hair and it was so knotted I was desperately trying not to hurt her. We play this little game where I say "owww!" instead of her saying it everytime I hit a snag. I was exclaiming "ow" "ow" nearly every stoke of the hairbrush and she was giggling and then I asked what on earth she'd been sleeping with. She calmly said "Oh, bats and goblins and pumpkins and stuff.....and robots." I was quiet a moment and said "Hmmm, robots, huh?" She'd had this thing for Robots for quite a while and at some point had even called her Uncle and informed him that he'd be driving across the state to visit us and help her make a robot and he'd need to bring the appropriate materials and tools for it. Anyway, aside from that, she said "yes, robots in my hair....and Chinese people." I'm sure the hairbrush paused a moment until I gathered my thoughts and continued. "Uhhh Chinese people?" I was dying to know where this had come from. "Why are there Chinese people in your hair?" And then my 8 year old said "Silly Mom! The Chinese people are building the robots!" I died laughing then and of course she never cracked a smile. But I knew she was laughing too. And of course I began thinking of funny things all of my children have done and said. I've been a foster parent for years and have parented 10 children. One of my foster daughters always did this stupid little rap dance that would have me laughing so hard! She would hike up one pant leg and put a ball cap on sideways, and then begin this little slo-mo spin while singing something stupid. Ahhh.....Funny stuff! And Brooke learned to tell jokes and tease everyone. Sometimes she would pretend something horrible had happened and then when I would come to see what was wrong she would laugh and slap her knee! She was getting better and better at joking and I loved knowing I was a part of it all. Apparently, we enjoy laughter in our home.

Laughter has come hard this year. I've learned to appreciate it and covet it. When one of us laughs these days, we all look at each other and join in. At first, after Brooke was gone, when one of us would laugh, it would be short-lived and shallow. It was almost as if we had signed this contract to laugh at certain times or about certain things but it was all hollow and fake. Slowly, I realized that I needed to laugh and smile. A part of me was missing but a huge part of me was still alive and very much needed to heal. And there was Cody.....she needed so much to see me smile and hear me laugh and act silly again. She began doing funny and silly things just to get me to laugh at her. And I did. Usually I went to my room later and cried, but for a moment I could laugh and feel free from this enormous burden. And then I laughed and it felt real. And then I felt myself smiling and I knew it was real. And I had purpose and resolution.

We think of Brooke every day. We'll never forget her! She's our daughter and always will be a part of our family. This year we'll sign her name on Christmas cards right along beside our names. She'll not have gifts under our tree since we'll be mailing them to her instead. We sent her a birthday package that was difficult to put together. When I gave it to the lady at the post office I proudly announced that it was a birthday gift for my daughter who was away in a foreign country. She took the gift from my hand, noticing how I hesitated to give it to her. It was in that moment that I said a prayer and wrapped the gift in invisible love. No, not invisible.....

So, we're moving on. One step at a time. There have been so many people involved in our healing. All of those friends and family members who have emailed to express their sympathy and love, I can't thank you enough for being behind us all the way. Things are changing in our lives and it's all for good. Back in September/October we started a foster/adoption ministry that's in its infancy but growing quickly. Already, 10 or 11 families have expressed interest in fostering or adopting! One day I'll be able to sit down with Brooke and tell her about all the wonderful things that happened in people's lives all because of her bravery and self-sacrifice!

We're moving forward. We've begun looking at available children. We haven't inquired about any yet but we know there are needy children out there waiting for a family. We hope they like to laugh.....we hope they'll enjoy the outdoors and our many critters. We hope they'll love having a big sister......Brooke always wanted more siblings. And Cody says Brooke taught her everything she needs to know about being a big sister.

The world is still turning, but now we're turning with it. Some days I still struggle with the burden of being "the worst Mom on the planet" but Cody helps me feel pretty awesome. About two weeks ago I walked into the kitchen and she surprised me by saying "Mom, you're the best Mom I have ever heard of! And believe me, I've heard of ALOT of Moms. You make me feel special and you're always there for me. I love you, Mom".

Adopt-A-Popcorn

So, I was sitting here waiting for this page to load so I could post real quick and I noticed a piece of popcorn....quite alientated....in a roll of paper.....on my computer tower. Looking back to night before last, I had been smelling popcorn from somewhere. I looked around and didn't see any! I haven't had popcorn in about 2 weeks! But there it is. The roll of paper is from a project Cody did in school, and when she gave it to me she told me I couldn't throw it away. So what do you do with a piece of paper that's half the size of a roll of paper towels? Well, I gently laid it aside on top of my tower to await its fate. And there, just inside one of the spiral rolls is this popcorn. Stuck.....as if someone put it there. Why haven't the dogs discovered it yet and torn the room apart trying to get to it? One may never know. So that brings me to my next thought.....I feel stuck. I feel like I should be going somewhere, having some goal to attempt, reaching out to.....something. Just doing something! I stay busy most all day (ask my poor sister and brother who try to call me all the time and i'm never home!). I work sometimes, run Cody to and from school, volunteer with this and that, get a few things done around the house and then the end of the day races up to me and drags me down exhausted onto the couch. When I have the energy I actually get up and brush my teeth and wobble to bed.

I'm pretty sure I know what happened. In March 2004 we saw a photo of a child in need. She was 9 or 10 years old, special needs and we fell in love with that little girl. In October 2004 we joined an adoption agency to bring this sweet little girl home. Only, by then, her profile was updated and she was all-of-a-sudden a 12 year old! That's ok though, right? 12 isn't so bad! And she still needed us just as badly as we needed another child in our lives!

