We're nearly gone! We are scheduled to leave tomorrow evening! It's so exciting but I'm also getting a bit nervous. It's finally happening and we just can't believe it! Cody is excited but a bit clingy too, so I have been letting her cling to me as much as she wants. We're keeping her home from school to spend her birthday with her tomorrow.
It will be exciting to go but I'm sure to cry when I leave Cody. She has been to my mom's house for a month long stay before but it's been a couple years. I feel I've invested my entire heart and soul into her and it will be hard to kiss her goodbye, knowing it will be three long weeks before I can hold her again. But, I will soon be able to hold both of my girls!
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Monday, September 25, 2006
Plan of Action
When "it" hit the fan last week, I thought I would never see Nok. I was sure I would never have the chance to hug her and tell her how long we have wanted her to be our daughter. It was hard, emotional, and I was just a wreck! I had cried so much my eyes looked bruised and my face was swollen. Tommy was terribly upset and had worked out a plan to go ahead and go to Thailand....only I wouldn't be coming back. No No No....he wasn't planning on getting rid of me!
Once again it comes down to money. Our agency told us "this adoption isn't going to happen. We won't be responsible for this child." All because of money. Yes, they wanted more money again. They said we wouldn't be able to go unless we paid them. We felt totally and completely stuck. They had our hearts in their hands and were mercilessly squeezing. What more could we do? We gave them what they wanted. And in return we feel as if we have bought a child from them. It's a feeling that still makes my stomach churn and I'm in complete awe that someone could get away with something like this.
For two days I cried and at the end of the second day I snapped out of it and got busy. I've learned paperwork doesn't do itself and most agencies just want money. WACAP has been absolutely wonderful and they have gone above and beyond what we expected. Encore! We are leaving for Bangkok, Thailand on Friday September 29th. The day Cody turns 7.
We've been through so much it almost seems unreal. We've been told time and again that no one should have to go through this much just to adopt a child. Especially an older child with a disability. Of course we knew this already but it helps to know people empathize with us. Shame on those agencies who "sell" children, shame on those directors whose hearts have dollar signs through the middle. But it's not over yet. We haven't even traveled yet! And there is still finalization to go through months after our return. But, I will have my daughters.
God promised He would never give us anything more than what we could handle. I think He maxed me out this past week. I have been through the fire, I'm still not shiny or shaped like a beautiful jewel, but I really don't know if I could handle anything that difficult again. Family and friends keep asking "But, there is a coup going on in Bangkok right now! There are tanks in the city and people are shooting! Will you be ok?" Yeah....we'll be fine. It's not much to worry about. What we've been through this past week overshadows any hardships we can actually see coming toward us. It's the unknown that scares me. And you can see shooting and violence any day in Denver. The only differences are there are no tanks on Denver's streets....and people actually get shot and killed in Denver!
When Tommy said he had formulated a plan, I knew what he was going to say. He had thought about it all day long while driving a silage truck back and forth, loading in the field and dumping in the pit. The monotony droned him into a plan of action. He walked in the door that night and said "Well?" I gave him the run down. It took 3 hours to cover everything that had happened. He was furious when I was done telling him what our agency had done to us. He said "I had decided we would pack as much as we could, put it in storage and apply for Cody's passport. Then I would go to Thailand with you and go through the DSDW meeting and the rest of the process. I was going to get an apartment for you and Nok and then come back home, sell as much stuff as I could and Cody and I were moving to Thailand with you and Nok for the next 2 years. Until we could come back home." It was a great plan. A lot of heart and emotion went into the making of it. A lot of sacrifice and love. That's what a "Daddy" is made of. The hard part was not knowing what was going to happen. The easy part would have been saying yes. And the part that scares me the most.....At the end of 2 years, I may not have wanted to come back.
Once again it comes down to money. Our agency told us "this adoption isn't going to happen. We won't be responsible for this child." All because of money. Yes, they wanted more money again. They said we wouldn't be able to go unless we paid them. We felt totally and completely stuck. They had our hearts in their hands and were mercilessly squeezing. What more could we do? We gave them what they wanted. And in return we feel as if we have bought a child from them. It's a feeling that still makes my stomach churn and I'm in complete awe that someone could get away with something like this.
For two days I cried and at the end of the second day I snapped out of it and got busy. I've learned paperwork doesn't do itself and most agencies just want money. WACAP has been absolutely wonderful and they have gone above and beyond what we expected. Encore! We are leaving for Bangkok, Thailand on Friday September 29th. The day Cody turns 7.
We've been through so much it almost seems unreal. We've been told time and again that no one should have to go through this much just to adopt a child. Especially an older child with a disability. Of course we knew this already but it helps to know people empathize with us. Shame on those agencies who "sell" children, shame on those directors whose hearts have dollar signs through the middle. But it's not over yet. We haven't even traveled yet! And there is still finalization to go through months after our return. But, I will have my daughters.
God promised He would never give us anything more than what we could handle. I think He maxed me out this past week. I have been through the fire, I'm still not shiny or shaped like a beautiful jewel, but I really don't know if I could handle anything that difficult again. Family and friends keep asking "But, there is a coup going on in Bangkok right now! There are tanks in the city and people are shooting! Will you be ok?" Yeah....we'll be fine. It's not much to worry about. What we've been through this past week overshadows any hardships we can actually see coming toward us. It's the unknown that scares me. And you can see shooting and violence any day in Denver. The only differences are there are no tanks on Denver's streets....and people actually get shot and killed in Denver!
When Tommy said he had formulated a plan, I knew what he was going to say. He had thought about it all day long while driving a silage truck back and forth, loading in the field and dumping in the pit. The monotony droned him into a plan of action. He walked in the door that night and said "Well?" I gave him the run down. It took 3 hours to cover everything that had happened. He was furious when I was done telling him what our agency had done to us. He said "I had decided we would pack as much as we could, put it in storage and apply for Cody's passport. Then I would go to Thailand with you and go through the DSDW meeting and the rest of the process. I was going to get an apartment for you and Nok and then come back home, sell as much stuff as I could and Cody and I were moving to Thailand with you and Nok for the next 2 years. Until we could come back home." It was a great plan. A lot of heart and emotion went into the making of it. A lot of sacrifice and love. That's what a "Daddy" is made of. The hard part was not knowing what was going to happen. The easy part would have been saying yes. And the part that scares me the most.....At the end of 2 years, I may not have wanted to come back.
Monday, September 18, 2006
Peace and Calm
Peace. It's been a peaceful weekend and we finally celebrated! It felt good to be content and at peace that we're going to Thailand and everything is working out just fine! I am making final arrangements for everything from Cody's school schedule to our domestic tickets while in Thailand!
Last night I was tucking Cody in bed and she said "Mom, when are you going to get my sister?" She knows travel is coming up pretty soon and she's been getting clingy. I assured her it would be soon and she wanted to know what day Gramma was coming to stay with her and what day we were leaving. I told her and she said "OK, good night!". This morning she comes bursting out of the bathroom (she was looking at the calendar) and says "Mom! Guess what!? GramMarcia will be here in 10 days and you are leaving to get my sister in 11 days!" Of course, I was both shocked and surprised that she knew what day today was and what day we were leaving! I had shown her once last week but didn't think she would really pay attention. But, I think in her mind she thinks we will be gone a day or two and then we'll be back. I think it will be a long three weeks......
Last night I was tucking Cody in bed and she said "Mom, when are you going to get my sister?" She knows travel is coming up pretty soon and she's been getting clingy. I assured her it would be soon and she wanted to know what day Gramma was coming to stay with her and what day we were leaving. I told her and she said "OK, good night!". This morning she comes bursting out of the bathroom (she was looking at the calendar) and says "Mom! Guess what!? GramMarcia will be here in 10 days and you are leaving to get my sister in 11 days!" Of course, I was both shocked and surprised that she knew what day today was and what day we were leaving! I had shown her once last week but didn't think she would really pay attention. But, I think in her mind she thinks we will be gone a day or two and then we'll be back. I think it will be a long three weeks......
Friday, September 15, 2006
When the Storms Pass
When will the insanity stop! I hope everything is fixed now. Every time I get happy something bad happens. We had applied for a grant quite a while back and had requested $1,000 but had actually thought we wouldn't get it. I contacted the grant agency several weeks ago and I guess they realized we were serious. They requested tons of paperwork including our home study. And that's when our problems started up again.
To make a long story short, our previous agency had some unethical practices so we left them and got special permission from the state to contract to an agency for post placement services only. Our dossier, including our home study, had already gotten state approval as well as approval from USCIS and Thailand. We were ready to go. Then, our agency had suddenly decided they wanted an outrageous sum of money for things we had paid for out of our pockets. They said they were revoking our home study. No one seemed to think they could actually do that since everything was already finished! We didn't want any trouble w/ them so we struck a deal. They called at 9pm Wednesday to negotiate and came up at 11am Thursday to update our home study and revalidate the original. We felt really good about it and they left happy as well.
Then I called the grant agency to see if we got the grant. Not only did they award it but they awarded $2,000 instead of just $1,000!!!!! I'd like to think they based their decision solely on my honesty and our great need for this money before we go! I felt on top of the world! Our plane tickets are paid for, we should be getting those paper tickets by FedEx in the next few days and will receive our updated home study sometime mid-next week. I'm still afraid to smile or be too excited but I can't help feeling happy again. We leave in two weeks.
While all of this was going on, Monday through Thursday of this week, I felt lost. I felt so hopeless and begged God to give me the faith that moves mountains. He instilled peace in my spirit but my heart still pounded and my stomach was in knots. I had gone to the church at one point to drop some stuff off and no one was there. When I entered the sanctuary I felt my Creator calling me to kneel before Him and tell Him all my troubles. I did. I knelt down and began speaking to Him and crying. I laid across the steps and I wept. For 20 minutes my spirit cried for peace and hope and when I stood up I felt like everything was going to be ok. I went on w/ my day, wondering what would happen to us but knowing in my heart it would all work out. Yesterday, I went a bit early to pick up Cody from school just so I could drop by God's house for a few moments. Again, no one was there. I knelt, this time w/ a happy heart and a peaceful spirit and I simply said "Thanks!" I told my Friend what I was thankful for and thanked Him again for giving me the faith that not only moved a mountain, but moved my spirit too. Just a closer Walk With Thee.....
When I went back out to my vehicle I turned back toward the church and smiled and said "Thanks for being home so we could talk. I enjoyed it." And He said He did too. He told me to come back soon....and He promised He'd be there.
To make a long story short, our previous agency had some unethical practices so we left them and got special permission from the state to contract to an agency for post placement services only. Our dossier, including our home study, had already gotten state approval as well as approval from USCIS and Thailand. We were ready to go. Then, our agency had suddenly decided they wanted an outrageous sum of money for things we had paid for out of our pockets. They said they were revoking our home study. No one seemed to think they could actually do that since everything was already finished! We didn't want any trouble w/ them so we struck a deal. They called at 9pm Wednesday to negotiate and came up at 11am Thursday to update our home study and revalidate the original. We felt really good about it and they left happy as well.
Then I called the grant agency to see if we got the grant. Not only did they award it but they awarded $2,000 instead of just $1,000!!!!! I'd like to think they based their decision solely on my honesty and our great need for this money before we go! I felt on top of the world! Our plane tickets are paid for, we should be getting those paper tickets by FedEx in the next few days and will receive our updated home study sometime mid-next week. I'm still afraid to smile or be too excited but I can't help feeling happy again. We leave in two weeks.
While all of this was going on, Monday through Thursday of this week, I felt lost. I felt so hopeless and begged God to give me the faith that moves mountains. He instilled peace in my spirit but my heart still pounded and my stomach was in knots. I had gone to the church at one point to drop some stuff off and no one was there. When I entered the sanctuary I felt my Creator calling me to kneel before Him and tell Him all my troubles. I did. I knelt down and began speaking to Him and crying. I laid across the steps and I wept. For 20 minutes my spirit cried for peace and hope and when I stood up I felt like everything was going to be ok. I went on w/ my day, wondering what would happen to us but knowing in my heart it would all work out. Yesterday, I went a bit early to pick up Cody from school just so I could drop by God's house for a few moments. Again, no one was there. I knelt, this time w/ a happy heart and a peaceful spirit and I simply said "Thanks!" I told my Friend what I was thankful for and thanked Him again for giving me the faith that not only moved a mountain, but moved my spirit too. Just a closer Walk With Thee.....