She turned 13. Then 2005 rolled around. And then she turned 14. And we still waited to travel. Finally, the day came. It was October 2006. We met our daughter and brought her home. Through thick and thin, we'd navigated red-tape and a foreign country. We had another daughter for 9 months. She turned 15 during that time and grew to such a funny and inspiring girl! And then the world stopped in February 2007. It began to turn again ever so slowly but July 5th rolled around so quickly our stomachs churned. There hadn't been enough time! There hadn't been enough time to teach her life skills, how to cook and sew, how to use a washing machine or drive a car! Where is my daughter when I need to teach her how to do things! Where is she when I need to tell her I love her so much! Where is she when I want to see her smile and hear her laughter! Just the chance to brush her hair again, to help her with her homework, do her nails, sing a song together, hear her laugh over something Cody has done, or listen to her ask her Daddy when her favorite TV show is coming on. Just to hear her voice....Just to see her face. Just to know she's Ok for sure and see it for myself. I've tried so hard to pretend she's just away at school. Like sending a teen away to college! But my heart knows.....my heart squeezes against the pain and my tears trail down my cheeks..... and I know she's Ok simply because someone told me so. I have to trust that.

Brooke is doing well, from what we hear. She has said she wants to come home. She will be 16 in about 2 months and there isn't enough time to tell her all the things I wanted to say to my child....soon she will be an adult. I thought a few weeks ago of the brief time we spent together and laughed at my own tears! Brooke has been our daughter since birth! It just took us 12 years to find her. She is still our daughter....always will be. God placed her in our home for a reason and then moved her back for another reason. He has a plan, I know He does. But there is still that little lost piece of popcorn....stuck in a strange place.

We've sent a package to Brooke. And some letters. She's taking English lessons and LifeSkills as well. And where am I? Halfway around the world, wishing I could give my right arm (or left....I'm ambidextrous anyway) to be there. I am jealous. I truly am. There are 2 other mothers being a mother to my child. I guess I can kinda see where a birth mother can get jealous and angry, ashamed and uncertain. Someone else is raising my child! But those other mothers....they are angels sent directly from God just for my baby girl!!!! God prepared them many years ago for this moment in time, for this child.....for me. I can't tell them how much I appreciate them, how grateful we are that they are there for Brooke when we can't be. They just don't know that the tears I cry can easily be wiped away with a smile because I know God sent them to care for my daughter. You know who you are, and I thank you so much for what you've done for my daughter! You're so special to us! Thank you.

Long Awaited Post

Ok, here is the latest....long-awaited post!
Things have been hectic but I think I have made them that way on purpose. Life is easier when you don't have time to stop and think. I work myself crazy during the day on any project I can find and then throw myself into near dreamless sleep. I have worked a bit for both of my jobs and it felt good to get away and go back to work for a few hours. Cody is driving me insane wanting to know either when we can go see Brooke or when we are getting her a brother or sister. She informed me that she wanted a younger sibling now. She said Brooke taught her everything she needed to know about being a big sister.

The first week home was the hardest. I kept my computer on all day long and half the night for days on end just waiting for some word. We emailed the DSDW and the orphanage and still haven't heard anything back from them. An angel emailed us to let us know she had heard Brooke was doing well. That same angel emailed back again saying she had seen Brooke and gave a few encouraging thoughts for us to consider. Then God sent yet another angel our way. Brooke's English teacher emailed to say she would be teaching Brooke English lessons soon!!! Brooke seems thrilled with the idea but sounds like she would rather come back home. The latest email was the one that had me on my knees sobbing. She said Brooke had seen an airplane and said "Airplane I go to Colorado". And the tears that were just waiting at the surface decided to show themselves w/ a fury.

Every day is pretty much the same for me lately. I keep myself mindlessly and insanely racing here and there, trying to keep my thoughts on the next thing I will be racing to. Cody begs daily for a sibling, Tommy goes to work and home again just to get up and do it all over again the next day. My mind can't wrap itself around the idea that we just don't have the money right now to go to Thailand to see our daughter. I keep telling myself that we will have the money to go and see her for her birthday. That some miracle will happen and we will be able to go. Before, when we were waiting for the travel call to bring her home, we knew it was pointless to go then. That we would not be allowed to see her then. But now.....it's hard knowing she is there, we're here and we are so much a part of each other. And quite likely that we won't be able to afford to travel there until after the new year. How do you explain that to a girl who was snatched away from us and returned to a place she never wanted to go back to....how do you tell her you can't afford to come for her 16th birthday??? My heart hurts. I want my little girl back home.

Every day brings new challenges and I can only take it one day at a time. I can only say a prayer and go on.....knowing God is in control. I only hope Brooke has that instilled enough in her by now to have hope and know she has a big purpose in the scheme of life. God must have something big planned for our family.......but in the meantime He has graciously given us peace.

The Missing Post - Skipping Steps

This is a post I had posted back at the begining of June but removed it a few days later. At the time I hadn't wanted Thailand to see it for fear they would take Brooke away before WACAP had time to find a home here in the states for Brooke. It's over a month old, but alot of people have asked why our agency didn't look for a home here for Brooke so she could stay in America and have a chance at life. They did try to find a home but ran out of time. Thailand had initially demanded Brooke's return, but no one ever knew why they didn't request she be placed in a different home here instead of returning to Thailand. Still, no one knows why it didn't happen that way. Here is the post.....


Saturday, June 09, 2007
Skipping Steps
We spoke to the founder of a group that seems to help International adoption situations. We thought there was hope. It seemed during our conversation that Plan A was to keep Brooke in our family while plan B was to locate another family in the U.S. We were excited to hear that maybe there was a chance she could stay with us. Beyond that, we would begin to locate another family instead of her being forced into returning to Thailand. At this point Thailand is currently drafting a letter with a deadline date for when Brooke must be returned.2 days ago I checked my email and found a message from our agency. Now, everytime I see their number on my caller ID when the phone rings or whenever I check my email and there is a message there from them, my stomach clenches and I suddenly feel very very sick. I've gotten to the point where I absolutely cannot answer their calls, but when I get an email from them I have to go get a drink of water and calm down before I can open the email. I proceeded through my calming steps and when I got back to my desk I opened it. Naturally, I was shocked to read that WACAP would like us to sign a release so that they may begin searching for another family for Brooke. At first I was angry. What happened to us? What happened to our family? Apparently, we just aren't good enough. The more we talked it through, the calmer we became. There is no guarantee that Thailand will allow Brooke to stay even if we find another family. But if that family is just too good to resist, maybe....just maybe....Thailand will give our daughter a second chance at life. It seems that finding another family is a step in the Hague Convention that Thailand forgot to consider. We still have hope that Brooke will be able to remain in America and continue to grow and learn. She just won't be doing it in our family.I can't express the grief we are going through now and the sorrow and heartache that the future holds for us. I can't think of words impactful enough to allow you to feel the dispair and numbness we feel every day. I cried again yesterday. I hadn't cried in a week and was actually proud of myself for it. But sometimes, the world weighs heavy on my shoulders and I just can't keep going. Sometimes, I break down and wonder if I am only a shadow anymore, or if I still exist at all. When Cody overheard me talking about another family for Brooke, she fell apart. She yelled NO! and threw herself into my arms. She is just as damaged as we are. She knows that when Brooke is gone, she will be lonely again. She will want to move her bedroom back downstairs because it will be lonely upstairs all by herself. She will once again be an only child. She will once again sit out on her swingset and stare off into the clouds dreaming of a sibling, dreaming of a playmate and someone to talk to about important things. A friend, a sister, someone to share her parents with. And once again Cody will be lonely.