When I went back out to my vehicle I turned back toward the church and smiled and said "Thanks for being home so we could talk. I enjoyed it." And He said He did too. He told me to come back soon....and He promised He'd be there.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Climbing Back Out
I started breathing again although very cautiously. I think I'm afraid to be happy now...afraid something else is going to happen. By 1:15 on Thursday we had gotten a call back saying everything was going to be ok. Immigration has decided they're going to be ok with us bringing our daughter back, although we may face a bit of resistance and maybe some troubles at finalization. While we were waiting to hear back from our agency on the immigration issue, the seats for either of the flights we needed booked up very fast. We're hoping our agent calls tomorrow with tickets that fit our needs. As soon as he does I am booking them haha!
So, right now, I'm thinking of things that need to be done before we go. I made directions to all the places that would need to be visited. Just in case the people staying here need them. I am buying extra stuff like dog food, toilet paper and Mac N Cheese. Can't be running out of things like that! Making sure things are flowing well and hopefully I won't forget anything when we leave!
We received a pleasant surprise today! Nok's English teacher sent us some pictures and a nice long email about her. It was so exciting and we were thrilled to get it! Our girl is growing up so fast and we aren't even there to see it! But, we're leaving in less than 3 weeks and we'll have all that time after we pick her up to get to know her.
Cody has decided to measure herself against my height. She's decided she's as tall as my armpit. Hmmm.....could be an interesting concept. I can just see our next visit to the doctor for a checkup "Ok, Cody, step on the scale. Wonderful! It looks like you're 1/16th of your mommy's current weight! Now let's check your height. Oh my goodness! You are growing like a weed! You're already armpit high!"
Yeah, I'm in a great mood tonight!
So, right now, I'm thinking of things that need to be done before we go. I made directions to all the places that would need to be visited. Just in case the people staying here need them. I am buying extra stuff like dog food, toilet paper and Mac N Cheese. Can't be running out of things like that! Making sure things are flowing well and hopefully I won't forget anything when we leave!
We received a pleasant surprise today! Nok's English teacher sent us some pictures and a nice long email about her. It was so exciting and we were thrilled to get it! Our girl is growing up so fast and we aren't even there to see it! But, we're leaving in less than 3 weeks and we'll have all that time after we pick her up to get to know her.
Cody has decided to measure herself against my height. She's decided she's as tall as my armpit. Hmmm.....could be an interesting concept. I can just see our next visit to the doctor for a checkup "Ok, Cody, step on the scale. Wonderful! It looks like you're 1/16th of your mommy's current weight! Now let's check your height. Oh my goodness! You are growing like a weed! You're already armpit high!"
Yeah, I'm in a great mood tonight!
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Helium
Okay, I just typed this huge blog entry and lost the entire thing. I just broke down and began sobbing. I can't take this today!
You know when you blow up a balloon with helium and then pinch the end and let a bit of air escape and it makes that silly squealing noise? Well, that didn't happen to us. Someone just stabbed our balloon with a knife and popped it.
Let me go back a bit. This may take a while.
We were thrilled. I was bouncing off the walls like a kid with ADHD. I was checking into Guest Houses, exploring plane tickets, brushing up on my Thai, gathering groceries and other resources for the people who are staying here while we're gone for three weeks, running to the bank to get things notarized, racing to the post office to get things mailed....it's just been plain crazy here. And terribly exciting! We received quite a few friendly emails from Guest Houses, along with some great rates. A very nice person from one of our online Adoption groups sent the info of a travel agent near us. He was all over it! He worked late, he got us great prices and a good flight schedule....and we were preparing to book our tickets today. We were booking tickets to bring home a child we've been waiting for for 1 year and 9 months! We were anxious to know our path was there, paid for, and waiting for us to step onto it and sit for 21 hours, flying through the air at unreal speeds, unreal heights. Kinda like what we were already feeling.
Last night I was headed to the VBS reunion for the kids at our church and thought I'd better check my email just to make sure there wasn't anyone I needed to get back to right away. I had spent most of the day on and off the phone with our agency making sure things were signed correctly and this and that. I called and left a message for her reminding her we needed copies of our home study to take with us for Nok's Visa.
And then someone plunged the dull knife into my balloon. Our agency rep emailed and said something like -
Don't book your tickets yet. Your home study is expired and you will not be able to get your child's Visa without a current home study.
WhAt?!?!?!
Did they just happen to look at our home study and say "Golly-gee! It appears their home study is expired! Whatever shall we do?"
So, I went to the vehicle and got in. Drove to the VBS reunion and tried to appear thrilled to be there. I was in charge of recreation. I put on a huge smile, shouted at the top of my voice the instructions for the games, and tried my hardest to not break down right there in front of all those smiling faces and happy parents. I felt empty and numb inside.
We are not allowed to own a copy of our home study in our state. We haven't even seen the home study and we don't know when it was actually done. We had no idea this was coming but we had specifically asked about 2-3 weeks ago if all of our documents were ok and nothing was about to expire. And we were told....
yep, you guessed it "Everything is just fine!"
Obviously not.
Now we wait. I have no idea what's going to happen. I have been going through my day mechanically. get up, let the dogs out, wake Cody up, dress her, feed her, drive her to school, wave at the appropriate people, turn on my blinker, stop at the stop sign, etc. I don't remember the drive back home. I do remember thinking at one point "that light is always green when I come this way. Why did it turn red today?" I'm pretty sure I stopped on a dime. Got home, did some laundry and stared at the wall. I need someone to tell me what to think, what to do, how to smile, what to say. I can't think for myself and I have no desire to. I remember thinking a few days ago "Is it legal to be this happy?" Obviously not.
And we're back to playing the waiting game. That was fast. That little glory and victory moment didn't last long. I can't handle this stress. I just need a break.
You know when you blow up a balloon with helium and then pinch the end and let a bit of air escape and it makes that silly squealing noise? Well, that didn't happen to us. Someone just stabbed our balloon with a knife and popped it.
Let me go back a bit. This may take a while.
We were thrilled. I was bouncing off the walls like a kid with ADHD. I was checking into Guest Houses, exploring plane tickets, brushing up on my Thai, gathering groceries and other resources for the people who are staying here while we're gone for three weeks, running to the bank to get things notarized, racing to the post office to get things mailed....it's just been plain crazy here. And terribly exciting! We received quite a few friendly emails from Guest Houses, along with some great rates. A very nice person from one of our online Adoption groups sent the info of a travel agent near us. He was all over it! He worked late, he got us great prices and a good flight schedule....and we were preparing to book our tickets today. We were booking tickets to bring home a child we've been waiting for for 1 year and 9 months! We were anxious to know our path was there, paid for, and waiting for us to step onto it and sit for 21 hours, flying through the air at unreal speeds, unreal heights. Kinda like what we were already feeling.
Last night I was headed to the VBS reunion for the kids at our church and thought I'd better check my email just to make sure there wasn't anyone I needed to get back to right away. I had spent most of the day on and off the phone with our agency making sure things were signed correctly and this and that. I called and left a message for her reminding her we needed copies of our home study to take with us for Nok's Visa.
And then someone plunged the dull knife into my balloon. Our agency rep emailed and said something like -
Don't book your tickets yet. Your home study is expired and you will not be able to get your child's Visa without a current home study.
WhAt?!?!?!
Did they just happen to look at our home study and say "Golly-gee! It appears their home study is expired! Whatever shall we do?"
So, I went to the vehicle and got in. Drove to the VBS reunion and tried to appear thrilled to be there. I was in charge of recreation. I put on a huge smile, shouted at the top of my voice the instructions for the games, and tried my hardest to not break down right there in front of all those smiling faces and happy parents. I felt empty and numb inside.
We are not allowed to own a copy of our home study in our state. We haven't even seen the home study and we don't know when it was actually done. We had no idea this was coming but we had specifically asked about 2-3 weeks ago if all of our documents were ok and nothing was about to expire. And we were told....
yep, you guessed it "Everything is just fine!"
Obviously not.
Now we wait. I have no idea what's going to happen. I have been going through my day mechanically. get up, let the dogs out, wake Cody up, dress her, feed her, drive her to school, wave at the appropriate people, turn on my blinker, stop at the stop sign, etc. I don't remember the drive back home. I do remember thinking at one point "that light is always green when I come this way. Why did it turn red today?" I'm pretty sure I stopped on a dime. Got home, did some laundry and stared at the wall. I need someone to tell me what to think, what to do, how to smile, what to say. I can't think for myself and I have no desire to. I remember thinking a few days ago "Is it legal to be this happy?" Obviously not.
And we're back to playing the waiting game. That was fast. That little glory and victory moment didn't last long. I can't handle this stress. I just need a break.
Saturday, September 02, 2006
Thailand - Here We Come!
3...2...1....we have a travel date!!!!!!!!!!!!! We received our call yesterday as I was driving down the road. The agency worker said "We received your child history and I am getting that ready to send to you. But....also....and this never happens at this stage.....they sent a travel date for you as well!" I had to pull off the road before I wrecked! She said we actually had a choice of dates and that never happens either. We chose the October 11th date and should be leaving around September 30th!!!! We'll be back around October 21st. I can't believe I actually got to sleep last night and for the most part slept the majority of the night. Of course I was up early this morning wagging my tail and anxious to post this so everyone knows. When she told me the great news I think I was in shock. I realize now I was blubbering nonsense and had a pretty good idea I should be asking questions but had no idea what questions to ask. So, we're exploring plane tickets, talking about finances, and planning Cody's birthday party for just right before we leave. She wanted to ride bumper cars for her birthday and we jumped at the opportunity to enjoy ourselves as well. It should be a great way to spend up some frustration and energy the weekend before we leave the country.
So, we're excited and anxious and nervous and can't wait to be on the plane headed for the next adventure of a lifetime!
So, we're excited and anxious and nervous and can't wait to be on the plane headed for the next adventure of a lifetime!
Friday, August 25, 2006
Blur of Words
The words and images of this past week have all blurred together to make one deliriously happy person -
(me, of course!). On Monday we got the call to prepare the two interesting answers to the very in-depth, two-fold questions. I got those knocked out in less than 15 minutes and they were on their way to Thailand later that day, by fax or email. We were told not to expect to hear anything until next week. Well.......
On Thursday we received another call from our agency. I really thought it was strange and it scared me a bit to answer the phone. I didn't want my perfect week to be ruined! But it was thrilling to hear the news! We have been formally matched and received a thumbs up for approval from the board! We have some paperwork we'll need to fill out and wait for our child's history and then we should be given a date on when we need to be there. Whew!
(me, of course!). On Monday we got the call to prepare the two interesting answers to the very in-depth, two-fold questions. I got those knocked out in less than 15 minutes and they were on their way to Thailand later that day, by fax or email. We were told not to expect to hear anything until next week. Well.......
On Thursday we received another call from our agency. I really thought it was strange and it scared me a bit to answer the phone. I didn't want my perfect week to be ruined! But it was thrilling to hear the news! We have been formally matched and received a thumbs up for approval from the board! We have some paperwork we'll need to fill out and wait for our child's history and then we should be given a date on when we need to be there. Whew!
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Smiles Meant For Heaven
Okay, so today I will spend the rest of the day smiling the biggest, dummest smile I can manage. Today I received a card from my teenager!!!! I don't know whose address it is, who sent it (trying to find that part out now), and who cared enough for us to make sure it was sent to us....but it was a thrilling moment for me. So many wonderful things have been happening the last few days I feel as if my heart will explode at any moment!