The Longest Mile

We're back from Seattle. We really hoped things would go differently and they very nearly did. Our trip out was eventful......along the way we had stopped at a park to meet my in-laws for lunch. Brooke was playing w/ the other kids and having a great time until she decided to bail out of the swing. Here at home the girls will swing as high as they can and then jump out and they have always been fine. At the park they had this smushy padding over wood chips. When Brooke bailed out she twisted her ankle. We ended up at the emergency clinic and were actually happy to learn she had only sprained it. She ended up w/ an aircast and hobbled along when we stopped to eat or use the bathroom along the way. Then my car started to shake very badly about halfway through Idaho. We still don't know what's wrong with it. The girls slept most of the way so it was a peaceful drive even though my stomach was in knots the entire way.



We arrived the afternoon of the 3rd and called WACAP to let them know we were there and ready for our first meeting. They said the Thai worker did not want to meet, she just wanted WACAP to bring Brooke to the airport. I had specifically asked if we could be there on the 4th to save some money and we were told that we must arrive on the 3rd to meet the worker from Thailand. I then insisted we meet the worker! WACAP called back a bit later to say they would be bringing the Thai worker to our hotel the morning of the 4th.



When she walked in, Brooke stiffened and got very quiet. I told the Thai worker to make sure Brooke knew she was not there to take her yet. From there.....things didn't go well. The worker ended up telling us she was going to call Thailand to tell them Brooke should stay w/ us, that there was no reason for her to leave since she was happy and safe in our family. She then told Brooke she would be staying w/ us and not going back to Thailand. The worker took lots of pictures of us together, some of Brooke alone, and then asked for a family picture. We took one out of Brooke's photo album and gave to her. Then she said she wanted to take us all out to eat Thai food. We sat near the Thai worker and chatted but no one felt like eating. Brooke kept elbowing me and telling me to "Talk Big". I told her I wanted her to go outside w/ the Thai worker and talk to her privately. She agreed but wanted to make sure first that the worker would not take her away right then. We assured her she would be right back. When they came back in Brooke was beaming and then the worker wanted to know if we would like to say anything to her. Tom spoke first and told her how much we loved Brooke and how much she meant to us. Then I told her pretty much the same thing, including some silent tears and a bit of laughter to try to lighten the mood. Brooke elbowed me again and repeated "Mom, Talk Big! Brooke no go!" So I told the worker we didn't want to let Brooke go, she was doing so well in our home and we loved her so much. I pretty much repeated everything again and Brooke was satisfied then. I wasn't though. I didn't know how to put all those feelings into words...knowing in my heart this worker had no authority to change anyone's mind. The worker from Thailand said she was going to call the board/DSDW to let them know that Brooke was to stay w/ us. We were afraid to be happy about this new turn of events, but Brooke took it to heart and was thrilled about this news. When the call came later that evening to let us know that Thailand had demanded Brooke's return, we were all so heartbroken. We had called Thailand last week and spoke to our social worker there. She had seemed a bit put out at the time but when I asked if she would like to speak to Brooke she very quickly said yes. Brooke talked very bravely and told the worker she was happy here and did not want to go. The worker asked what country Brooke wanted to live in and she said America. Then the worker spoke to me and informed me that Brooke did not want to leave us. I nearly laughed at the amazement in her voice thinking "You didn't know this!?" She gave me the director's phone number but said she was in Australia at the time and wouldn't be returning until the 5th, the same day Brooke was to return. I stayed up until 2:30 AM trying to call the director. Brooke was up w/ me demanding I keep calling until the lady answered. Apparently, her phone didn't work in Australia so we finally went to bed. I tried again the next day and night but there was no answer. I felt my heart hit the bottom of my stomach.

When we received the call the night of the 4th they told us we would need to take Brooke to WACAP and a worker from there would take Brooke to the airport. We told them No. I requested that the Thai worker call Brooke to tell her in Thai what had happened, but WACAP said the Thai worker was too upset. I started laughing, as bitterly as it sounded to my own ears and said "Do you think WE aren't upset about this?" I ended the call quickly before I lost my patience w/ her. Yes, I guess I still have a little patience left.

When we told Brooke, she was heartbroken. But we quickly began telling her how excited we were for her and that she would get to return to Thailand and eat real Thai food, and see her foster mother and friends and go to Thai school! We brought in her suitcase and backpack and I sat and wrote out phone numbers for home and of family members and our friends in Thailand. I wrote them on tiny pieces of paper and Tom stuffed them in various pockets on Brooke's bags. Then we spent some time laughing and joking and when it was time for bed Brooke wouldn't go to sleep. She kept whispering that she was sad and didn't want to leave, that she loved us and was so sad to go. She kept whispering over and over "Mom....I love you. Dad....I love you....Cody, I love you. Cody go to sleep, Brooke no sleep. Sad. Mom....I love you...." and we would reply to her over and over and tell her how much we loved her. Finally, she was quiet. But I don't think any of got any sleep worth speaking of.