I was out changing the sprinkler in our yard when I felt the mailbox nearly shouting for my attention. I looked up and sighed, and headed for it. We've been getting bills the last few days (it's that time of the month) and I really didn't want to check the mail at all. I pulled out a sale paper and brown envelope and thought hmmmm this looks like more fun than the sale paper. And then I flipped it over to read who it was from. My heart nearly stopped when I read the name at the top of the return address. Nok. I couldn't breathe! The world rocked backward for a moment and tipped sideways and then my heart kickstarted and began pounding and I rushed back to the house. When I reached the steps I thought to myself "I am going to enjoy every single moment of this. I don't know what's in it, but I know I will love it". So I took myself to my relaxing basket swing and slowly opened the envelope. A card. It's orange (I love orange) and it has a bright yellow flower with a light orange center pasted on as well as a light green leaf with dark green "veins". The stem was drawn on with a marker. A single sheet of white paper is attached to the inside with some stickers (a smiley face and a heart!) and written inside are the words:
smile
because
I
love you
from Nok
And the tears of joy and delight flowed so easily right along w/ Thanksgiving and Praise to my Creator. I lifted my face to heaven and gave Him my biggest smile and said "Thank You".
I was out changing the sprinkler in our yard when I felt the mailbox nearly shouting for my attention. I looked up and sighed, and headed for it. We've been getting bills the last few days (it's that time of the month) and I really didn't want to check the mail at all. I pulled out a sale paper and brown envelope and thought hmmmm this looks like more fun than the sale paper. And then I flipped it over to read who it was from. My heart nearly stopped when I read the name at the top of the return address. Nok. I couldn't breathe! The world rocked backward for a moment and tipped sideways and then my heart kickstarted and began pounding and I rushed back to the house. When I reached the steps I thought to myself "I am going to enjoy every single moment of this. I don't know what's in it, but I know I will love it". So I took myself to my relaxing basket swing and slowly opened the envelope. A card. It's orange (I love orange) and it has a bright yellow flower with a light orange center pasted on as well as a light green leaf with dark green "veins". The stem was drawn on with a marker. A single sheet of white paper is attached to the inside with some stickers (a smiley face and a heart!) and written inside are the words:
smile
because
I
love you
from Nok
And the tears of joy and delight flowed so easily right along w/ Thanksgiving and Praise to my Creator. I lifted my face to heaven and gave Him my biggest smile and said "Thank You".
Monday, August 21, 2006
Disco Inside My Head
There's so much going on in there it sounds like what I imagine an 80's Disco would've sounded like. I can practically see the disco ball reflecting a million colors across the backs of my eyelids!
Our agency called today. It was good news, but a bit confusing. I guess Thailand has some pretty specific questions they wanted us to answer. So I got online right away and answered them! I hope by this evening or tomorrow morning our answers will be on their way by fax to a certain Thai Social Worker and then by Tuesday night (in America) they will be headed to a board meeting. We don't know what will happen next but it looks like we should be traveling sooner than we thought!
We've also been invited to an Elephant Polo Match in Thailand but I don't think we'll be traveling that soon. So many wonderful things are happening that I almost feel a bit lost in the crowd. Wait a minute....what crowd? There's no one here but me, and nothing to do at the moment, but I feel rushed and intimidated for some reason. Guess I better go clear my head. Wish me luck, cuz I'm deliriously happy! haha!
Our agency called today. It was good news, but a bit confusing. I guess Thailand has some pretty specific questions they wanted us to answer. So I got online right away and answered them! I hope by this evening or tomorrow morning our answers will be on their way by fax to a certain Thai Social Worker and then by Tuesday night (in America) they will be headed to a board meeting. We don't know what will happen next but it looks like we should be traveling sooner than we thought!
We've also been invited to an Elephant Polo Match in Thailand but I don't think we'll be traveling that soon. So many wonderful things are happening that I almost feel a bit lost in the crowd. Wait a minute....what crowd? There's no one here but me, and nothing to do at the moment, but I feel rushed and intimidated for some reason. Guess I better go clear my head. Wish me luck, cuz I'm deliriously happy! haha!
Friday, August 18, 2006
The Insane Waiting Game
Now that something is happening I feel a bit loopy with the wait. I can't help but wonder where our daughter's paperwork is at now, whose hands is it in, when will it arrive. Has it made it out of the orphanage and into the DSDW office? Has it made it from the Orphanage Director to the DSDW Director? Has it made it far enough to already be in the hands of our Thai social worker??? And then I think that there could possibly be something in her file that will make me weep, that will make me wish I had never known, something that will keep me awake long into the night wondering how I can fix it. I always felt that way as a foster parent. Opening, for the first time, the file of a child who just moved into our home. Reading, but not understanding, the horrors that child has faced in just a few short years. What has our new daughter had to go through until we found her? Will this child be different than the others? What will I see? Can I fix it? Where did this crazy idea come from? The idea that I could actually fix something emotionally troubling? I think we've been waiting for our daughter for way too long haha! Gives me too much time to think! I was talking to my mom just yesterday about how well I thrive in a chaotic environment, and she laughed and agreed that I do well. I can't handle sitting and having time to think these things out. I need to be moving and thinking on several different tracks at once.
I started a journal for our new daughter. Cody has a baby book but what will a teenager come with? I started this journal back in October 2004 and it's over halfway filled with my thoughts specific to our adopting this child. I know it won't take the place of watching her crawl or seeing her take her first step, and being able to write about that. But I hope our journal will one day provide insight for her to know how much we couldn't wait to have her home. Cody just started school and I have too much time on my hands now. It's August and we keep trying to guess when we'll be invited to travel. Will it be September or October? What week? What will be going on that i'll have to try to juggle or cancel? It's the waiting game.... still.....and it's driving me nuts!
I started a journal for our new daughter. Cody has a baby book but what will a teenager come with? I started this journal back in October 2004 and it's over halfway filled with my thoughts specific to our adopting this child. I know it won't take the place of watching her crawl or seeing her take her first step, and being able to write about that. But I hope our journal will one day provide insight for her to know how much we couldn't wait to have her home. Cody just started school and I have too much time on my hands now. It's August and we keep trying to guess when we'll be invited to travel. Will it be September or October? What week? What will be going on that i'll have to try to juggle or cancel? It's the waiting game.... still.....and it's driving me nuts!
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Strange Dreams....and The Road Less Traveled
Ok, the past few nights I have been having strange dreams. I remember when I was pregnant with Cody I had this recurring dream (nearly a nightmare) that I was in labor in Russia (I was reading "The Romanovs" at the time)and everyone was speaking Russian. No one was speaking English but somehow I knew something was wrong. I was in labor for days and weeks and everyone kept speaking Russian to me! I was so confused and angry that the baby just wouldn't come and that everyone was speaking a language I couldn't understand! Now I feel that way again. I started having strange dreams a couple weeks ago and they seem pregnancy and adoption related. Confusing things happen in my dreams and people are speaking languages I just can't comprehend. I didn't really understand until about 27 minutes ago. Suddenly it came to me! The language of adoption! I was reading over some guidelines and information for what we will have to do in Thailand, and all the places we have to go and forms we have to file. There's the Passport stuff, the Visa stuff, and DSDW stuff. We have to go to the USCIS office and US Embassy, as well as the Doctor's office, and the scariest one - The DSDW office for the adoption interview. Who knows where else we will have to go. We have to make sure her paperwork is translated for the appropriate people, get copies of the appropriate forms, make sure the translations are letter for letter. We will have appointments that we have to show up for and then wait for indefinite amounts of time, and certainly something won't be quite right and we'll need to redo or show up another day for this or that. Ahhh the adoption and immigration process. And just think....there are thousands of illegals from Mexico here, they didn't have to pay much to get here.....no waiting for appointments, no long lines, no forms to fill out, no translating documents or making copies, no faxes, and no interviews to see if they meet the standards of the sending country. Actually, it makes me ill to think of it. We're doing what's necessary to add a wonderful addition to our little family, and as much as we dread the paperwork and all the fees, we know it's what we are meant to do. The Road Less Traveled. When I had Cody it was new ground, new territory. This is all brand new too. But I have the feeling, should we adopt again, it will still feel all new. A new road, one we've never been down before.
Thousands upon thousands of adoptive parents have been this way before, but we feel like adventurers. Not taking the road that's worn well, but the road less traveled. Here is an exerpt (that's a word, right?) by that famous poem by Robert Frost:
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
But really.....is the poem about the road less traveled or the one not taken? I feel as if I've traveled both....or all. And I will continue down the road until I come to another fork....another decision. This time, when I look around me, we'll be a family of 4. Someone once told me "you can't save them all." She was referring to the children in the custody of social services. I guess I can only travel one road at a time, but i'll try my best to choose the right road, because I can only choose one road. I'll always travel the road less popular, the road that leads to emotional and spiritual growth. And that will make all the difference.
Thousands upon thousands of adoptive parents have been this way before, but we feel like adventurers. Not taking the road that's worn well, but the road less traveled. Here is an exerpt (that's a word, right?) by that famous poem by Robert Frost:
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
But really.....is the poem about the road less traveled or the one not taken? I feel as if I've traveled both....or all. And I will continue down the road until I come to another fork....another decision. This time, when I look around me, we'll be a family of 4. Someone once told me "you can't save them all." She was referring to the children in the custody of social services. I guess I can only travel one road at a time, but i'll try my best to choose the right road, because I can only choose one road. I'll always travel the road less popular, the road that leads to emotional and spiritual growth. And that will make all the difference.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Moving at a slug's pace
Yep, something is happening. We don't really know when it will happen but i'm just thrilled we are moving toward the shore of the stagnant adoption pond. After feeling like i've been running in circles for months I finally stopped, rubbed some sticks together, and lit a fire. What's on the BBQ, you ask? Social Workers, Adoption workers, and Agency Directors. If it were any other situation in life I would probably laugh at everyone around me but it's really not funny at all. Naturally, I can't help but smile though. Back on July 31st our worker was supposed to call the Thai social worker in charge of our case. She didn't call. Of course, we waited all week and couldn't stand waiting any longer before I finally emailed her on Friday. I heard something like this "No, I didn't call....blah blah blah....." and after hearing she didn't call I blocked everything else out and was a bit ticked. I think she knew that. So, she assured me she would call this week and we assumed she meant Wednesday. Well....as I have said since my teenage years being influenced by my dear old Dad "Miracles never cease!" She called! I guess they are especially concerned about not getting the appropriate paperwork yet so the director of Social Services is going to the orphanage to get it herself. THE DIRECTOR!!!! Wow. It must be serious because I was lead to believe this has never happened. We were assured of course that it would be September before the paperwork made it into the correct hands and onto us. Looks like October will be our travel month. (Huge Sigh). The worker made certain we knew it could be a matter of a couple weeks or it could be a matter of a couple months. But, at least something is happening! The pace of a slug....a snail, a turtle.....at least it's a step forward. I did learn that we've been matched. At some point someone matched our family and Nok and it was awesome to hear the words "Yes, you ARE matched" and I laughed. I suddenly felt lighthearted. I felt a connection and I hope Nok feels it too. Cody smiled at me because I was happy and she knew we'd just heard something good. After all the hoops we've jumped through, all the time we've waited, it was good to hear our daughter is only half a world away......
Thursday, July 27, 2006
A Week to Keep My Mind Occupied
This week so far has proven helpful in keeping my mind occupied. I almost let it by me that the native land tour was over on Sunday. But I'd like to think I am too sharp to let things by me so easily. Wellllll.....maybe "sharp" isn't the right word to properly portray me LOL!!!
The family in Thailand now has "adopted" their son. It isn't an official adoption until after 6 months of being home. Then the Thai government sends finalization paperwork. I'm so excited for them! Can't wait to hear all about it when they get home. They have a blog they've been updating everyone with and it's been interesting to read about their adoption journey. So many thoughts and feelings go into an adoption! And there are so many questions with no answers.....so many people involved who need to say goodbye when you take the child home with you.