The next morning we headed to the airport. We were laughing and making jokes again and Brooke was nervous but decided to play along. She kept saying "Mom, Dad, Cody, drive long time....Cody go to potty....Mom, Dad, Cody go to eat lunch....drive drive drive long time, Cody sleep, evey time stop to go to Potty....Cody go to potty. Brooke go to Thailand. Brooke sad." And then she would start all over again and we would laugh because she was just so funny! And then we were at the airport and you could've heard a pin drop as silent as we all were.

WACAP called because we were running 15 minutes behind due to traffic. If I had been in a joking mood I would've told them we were headed to Vancouver, Canada. But I didn't. And I hated myself for not running away. I hated myself for not packing our things back in March and running to Mexico. I hated myself for what I was doing to my daughter. And I still hate myself. I will never be the same again.

While the social workers were checking Brooke's bag, Tom went to get some Thai money for Brooke. Brooke's passport wouldn't scan correctly and Brooke loudly annouced the passport was no good so she was going home w/ us. The social workers just stared blankly at her and returned fervently to scanning the passport. It ended up working, unfortunately, and Brooke's body language said she was crushed and angry. Tom showed up w/ the money and once again our daughter's face was a beautiful light! She said "Dad! Money!" and he crammed it into her change purse telling her quite loudly so all the social workers could hear "This is your money. Don't let anyone take it from you. It belongs to you and you can do whatever you want w/ it. If you want to shop, you can shop, if you want to share w/ your friends or give some to your foster mom you can do that too. But don't let anyone take it. It belongs to you!"

We walked around to security and then we didn't know what to do. We all stood there staring at each other not wanting to say goodbye and I could feel the tears stinging my eyes. I concentrated on being strong and brave for my girl, but it just didn't work. Cody and Tom hugged Brooke and spoke to her for a bit and stepped back. I wrapped my arms around her and whispered to her that she was always my daughter, forever and ever, and we would always love her. I told her she was a good girl, and we would miss her but to tell her foster mother hello for us. I told her to give her foster mother a hug because that's what Americans do to show each other how they feel. Then I said "squeeze me and pat my back" and she laughed. She loves hugs and so I taught her to pat someone's back when you hug as if you are patting a baby. Just a funny thing we do to make each other laugh.

And then they got into line at security. My lungs stopped working but my tears began flowing. As they were just getting ready to go through the checkpoint the worker made Brooke turn to us to wave. I plastered on a huge fake smile and waved back. Her face was a mask of sorrow and tears and she couldn't make herself smile. As she turned away I ran to her and wrapped my arms around her tightly and whispered in Thai and English "I Love You!!!" And then I stepped back and let my daughter go. She waved again and stared at us through her tears until the crowd pushed her away and we could no longer see each other. And then I cried. I turned to Tom after a moment, seeing Cody wrapped tightly in his arms w/ tears down her cheeks and said "Let's go." We walked away from the WACAP workers and drove out of Seattle.....and I left half of my heart there. The other half of my heart Cody quickly grabbed up w/ her smile as she said "Mom, when do we get to go see Brooke? I miss her already".

The Midnight Oil

well, here I am again. It's nearly midnight and I can't sleep. Why should I anyway? I can sleep when i'm dead. I was just telling my sister that one day I want a happy blog. I want a blog that makes people cry because it's just so funny!

We have received an overwhelming response of people wanting to help, wanting to encourage, wanting to inspire! It's amazing to see God's love abounding in people we have never met face to face. Our story is meant to make people more aware. Be aware that a sending country can take your child away from you if you haven't finalized in-country first. I keep telling myself that if we only knew.....if we only knew that this could happen. If we only knew that being Guardians instead of being finalized could make such a huge difference we would never have done this.....would never have chosen that country. But we all know that isn't the way of it. We never chose the country. We saw a little girl who needed us.

Let me back up a bit and recap. We were foster parents looking for children available for adoption. God told us years ago to adopt and we finally got around to it. We weren't in a hurry but Cody wanted a sister. As foster parents we only took older kids. They asked us one time why we didn't take babies or toddlers. I said "How many foster families do you have that will take babies and toddlers?" They said A Lot!!! And I said exactly my point. Who will take the older kids? There's an obvious need here....and we can help meet that need.

When we saw Brooke on a waiting child listing she was 9 years old. Perfect! We thought. She hadn't had anyone express interest or request her profile in years. Litterally years! We were excited! Here was a kid who needed us, just as much as we needed another daughter. Cody was thrilled too. She would have a sister. Then we received her profile. By the time we got it and realized it hadn't been updated in a very long time....our soon-to-be daughter was all of a sudden 12 years old. But it was too late.....we were taken w/ her. She needed a family, someone to love and care for her. And we wanted to build our family. And we wanted to add her to it. We were adopting a 12 year old! No problem ,we thought.....we have had kids ranging in age from 5 to 16 in our home in the last 4 years. We enjoyed the 9-12 year range.....we can handle an older kid. Sure, she has Cerebral Palsy but it seems minor and we can teach her to live as an independent and successful adult. It will be a long road and she's sure to be here longer than Cody but that's ok. We will do our best and make sure she knows she's wanted and needed and we're her family forever. We thought love could fix everything. Well.....we've learned love isn't always enough.

When Brooke's 14th birthday rolled around I wanted to scream. I couldn't be there for her! But next year....next year we would celebrate for all the birthdays we missed. And when she turns 16 we could celebrate again. Maybe Dad would teach her to drive, and I could take her shopping and take her to have her hair and makeup done by a professional. You know, all the things girls love to do. And then we received the call to travel. We were bringing home a 14 year old girl w/ CP and delays but we were going to be parents again! And Cody would finally have the sister she has always dreamed of.

Brooke turned 15 about a month and a half after we got home. She picked her own birthday cake and you could tell she didn't believe it was really happening to her. She wrote me a letter (by way of her school translator). It said something like

Thank you, Mom for the birthday cake. Thank you Mom and Dad and Cody for the presents. I have never had a birthday cake or presents before ever in my life. Thank you for everything you have done for me. I love you.

And here I am....burning the midnight oil. I'm finally tired. Lately, I must exhaust myself before falling into a dreamless state. And tomorrow is another day.