I was recently told about a situation that made my heart weep. A certain foster parent was hurt badly by a family who took their "adopted" toddler from her the very same day they met him. He was apparently screaming and afraid and didn't want to leave yet and they just took him. The foster mother wanted so badly to have one more night with the child she had cared for for so long. My heart just sobbed for this woman. We had planned to let Nok choose when she wanted to go. We can wait to take her.....we'll have her for the rest of our lives! But, her foster mother will have to say goodbye. The family that is there adopting their teenage son let him choose and he chose to go with them the same day. They did go back for visits before they left for Bangkok and I think that was helpful for everyone involved. We're more than willing to take our time when it comes to new adventures and frontiers and saying goodbye to the old ones. It's a scary world when you're a teenager jumping into something new. I couldn't imagine leaving my home, my country, my people, everything I have always known to move with a family I just met that very day to a country I have never even dreamed of going to! Frightening, upsetting, frustrating, and sorrowful. Given the situation and how much I love trying everything there is to try in the world, I would go. But not without a heavy heart and the weight of the world on my shoulders. I would grieve and not be able to speak for a day or two until I set it in my mind to make it work, to make the best of the situation. And I hope that's what Nok does. Grieve when she needs to, and love us as her new and permanent family.
I feel a bit melancholy today for some reason. Must be the weather, or maybe hearing about the toddler, and foster mother who is mourning his loss. Just as I start to doubt God, doubt His presence in my life and surroundings, He's there again. Lifting me up and holding me close. Some exciting things happend this week that refreshed my faith. Alot of you reading this know that I started a website to sell my photography. You can go to www.romanticafineartphotography.com to see my work. Anyway, I have shown my work at the county fair for years upon years and have won tons of ribbons for places 3 through 6th hahahah! But in the last several years I had gotten used to seeing those first place ribbons. I had decided that since I will be selling my work professionally this would be the last year I would show my work at the county fair. It wouldn't be fair to others for me to continue (and our fair doesn't have a professional category anyway). I told my Creator and the ultimate Creator of my work that I would really like to win Grand Champion since it's my last year. Welllll....I didn't win Grand Champion, the competition was pretty stiff, but at the last moment....just when I knew all hope was lost....I was awarded not only First Place and Class Champion, but Reserve Overall Champion as well!!!!!!!! I was so excited I forgot myself and stood up and screamed and started crying. I know it sounds silly now when I think about it, but the emotions I experienced were incredible! Everything from doubt to triumph crossed my features and I will never forget that moment. I praised my Creator for making such beautiful live artwork in the world for me to take pictures of. Every morning He paints a sunrise just for me and every evening He paints a sunset for me as well. During the course of the day He brings birds to sing to me and flowers to delight my eyes! And those are just a few of the things He does for us all.
In addition to that small distraction, we'll be picking up an exchange student this afternoon and we'll have her for almost 2 weeks. It'll be an excellent way to pull my thoughts away from the gloom of waiting to travel to Thailand. Ever present in my mind is the child I have yet to meet.....a part of me half a world away (plus one hour). I read this poem once and it branded itself into my mind. I want to share it with you. Whoever wrote this was a person who felt the ultimate joy of adopting a child.....something a great deal of the world should experience if they are at all able or so inclined.
Not flesh of my flesh
Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never think for a single minute
You didn't grow under my heart -
But in it!
The family in Thailand now has "adopted" their son. It isn't an official adoption until after 6 months of being home. Then the Thai government sends finalization paperwork. I'm so excited for them! Can't wait to hear all about it when they get home. They have a blog they've been updating everyone with and it's been interesting to read about their adoption journey. So many thoughts and feelings go into an adoption! And there are so many questions with no answers.....so many people involved who need to say goodbye when you take the child home with you.
I was recently told about a situation that made my heart weep. A certain foster parent was hurt badly by a family who took their "adopted" toddler from her the very same day they met him. He was apparently screaming and afraid and didn't want to leave yet and they just took him. The foster mother wanted so badly to have one more night with the child she had cared for for so long. My heart just sobbed for this woman. We had planned to let Nok choose when she wanted to go. We can wait to take her.....we'll have her for the rest of our lives! But, her foster mother will have to say goodbye. The family that is there adopting their teenage son let him choose and he chose to go with them the same day. They did go back for visits before they left for Bangkok and I think that was helpful for everyone involved. We're more than willing to take our time when it comes to new adventures and frontiers and saying goodbye to the old ones. It's a scary world when you're a teenager jumping into something new. I couldn't imagine leaving my home, my country, my people, everything I have always known to move with a family I just met that very day to a country I have never even dreamed of going to! Frightening, upsetting, frustrating, and sorrowful. Given the situation and how much I love trying everything there is to try in the world, I would go. But not without a heavy heart and the weight of the world on my shoulders. I would grieve and not be able to speak for a day or two until I set it in my mind to make it work, to make the best of the situation. And I hope that's what Nok does. Grieve when she needs to, and love us as her new and permanent family.
I feel a bit melancholy today for some reason. Must be the weather, or maybe hearing about the toddler, and foster mother who is mourning his loss. Just as I start to doubt God, doubt His presence in my life and surroundings, He's there again. Lifting me up and holding me close. Some exciting things happend this week that refreshed my faith. Alot of you reading this know that I started a website to sell my photography. You can go to www.romanticafineartphotography.com to see my work. Anyway, I have shown my work at the county fair for years upon years and have won tons of ribbons for places 3 through 6th hahahah! But in the last several years I had gotten used to seeing those first place ribbons. I had decided that since I will be selling my work professionally this would be the last year I would show my work at the county fair. It wouldn't be fair to others for me to continue (and our fair doesn't have a professional category anyway). I told my Creator and the ultimate Creator of my work that I would really like to win Grand Champion since it's my last year. Welllll....I didn't win Grand Champion, the competition was pretty stiff, but at the last moment....just when I knew all hope was lost....I was awarded not only First Place and Class Champion, but Reserve Overall Champion as well!!!!!!!! I was so excited I forgot myself and stood up and screamed and started crying. I know it sounds silly now when I think about it, but the emotions I experienced were incredible! Everything from doubt to triumph crossed my features and I will never forget that moment. I praised my Creator for making such beautiful live artwork in the world for me to take pictures of. Every morning He paints a sunrise just for me and every evening He paints a sunset for me as well. During the course of the day He brings birds to sing to me and flowers to delight my eyes! And those are just a few of the things He does for us all.