No Regrets

We received the phone call. You know the one......kinda like the call you receive in the middle of the night and you roll over and answer it knowing it won't be good news. Our agency rep left a message telling me the news was not good. She said Thailand had sent the dreaded letter and she had emailed it to us. I went right away to check it thinking something like "Well we've already heard the worst.....they already want to take our daughter away from us. What's next? Surely it can't be that bad!"

It was.

It was a huge shock. I just sat staring for a while thinking I must be reading it wrong. They want us to come to Seattle and leave Brooke in the care of WACAP? They're flying back to Thailand on the 5th??? No....no....this can't be happening. We need more time! We haven't had enough time! I was planning to take Brooke school shopping at the end of July. I thought it would be fun to buy her some new clothes and some fun school supplies. There were so many more things we had planned. We were hoping to go visit my sister and my grandparents this year so Brooke could meet some more relatives on my side of the family. We had so many plans! They were all plans designed for our family of 4.

When we heard the news we looked at the date right away. By the time we were notified we had less than 2 weeks to spend with our daughter. Now we're down to 9 days. I am still in disbelief! 9 days to do and say everything we've ever wanted to do as a family, everything we've ever wanted to say to her. What would you say if you had only 9 days left to spend with your family? If someone were tearing you away ....what would you say and what would you do? We've just been spending time together. I have to work tomorrow and I hate it. I will be gone all day.... gone from my daughter all day long knowing that it's one more day I could spend getting to know her! Laughing with her and teaching her English! Listening to her jokes and hearing her talk about how sad she is and that she doesn't want to go. She keeps asking me if Thailand called and then she says she wants to talk to them on the phone. When we tell her we are going to take her to the worker in Seattle she groans and says "Noooo....sad, mom! Brooke sad!" I told her that we have taught her to have her own voice and she needs to use it! I told her she can tell them how much she loves us and how much fun she had in our home! But I told her they will take her, and she will need to tell them when she's hungry and thirsty and tired and when she needs to use the bathroom. I told her to talk to them and let them know how smart she is! I told her to show them how she can write English and that she's learning to read and she's just so smart!!! And I told her when she gets back to her foster home to give her foster mother a hug....because that's what Americans do....we hug each other to let each other know how we feel. I told her she can teach her foster mother English now and how to write the alphabet. And I told her to tell her foster mother that I said "Thank You for letting me have Brooke for such a short amount of time". I loved every moment of it.....And I would do it again a thousand times over.

Mom Cry Big?

"Mom, you cry big? Brooke school, mom home cry big?" That's what Brooke says to me every day now. We told her last week what we've been attempting to stop since February. We told her that Thailand wants us to send her back. We told her we wanted her to stay and asked what she wanted. She said she didn't want to go. She said we were her family and she wanted to stay.

Thailand is still insisting we send her back. We have begged for help from so many resources, so many political groups, so many agencies and other adoptive families. Does it ever end? Does the heartache and pain ever end? The tears have ended (most of the time now) but the ache in my heart is still there. The anger is there, the frustration, the irritation, the sorrow. I think I am just growing used to this kind of life. The turmoil and endless dread that fills my days and nights.

We used a family friend as a translator last week and told Brooke what was happening. When our friend spoke Thai to her, Brooke would answer back in English. It was funny in a way but sad too. I know she isn't loosing her native language but she is trying to develop the one that is most essential to her at the moment. During the dreaded conversation we said "Brooke, do you remember back in February and March when Mom and Dad cried all the time?" She said yes. And then we told her what was happening. I sat and watched her responses and my heart was just falling apart. She went from laughing and smiling to shock and disbelief. Then the tears came. I was there holding her and reassuring her, but reassuring what? That I was a temporary mom? That I wasn't real? That I was her mom for the blink of an eye in her lifetime?

She understands what's going on. She often asks what I did every day for 4 months while she was in school. If I don't answer correctly she says "Mom you cry big? Brooke school, Mom home cry big?" She knows that every morning when she was heading off to school I was watching her bus leave with tears in my eyes. And then I cried big. And long and hard for the daughter I want so badly to keep forever.

Two days later we were driving down the road and suddenly Brooke shouted "MOM!" Naturally, I jumped nearly out of my skin but I have learned that when she shouts she has something important to say. I paid close attention to her next words "Mom, Brooke no go back Thailand. No go back, K?" I was silent for a moment and then mumbled something back that sounded like there were too many people involved who were making all the decisions and we had no say. Again, she announced "Brooke, no back Thailand. No back. Mom, Dad, Brooke, Cody, stay. Brooke no back." Then she laughed and started spelling out words she saw on signs along the road. I retreated inside my silent shell and prayed for her safety regardless of what happened.

Last night Brooke said something about boys and girls with no Moms and Dads. I reminded her that she has a Mom and Dad. She jabbed her finger into her chest a dozen times and said "Brooke happy! Mom Dad Sister! Brooke happy! Family!" And for her, that's where it ends. For Brooke, she is safe and happy and content and has no worries beyond what sort of weather she will wake to in the morning.

For Just a Little While

We decided not to tell Brooke yet. We didn't know how long this would go on and didn't want her feeling the loss and heartache we faced every day. We wanted to save her sanity and make sure her days were filled w/ hope and love. She knew a little instability when she saw me sobbing uncontrollably but she makes herself believe everything will be ok. I mean, she asks us every day if we are happy or sad. And when we answer that we're happy she says "Good!" and goes on w/ life. Why would we drag her into the feelings of hopeless despair? There will come a day when we will be forced to, but for now we are content to let her believe in forever.

When I pray I ask God's will w/ a side note of something like "But, PLEASE let us keep our child!!!" I pray w/ tears and w/out but the prayers w/out tears are generally because I am already so dehydrated and empty of spirit that I have nothing left but outright begging. A nice lady at church mentioned to me a couple Sundays ago that people pray for you because you have nothing left. You are drained and empty and may not have the right words coming out. She is a prayer warrior! And she is praying for us! My Jesus is walking beside me sometimes but most of the time He is walking in front of me, hand outstretched and leading me through the darkness. Lately, I have begged for a light to shine through so that I may have the smallest amount of hope. All of the other times I am too exhausted to go on, and He's there. Lifting me and carrying me. When I have no more reason, no more hope, and can only fear and despair, He's there in the smile on my daughters' faces.

When we finished our last post placement report we should have been excited. We should have celebrated and posted here to tell everyone! Instead, we trudged on like we do every other day. I have been afraid to post Brooke's accomplishments and triumphs out of fear. I see everyone else talk about their adoption or their child's gains and growth but I have been afraid to tell everyone about Brooke. I have feared everyone....I silently beg everyone around me to please not take my daughter away. I have feared you all. I have been afraid that she could be snatched away at any moment. One day, shortly after WACAP told us that Brooke was to be returned, I was watching out the window waiting for Brooke's bus. 5 minutes went by. 10 minutes, then 15. 20 minutes and no bus. My heart stopped beating and began pounding in my ears. My stomach tightened and I began to weep. After 30 minutes I called the school. The receptionist said "Oh, yes, Brooke is here. She missed her bus. Are you coming to get her soon?" Talk about taking 10 years off your life!!!! I nearly lost it w/ the lady but forced myself to calmly say "yes, I will be there soon." Upon hanging up the phone I broke into hiccupping sobs and fell to my knees. I thanked God that she was still here and told Him as soon as I could stand on my own 2 feet w/out collapsing I would drive to pick her up.

We've begun teaching Brooke life skills. I was planning on waiting a bit and introducing one thing at a time but now we feel forced into pushing all of these things on her at once. She must learn as must English as possible. She must learn as many skills as possible. If she must return, she must know how to protect herself and take care of herself. Brooke is 15. She will be 16 this year. Everyone knows you can't be adopted at that age. Everyone knows you are a lost one. She will not have another chance at a family. We're it. We're her family. The last chance she had to be a part of a family. At 15-16 you must begin to think of a future on your own....a future alone. You can't go to school because you never learned to read and write. No family, few friends, no home, no money, no job. No Mom to tuck you in at night. No Dad to help you learn to live on your own. No sister to laugh w/. No Grandparents to call. No confidence. No security. No family.

Brooke has been in 5 times in the last 30 minutes wanting me to come outside w/ her. I think we'll hang a basketball hoop over the garage. Brooke loves Basketball. I'll make a scrapbook of her too. Dad will buy her a bike. Her sister will draw her a picture of a heart. We'll enroll her in a Summer-school program. And I'll go on pretending forever for however long I have to, just to make her world a secure place. Just to make her world a place where she knows she's loved and needed. Even if it's only for a little while. Even if we only pretend it's forever.

And The Winner of Tonight's Award is.......

We tried to appeal but WACAP said they didn't know how. They said this has never happened before and they weren't sure of the process. We found an attorney who referred us to a specialist on immigration. They were unwilling to take our case because of a recent law suit involving some girls who were molested/murdered etc. Then, through a very special friend ( you know how much you mean to me, girl! ) we located an attorney in Thailand. He was extremely expensive and wanted the money w/in days. He would only write the appeal and wouldn't guarantee any further work. We couldn't come up w/ the money in time and failed to meet our appeal deadline and our hearts crumbled.

Fast forward to Monday the 14th of May. We headed to the art show at Brooke's school and got there in time for someone to attempt to snatch her into the gym. Apparently, she was up for an award we were unaware of! They quickly stuck her in line and I nearly cried when they announced her name. She had won 2 awards! My daughter of 7 months had just won 2 awards! We were so proud of her! We continued on after the awards ceremony to see her artwork showcased on the halls of the school. Our kids just keep giving us the awesome reasons to go on living and smiling in spite of the world around us. And of course they don't let us forget it. For an entire week we would be driving down the road and suddenly Brooke would shout out her name and the awards she won!

The next day would bring disaster again. The WACAP worker called to say Thailand had sent another letter asking the date of Brooke's return. My heart caved in. How much more of this could I take? How many more times can I go through feeling joy and hope, even laughing every once in a while, only to be down-trodden the very next moment. How many more days must I suffer through feelings of dispair and continue on as if I am a robot, wake up, make breakfast, get ready for work, watch Brooke get on the bus, take Cody to school, go to work, smile politely, tell everyone I am feeling fine, go home and choke down some lunch into my churning stomach, wait for Brooke to get off the bus and smile brightly and tell me about her day, pick Cody up from school, make dinner, tuck the kids in bed, and lay down to rest my broken body and mind....no sleep for me unless it's some form of passing out from complete emotional exhaustion.....all the while pretending forever.

Brooke doesn't know. She doesn't know what's happening although she suspects something horrible. Since that day in February when she caught me crying (I was hiding so I wouldn't scare her w/ the torrent of tears, and when she saw me she was mortified! How on earth could her happy, silly Mom be crying????) she has asked if I am happy. I answer "Yes! How could I not be? I have one more day w/ you!" and she smiles and goes on to ask Dad if he is happy. Every single day. Cody used to ask if Brooke was here to stay forever. I would answer yes. She wouldn't believe me so she would ask again and add "she's not a foster kid right? She's my sister forever right? She's never leaving?" and I would push her fears aside and assure her Brooke was here to stay and she would always be her sister. She stopped asking around the end of January. It's a good thing too. I don't think I could lie to her now and tell her that her sister was here to stay. Why haven't we told Brooke? We considered it. We asked a very dear friend to translate for us (a difficult thing to ask....why on earth would someone want to be the bearer of bad news?). Our friend said she would. She said she would because she wanted our feelings portrayed w/ love and emotion so that Brooke would know our true feelings and the truth of the situation. We changed our minds after a weekend of trying to convince ourselves to do it. We were all set to tell her when something would come up, or a feeling would wash over us telling us not to. Now, for those of you who do not like to read about God, you may stop here. For those of you who are prayers, Christians, etc....read on.

Pretending Forever

By the end of February we had received a phone call from WACAP. It seemed Thailand was telling us to return our daughter. How could that be? I must be mistaken. No....it's real. And it hurts so bad. Turns out, someone thinks we're unfit parents. After all we have been through, the two years of waiting, the endless tears of joy along the way, the nights of worry and sleeplessness, and the celebration of bringing home our long awaited child. Our daughter finally had a sister, we finally had another child, and our parents were Grandparents again. But it's all been make-believe. Someone made up an adoption journey game and in the end you don't get the prize. You don't even win. You get to go on living and that isn't a reward at all. It's misery and pain, hopelessness and fear. I don't want to be part of the game anymore, I just want to keep my daughters. I just want to stay a family of 4.