In addition to that small distraction, we'll be picking up an exchange student this afternoon and we'll have her for almost 2 weeks. It'll be an excellent way to pull my thoughts away from the gloom of waiting to travel to Thailand. Ever present in my mind is the child I have yet to meet.....a part of me half a world away (plus one hour). I read this poem once and it branded itself into my mind. I want to share it with you. Whoever wrote this was a person who felt the ultimate joy of adopting a child.....something a great deal of the world should experience if they are at all able or so inclined.
Not flesh of my flesh
Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never think for a single minute
You didn't grow under my heart -
But in it!
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Nothing new....Still
Nope....there's not anything new. I just wanted to spend some time getting to know how this blogging thingy works and holy cow! I must not be the brightest crayon in the box! I must've accidentally made two new entries with nothing in them! So then I had to figure out how to get rid of the something with nothing in it. I think I was successful.
So anyway, I spoke with our worker and she said there is nothing new. Of course I knew that already but just had to make sure. The Native Land Tour is still going on and our worker thinks the social worker in Thailand who is assigned to our case will probably get a few days off after the Tour and then be back on and running like crazy. I hope Nok's paperwork is there waiting for the worker to make it back to her office and get it sent to us.
Can't wait to hear when Nok gets the package we sent! Our friends will be preparing to leave Chiang Mai in a few days and head to Bangkok with the boy they are adopting. I haven't heard anything from her yet but assume everything is going well. I want to know what emotions she experienced and how if FELT to hug him and speak to him for the first time.
I'm all about emotions and actions. Sound.....Spoken word.....Feelings....What was it like? What will it be like? Do I want to experience it again? There will never be another first time.....to hold Cody in my arms right after birth and meet her face to face for the first time ever.....to hold Nok in my arms right after meeting her for the first time ever and say the first thing that comes to mind....knowing she can't understand a thing I say! Hahaha! Firsts....There is a First time for everything and I want to know what it's like! I want to scorch that first meeting into my mind forever....those first words....and of course those first tears.
So anyway, I spoke with our worker and she said there is nothing new. Of course I knew that already but just had to make sure. The Native Land Tour is still going on and our worker thinks the social worker in Thailand who is assigned to our case will probably get a few days off after the Tour and then be back on and running like crazy. I hope Nok's paperwork is there waiting for the worker to make it back to her office and get it sent to us.
Can't wait to hear when Nok gets the package we sent! Our friends will be preparing to leave Chiang Mai in a few days and head to Bangkok with the boy they are adopting. I haven't heard anything from her yet but assume everything is going well. I want to know what emotions she experienced and how if FELT to hug him and speak to him for the first time.
I'm all about emotions and actions. Sound.....Spoken word.....Feelings....What was it like? What will it be like? Do I want to experience it again? There will never be another first time.....to hold Cody in my arms right after birth and meet her face to face for the first time ever.....to hold Nok in my arms right after meeting her for the first time ever and say the first thing that comes to mind....knowing she can't understand a thing I say! Hahaha! Firsts....There is a First time for everything and I want to know what it's like! I want to scorch that first meeting into my mind forever....those first words....and of course those first tears.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Your Mission.....Should You Choose To Accept It.....
Yeah yeah.....I decided to start blogging. I had told myself it wasn't necessary but it turns out that it will be easier for everyone to keep track of our adoption process this way. We've been through so much already, I kinda wish I had done this a Year and 8 months ago! It would've simplified alot of story telling and retelling so that everyone knew what was going on. But, that's life.....
So, I don't really know where to start. The here and now? Okaaaay......Well there is nothing new today. Oh, yeah, by the way it's Tuesday July 18th. And that would be 2006. Anyway, back to the story.....
So, we're waiting. They told us not to expect to hear anything the month of July because of the Native Land Tour that's going on until Sunday. I don't wanna sound rude or anything but I wish they would just hurry up. I mean, HeLloOoOoO we have paperwork that is just sitting on someone's desk! Waiting....and waiting.....until they get Nok's paperwork sent from the orphanage.
Oh, yeah, we sent her another package. I'm excited to hear when she gets it! We sent the package by way of a family headed to Thailand to adopt their teenage son. I'm excited for them. They should be meeting him in about 4 hours. I'll bet they can't even sleep or eat for the excitement of finally meeting their child! I think that's what'll happen to me. Won't be able to sleep or eat......then i'll be too exhausted to enjoy the first meeting. Naaaaaaaa! I'm just messin! I mean I may not be able to sleep at all or eat much..... but that first time we meet Nok....Wow! I can hardly wait! Sometimes the excitement is just waaaay scary. Here lately i've started to think someone made this child up. They made up this kid that we'd love to adopt and bring into our home. It's all a big joke that someone thinks is funny. And when I find out who made this horrible joke I'm gunna .....well.....it's not gunna be a pretty sight. No, really, I know she's real and we can't wait to meet her.
I'll write more later when I think I need to say some more stuff.
So, I don't really know where to start. The here and now? Okaaaay......Well there is nothing new today. Oh, yeah, by the way it's Tuesday July 18th. And that would be 2006. Anyway, back to the story.....
So, we're waiting. They told us not to expect to hear anything the month of July because of the Native Land Tour that's going on until Sunday. I don't wanna sound rude or anything but I wish they would just hurry up. I mean, HeLloOoOoO we have paperwork that is just sitting on someone's desk! Waiting....and waiting.....until they get Nok's paperwork sent from the orphanage.
Oh, yeah, we sent her another package. I'm excited to hear when she gets it! We sent the package by way of a family headed to Thailand to adopt their teenage son. I'm excited for them. They should be meeting him in about 4 hours. I'll bet they can't even sleep or eat for the excitement of finally meeting their child! I think that's what'll happen to me. Won't be able to sleep or eat......then i'll be too exhausted to enjoy the first meeting. Naaaaaaaa! I'm just messin! I mean I may not be able to sleep at all or eat much..... but that first time we meet Nok....Wow! I can hardly wait! Sometimes the excitement is just waaaay scary. Here lately i've started to think someone made this child up. They made up this kid that we'd love to adopt and bring into our home. It's all a big joke that someone thinks is funny. And when I find out who made this horrible joke I'm gunna .....well.....it's not gunna be a pretty sight. No, really, I know she's real and we can't wait to meet her.
I'll write more later when I think I need to say some more stuff.
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