Did I tell you I lost two babies before? Yeah, I was an adult, thought everything was going my way until I had a miscarriage a few months into the pregnancy. A year later saw me at the breaking point, suffering through another baby lost. When we finally had our bio daughter I knew I would be ok, but I knew we could never go through that again. There are so many kids out there! There are so many kids who need a great home, a loving family, a safe place to grow. Did I tell you how Brooke filled a hole in my heart? Did I tell you how big it was? Our bio daughter, Cody, is an awesome kid. She's funny and smart and we love her so much. But there were holes there where my babies were missing. Brooke helped to fill a hole. She is one of my babies. She was meant to be a part of me, regardless of how she came to us. We are attached and bonded as if she has always been here. We couldn't imagine our lives w/out her.

We were told we could appeal w/in 30 days. We were still grieving and feeling such a huge loss over the words the WACAP worker had spoken. We were to take our daughter back. We were to return her to the country she didn't want to go back to. Yeah, we asked her if she wanted to go back. She said Noooooo and shook her head quite adamantly. We have asked her often since we brought her home and in the first month she would have said yes. By Christmas, she had changed her mind and bonded to us. If we asked her now, she would say no. If we asked her if she would like to go if we all went she would say "4 go? Mom, Dad, Me, Cody? Ok.....visit. Then home."

Did I tell you she loves to give and receive hugs? It was a huge step for her but the first time was a huge breaking point for our attachment. She was crying in her room, sitting on the floor. I went in and asked if I could sit w/ her. She had no idea at that time what I wanted but I sat anyway. We stayed that way for a long time, sitting together and thinking. I reached over and put my arm around her and she began to lean toward me a little. You could tell she hadn't been hugged before, at least for a very long time. Suddenly she sat up on her knees and grabbed me. I held on and didn't let go. The tears began to fall and I told her in Thai that I loved her. I told her what a good girl she was and how happy I was to have her for a daughter. After that, she seemed content to be in our home, in our family. At bedtimes, since the girls shared a room, I would stand in the middle of the floor and read a book to them, showing the illustrations and hearing them giggle. Then I would go to each girl and kiss my hand and plant it on her forehead. My way of showing how much I care about their privacy and security. Snickers and giggles would proceed a quick "Mom, I....Love You!" from Brooke. Then both girls would giggle and repeat it over and over until I was out of sight. Now, before Brooke goes to bed, she stands in the middle of the floor until I come in her room, wraps her arms around my waist and squeezes while telling me she loves me. I tuck her in bed and head out. I know in my heart, there are two safe, secure, happy girls in my home. But I go to bed feeling lost and depressed. For I am feeling as if I am pretending forever.

Measuring Life

Hey, everyone! It's been forever and ever since I posted. We've been through so much the last several months I feel like an empty shell of a person. You know when you find a locust at the end of summer, and it's dried and hollow....well that's me. Only I don't get the chance to dry up and die. I still have to go on living....go on making dinner and helping w/ homework, tucking the kids into bed and falling into an exhausted non-sleep pattern. I still have to get up and go to work and smile at the right moments and pretend I'm happy. Pretend forever.

Are you ready for this? Are you ready to feel pain and loss? Will you grieve w/ me? Then read on.....

In February, WACAP called to say they were coming to visit. A social worker was coming to visit us. As if we didn't already have enough social workers in our lives. She said she just wanted to check to make sure everything was going ok....she said Thailand was concerned for Brooke. Brooke is our daughter. Or so we thought. We traveled back in October to bring her home after waiting over 2 years. Brooke is 15....she turned 15 in December. Brooke had never had a cake before for her birthday, nor had she ever had gifts. She had never had anyone sing Happy Birthday. She had no idea how much fun it could be! We ordered up a huge Hello Kitty cake (Brooke loves pink) and took it to youth group one night. Suddenly, Brooke had 60-something kids singing happy birthday to her! It was an amazing night.

Anyway, back to the story.

I was a bit concerned and confused that a worker was coming to visit us since I had never heard of this happening. Tom and I wondered if this was something new or if it was simply because she is the oldest to be adopted from Thailand. We figured it must be the latter.

Excuse me, I had to step away just now to watch Brooke make her first attempt at riding a bike. Her Dad just promised her that he would buy her her very own bicycle. Will she be around to ride it?

I sure do get sidetracked easily! So, anyway, the WACAP worker insisted that she would be seeing Brooke at school but she would not "need" us until the afternoon. Hmmm.....why on earth would I not be there for our child? I was at the school an hour and a half before the worker was expected from the airport. I think they were a bit surprised to see me. I have been a foster parent for years and now I have been in the shoes of a "bio parent". It was scary.

There were 3 social workers there at the school. I had arranged for a translator as well as 2 teachers, the principle and the assistant principle to be there. It was very awkward and uncomfortable and Brooke was very nervous. After a bit, the worker asked that everyone leave. We complied, as I had nothing to hide and didn't mind them questioning our daughter alone. She is an honest and sensible girl and I knew she would be ok.

They were w/ her for an hour.

My stomach began to churn as I worried about my girl. Were they invading her privacy? Were they confusing her? Were they not allowing her enough time to answer? She has Cerebral Palsy and needs alot of time to form an answer and voice it. When they came out, Brooke was smiling at me but no one else was. I hugged her and told her how wonderful she was and how smart she was. Then, I had someone take her back to class and I showed the workers to our home.

Once here, there was some small talk as we waited for Tom to get home for lunch. No one asked to see Brooke's room, nor did they really seem to care how she was really doing. It surprised me but I thought maybe they had gathered enough info to satisfy and make a report.

The worker had decided after questioning Brooke that she was safe and happy in our home. Our wonderful, smart, funny Brooke! What a sense of humor and what a smart girl! No one had ever given her credit for the things she can do! She came to us barely speaking at all, knowing no English (beyond Hello, Bathroom, and the alphabet). She could barely speak above a whisper and her sentences were fragmented and incomplete. She ate as if she were starving, could not read or write her native language, and has scars over the majority of her body. We were told she was mentally retarded w/ an IQ of 57, was not active, did not like sports, and would never learn to read or write. Workers had been concerned that she could never learn another language, she was too old to adapt, would probably not be able to function in a family, and would want to come back after a while.

Brooke is reading and writing English at a Kindergarten level, her Math is at a first grade level, she can carry on a basic English conversation and has even learned a little Spanish (which we stopped speaking in our home to accommodate her learning English w/out confusion. She learned Spanish at school). Brooke loves school! But above and beyond that, her Thai language has improved! She can carry on a conversation in Thai, outloud and in full and complete sentences! She has even learned to write a little Thai! And all of this in less than 7 months!!!

Our girls are nuts about each other! They are sisters in every way possible except they rarely argue or fight. They are very compatible and adoring of each other. And they would be crushed to loose each other. Brooke loves her Grandparents and Great-Grandparents, all of her Aunts and Uncles and cousins too! Our entire family has taken this sweet girl in and made her a permanent part of a circle of love. And she knows she is loved and doted on by every member of our unique and diverse family.

Mind Games

Ya know, I was thinking about something Nok did when we first got home and it just made me laugh. I may have already mentioned it to you but I just think it's the cutest thing ever! When we took Cody to school the first Monday we were home, Nok was blowing into the air in little puffs to see her breath. She tried it this morning but it wasn't cold enough and there wasn't enough moisture in the air to make it work. She seemed a bit disappointed but I kept thinking to myself, "just wait til January. Kiddo, you'll get your fill of cold air and wonder what on earth has happened!" No, I'm not looking forward to it at all. Neither is Tommy. Cody asked the other day if God ever made snow that was warm. I said, "hunny, it's already on the ground and it's called sand".

The International Festival is happening this weekend! We are soooo excited! You can purchase tickets to redeem for food and drinks at different booths. There are booths and crafts and people from all over the world there! It's so fun and I think Nok is confident enough w/ our family now that she will have a really good time. The different societies also put on little culture shows and they are the koolest shows ever! They say it ends at 9 but they usually end around 10pm. It's a blast and we love the different foods. Of course Thai, Filippino, and Japanese foods are our favorites.

Yesterday, I had taken Cody to spend her two birthday gift certificates and she was so sweet to Nok. She said "here, Nok, you can have one of my gift cards because I don't want you to feel left out and not get a present." Nok wandered around the store for an hour and couldn't find anything she wanted so I finally got a kitten puzzle. She was pretty bummed at first but I was ready to go home. When we got home I sat her down in front of the puzzle and then Tommy and Cody ended up helping a bit. Everyone put in 4 or 5 pieces and then let Nok take off w/ it. She was done in no time and then took it apart and put it back together again in about 3 minutes!!!! It was a junior puzzle but holy cow! I couldn't have done that! Then we cheered her on and she laughed and laughed! I thought she may be good at memory games so I got out Cody's My Little Pony memory game. She kept up for the most part but would tend to get stuck on one particular pony that she would turn over every single time. Tommy would kinda set it up so she would see a familiar card and then she could find the other pretty fast. I took a picture of the girls playing the My Little Pony game w/ their Dad. I got to play a little but I was cooking dinner. It was really exciting to see them all having so much fun and I told Tommy it was good for him.....it brought out the little girl in him. I don't think he thought that was very funny though.

Marching Band

I don't think it was so much of an accident. She's been shyly kissing back at me ever since that first night. I like it and I'm pretty sure, secretly, Nok likes it too haha! Dad thinks it's cute and Cody thinks it's pretty silly!
So, after calling every single day for a week, I finally got someone to call me back from the school district. They want to put Nok in a regular classroom and monitor her and provide for her needs in a basic classroom setting instead of putting her in the special education program right away. They did say that if she needs the special ed program that they will be happy to put her there but they really want to see if they can bring her up to speed this way first. I'm happy with the decision and I think Nok will be thrilled to get back into school. We can tell she really misses it and really needs the socialization and "people" skills. I think it will serve well to plunge her into English and encourage her to learn. Right now she is really dependent on a particular Thai CD she has, and although I am hesitant to take it from her, I think she is leaning too much on it. We'll see how things look next week. Nok is doing really well w/ the schooling I am able to provide but still refuses to speak English to me. She will speak to Tommy and Cody but not to me. I can ask her questions until I am blue in the face but I get absolutely no verbal response. Last night I did get her to whisper "yes" to me though. I was cooking dinner and I asked if she was hungry. I didn't look up to watch her nod although I saw her out of the corner of my eye. She nodded and I asked again. I asked if she was hungry about 12 times and she finally whispered yes. Naturally, I responded positively but she just grinned and headed back to her room to listen to her Thai CD. It's interesting that she always turns it on right away after we have done school for the morning. I did catch her watching herself in the mirror yesterday as she recited the ABC's to herself in a violent whisper! It was so funny! I laughed and asked what she was doing and she just snickered and went back to whispering to herself.
And.....Nok has learned how to whistle and how to snap. She learned how to snap just before we left Thailand and thought it was the neatest thing. Then a few days ago I noticed she kept puckering up in front of the mirror. I ignored it thinking it was something silly she was doing. Then yesterday while we were driving down the road I heard my wheels squealing and thought I must have dirt in them. But the squealing seemed random. And then I noticed my wheels even squealed when I was stopped. By turning my head a bit I realized what it was. I flipped down my mirror and watched her pucker up and whistle! She was so pleased w/ herself she whistled for Dad! Then I had Tommy, Nok and Cody all whistling something different at the same time! It was interesting anyway. Today Nok decided to whistle and snap at the same time. I had my very own marching band!
We've had ins and outs but things seem to be going well. What would I do w/out those behind the scenes friends and family members? The ones I call when I am flipping out or need advice or even a bit of translation! Thank you all......and thank you to everyone for your prayers and kind words and endless encouragement. I think of you daily and wish you all the best.